


one hour more

by Graciethekay



Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn, Falsettos - Lapine/Finn (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gay Marvin (Falsettos), M/M, Marvin (Falsettos) Being an Asshole, Song: I'm Breaking Down (Falsettos), Title from a Falsettos Song, Top Marvin (Falsettos)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:55:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 48,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27899449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Graciethekay/pseuds/Graciethekay
Summary: One hour moreThey say after you die, your brain still has seven minutes of activity.Seven minutes.Seven minutes to relive everything you have ever done, where the good and the bad flash in front of your eyes. Time slows and crumbles as it defies its rules and it leaves you, quiet for a second amongst the chaos.Watching as the broken relationships and your worst experiences bite and snap at you, unable to get close enough as they strain at their leashes like rabid dogs.But they can’t reach you unless you let them, although sometimes they worm their way in, pulling you towards them, making you need to grab them, to reach out to them, your curiosity spiking as you need to relive them, even though the pain was almost too much to bear the first time.Almost.Instead, you try to focus on the good ones.But the bad ones are stubborn, the bad ones come back, they always do.They always always do.
Relationships: Dr. Charlotte/Cordelia (Falsettos), Marvin/Trina (Falsettos), Trina/Mendel Weisenbachfeld, Whizzer Brown/Marvin
Comments: 84
Kudos: 45





	1. four jews in a room bitching

**Author's Note:**

> AHHHHHHH I'M SO EXCITED TO BE ABLE TO FINALLY POST THIS!!! HOPE YOU ENJOY

Four Jews in a room bitching

“Jesus Christ Marvin, when did you become such a god damn stereotype, I find it so insulting that you’re accusing me of this and I’m going to have to ask you to watch your tone!” The tall man exclaimed as he watched Marvin, the shorter one with messy hair.

Marvin scoffed, “accusing you! Whizzer, it’s not an accusation If it’s true!” 

In the corner of the room, both heads were turned as they heard the small child become very aggressive all of a sudden, pushing the chess set to the floor, the pieces flying away in his attempt to block out the sound of the fight. 

“Jason, go find Mother.” Marvin ordered, and quickly the kid got up, running with the black King piece in his outstretched arm, clasping onto it tightly.

Under his breath, the couple could hear Jason sing the word four times, “bitch bitch bitch bitch.” Instantly Marvin turned to Whizzer, face scolded in a bright red hue, eyes dark and open wide.

“you taught him that, my ten-year-old son!”

“no, I told him that his mother’s a bitch, he just happens to like the word.” Whizzer replied, blowing at his pristine fingernails with an air of boredom.

Marvin let out an involuntary laugh, almost manic with his anger for Whizzer and slammed past him as he began clearing the table, “why am I clearing the table Whizzer, this is your job.” He huffed out as Whizzer leant back against the tall wooden cabinet in the corner of the room. 

“well, Marv, as you never fail to remind me, I don’t have a job.” He replied, but he did take a second look at the table, clenching his jaw as he took a couple of steps forward, the feeling of his socks on the hardwood floor, unwelcome, something he wasn’t used to. 

“stop calling me Marv, that’s not my name.”

“well Trina calls you it all the time.”

“you’re not Trina.”

“I might as well be! I cook for you, I clean for you, but at least I put out.”

Marvin instantly dropped the dishes he had collected back onto the table and they clattered down, teetering on the edge of shattering, half eaten linguine spilling everywhere.

“you aren’t very good at it.”

Whizzer’s jaw dropped open, “you’d better be fucking joking!” He replied, taking a feisty step towards Marvin. He towered over him, causing Marvin to look up as Whizzer set his jaw, stone cold, angled, sharp. 

Almost the exact opposite of Marvin who was slightly rounded, on the shorter side with no means the same length trail of lovers Whizzer had waiting for him. But Marvin had a sort of dominance that Whizzer couldn’t help but fall for. An almost abusive kind disguised as just ‘kinky’ for sex purposes. It was actually just the fact his temper was about the length of a cats whisker, but Marvin would refuse to listen to other people tell him that.

Marvin smirked as he knew he had hit a nerve of Whizzer’s, he liked getting under his skin. “no Whizzer, no I’m not joking. This tasted of horse shit, the house looks like a fucking tornado’s blown through it- “He rolled his eyes as Whizzer tried to interrupt him, “-and please, please don’t even get me started on the sex.”

He knew that sex would insult Whizzer the most, he prided himself in being well practiced, able to make a man out of anyone, but Marvin would often belittle him, cause him to question his skill until they would end up in bed, breathing heavily and covered in cum and bruises.

But even though Whizzer knew the game he was playing, it didn’t mean that he wouldn’t still rise up to the bait. 

“I couldn’t find mom.” Jason said as he ran back in.

“maybe the house looks like a tornado’s been through is because it has! You live with your ex-wife and your lover, or at least I’m your lover until someone asks and then I’m your roommate or friend, Marvin, that isn’t how it’s meant to go!” Whizzer suddenly began to clear the table, making as much noise as he could, clattering the plates against each other, dropping the metal cutlery onto the ceramic to make scraping and scratching noises that nipped at their ears. 

“well you can have a say when you have enough money to pay rent.” Marvin replied, smarmily. 

“and here we go again.” Whizzer laughed “Marvin, you can’t play with us as though we’re some of Jason’s toys! When are you going to get it out of your fucking mind that maybe you shouldn’t force us all to live together!” 

“doesn’t explain why the foods crappy.” Marvin muttered under his breath as he followed Whizzer to the kitchen, Jason trailing behind them, knowing it was past his bedtime, but not wanting to go up the dark stairs alone.

They were met with the image of Trina’s, Marvin’s ex wife, tears mixing with the washing up she was doing, her hands gnarly and cracking from all of the labour she had been doing to distract herself. 

Whizzer dropped the plates in the sink, Trina pulling her hands back as one of the steak knives narrowly missed her fingers. She was fed up of the fighting, fed up of hearing the make-up sex through the thin walls, fed up of having to stay, trapped like a canary in a cage. She had grown quiet and complicit, not caring enough anymore to fight or to take sides. 

It was hard to even choose, her ex-husband who was forcing her to submit to him still, or his lover who broke up their family. 

Her family, her perfect family.

She placed her hands back into the warm soapy water, feeling for a plate at the bottom. 

Instead she felt a knife, closing her eyes as she wondered what it would feel like to dig it into her hand. 

“you know why else it looks like a tornado’s been through here?” Whizzer exclaimed, pulling Trina out of her trance as she flinched suddenly, the knife carving into her hand. 

She didn’t know why, but for some reason it felt good. 

“no! why don’t you enlighten me?” Marvin yelled back, standing in the doorway with his hands on his hips.

She tried it again, this time moving the knife to the very centre of her palm, watching the water go slightly murky where the tiniest beads of blood began to peak out of the white, fleshy cut. 

“because Marvin, you come to this house after work and you scream and you yell at poor Trina, who has done nothing but clean all day. you throw your clothes on the floor and you mess it up!” Whizzer matched Marvin’s volume, slamming his fist down onto the counter.

“And where were you Whizzer?” Marvin asked, voice clear as day and quiet, “what do you do all day every day?” A guilty look crossed Whizzer’s face before it disappeared.

He said it as though he already knew.

And he definitely did.

Whizzer scoffed quietly, unable to answer. “you don’t own me.” 

Trina dropped the knife back into the water, bringing her hand out of the sink and began patting the cuts with a piece of towel trying to ignore the men behind her as she winced. 

“no, I don’t, but considering our little fight earlier, maybe I need to know.”

“fuck you.”

“language!” Trina finally interrupted, pulling the plug from the sink and turning around. Her hair was thick and hazel, pooling on her shoulders, silky smooth like the coffee she made for her ex-husband every morning. Her frame, once tall and strong like an ox, was now slouched and tired, as though she hadn’t had enough sleep for months. “it’s like I’m your mother, all three of you.”

“I’m sorry Trina.” Whizzer said quietly, looking down at her feet, taking a second to compose himself. 

Marvin dropped his hands from his hips, looking down to the floor too, mirroring Whizzer.

“please. Stop arguing, for once.” Trina asked, quietly, a type of power held inside her that the men in the room could never match. 

But she was still trapped in her cage. It didn’t matter if the bars were made from steel or from the brown walls enclosed around her. She was still trapped. 

Whizzer looked up, staring Marvin directly in the eye. “I’m going home.”

“you are home.”

He smiled, shaking his head lightly, “no. I’m not, Jason- “he turned to the child who was behind him, “-I’m taking you to bed.” He said, picking him up and throwing him over his shoulder. 

Jason began to giggle as Whizzer carried him up the stairs, inhaling the smell of the child, the smell of milk and cookies, the smell of a happy home, to which the irony made Whizzer laugh. He put the boy down when they reached the landing, “okay kid, you go get into your pyjamas and I’ll put some toothpaste on your toothbrush.” Whizzer reached down, ruffling his hair and watched, crouched, as Jason ran off along the creaking floorboards to his bedroom. 

“stay tonight.” 

The voice came from behind Whizzer as he stood up, ignoring Marvin as he went to the bathroom, picking up the tiny toothbrush in his hand. 

“I know there are others.” 

Whizzer could see Marvin’s reflection in the bathroom mirror, but still, he ignored him, slowly squeezing a pea sized dollop of toothpaste on the brush, wetting it slightly before tapping it gently on the side of the basin.

“I never promised myself to you.” Whizzer replied, quietly, meeting Marvin’s heartbroken eyes in the mirror before looking back down to his hands. He blinked several times, scrunching his eyebrow as he saw the toothbrush in pieces in the sink, not sure what had happened. “shit.” He muttered under his breath. 

Marvin turned to the cabinet behind him, taking out a new toothbrush and handed it to Whizzer, their fingers touching for the briefest moment and suddenly a spark ran up Whizzers body and his hand was around Marvin’s neck, choking him as he pulled him less than an inch away from his face. “leave me.” He whispered. “leave me if you care so much.”

Marvin’s voice was scratched and dry from the hand wrapped around his neck, stopping the oxygen. “love me.” 

But in his eyes was the lust, the undeniable lust.

“Dad?” Jason asked, unnoticed in the doorway, his blue dinosaur pyjamas slightly too big as he stood trying to keep them around his waist.

Whizzer let go of Marvin and ran his fingers down his chest, fiddling with the tease of chest hair his open shirt provided a view of and Marvin stared wide eyed for a second before shaking his head. “come here Jason.” He said, voice still slightly raw, and he crouched down next to his son. 

Jason’s eyes couldn’t meet Marvin’s, and he blinked awkwardly, vision instead focused on the bottle of dinosaur bubble bath on the windowsill.

Jason liked dinosaurs almost as much as he liked chess.

Marvin pulled his son into an awkward hug, Jason not reciprocating it with, instead, a look of embarrassment and disgust that made Whizzer snort. 

He promptly put toothpaste on the brush and handed it to the child, “here you go kid, make sure you do them properly.”

They both stood in the bathroom, the only sounds being Jason humming to himself as he brushed his teeth, the slight sound of the bristles pressing against his teeth.

Backwards  
Forwards  
Backwards   
Forwards

But Marvin and Whizzer were too busy having a silent conversation for it to be of any distraction, the subtle glances and intense expressions shared between them causing them to dance in circles around each other. 

And play their games. 

‘you’re staying’

‘why should I? does Marvin have a little problem?’ Whizzer took a subtle look down to the space between Marvin’s legs ‘does choking turn you on? Wouldn’t have pegged you for that kinda guy considering you have to be on top, being powerless is fun sometimes.’

‘stay.’

‘I can’t. I can’t keep living in this house, I’m not a housewife and I can’t keep this up.’ His expression was firm, saying everything he ever needed to say.

A brief look of bewilderment crossed Marvin’s face. ‘what do you mean?’

‘you’re going to have to make a choice, and it’s not going to affect me.’ Whizzer quickly averted his gaze from Marvin back to Jason. 

A brief look of hurt crossed over Marvin’s face, ‘what do you mean ’it won’t affect you’?’ he asked silently. 

‘I can be with you, but I can’t be with your messy life’

‘what do you mean ‘it won’t affect you’?’ Marvin repeated 

They were broken out of their conversation by Jason turning on the tap and smiled widely, washing the spit and toothpaste from the brush. “done!” his grin was toothy and infectious and even Marvin couldn’t help but smile slightly. 

Jason ran off straight away down the narrow corridor, jumping loudly as the floor shook beneath him, Marvin following close behind him. Whizzer took a look in the mirror, running his hand through his hair before he, too, walked down the short stretch of landing, ducking under the doorways. He waited by Jason’s door, watching as Marvin tucked him into bed, the only time he saw Marvin peaceful and comfortable in his own territory, the only time he saw him without judgment, the only time he felt sorry for him. 

Whizzer swallowed his feelings.

lust, the only explanation. 

“Whizzer, will you say good night to me too?”

Whizzer smiled in an attempt to hold back his feelings, “of course.” He said, voice cracking ever so slightly as he shoved past Marvin, kneeling next to Jason on the wooden floorboards next to the bed. He reached up to tuck the duvet in slightly before falling back on his heels. 

Marvin scoffed slightly at the way his son preferred Whizzer over him. 

“god my knees hurt.” Whizzer said to Jason, not sure what else he should say. 

Marvin rolled his eyes, “well I think we all know why that is.” He said, a fake, patronising smile on his face.

Whizzer bit the inside of his cheeks, swivelling around to stare at Marvin, a look of well-guarded anger on his face. 

“I don’t know why.” Jason said, a look of obsolete confusion making his eyes wide. 

Whizzer turned back to him, an innocent smile on his face, “oh well, I do a lot of kneeling, submitting, stooping, praying…”

In an instant he was thinking about earlier that day, picking up a guy in the alley behind a popular gay bar, kneeling on the hard concrete, his hand reaching up to grab at the guys back and his head bobbing up and down as he looked up, eyes wide and accidental tears streaming down his face at the man above him who muttered under his breath for god. 

“I pray!” Jason exclaimed, happy to have something in common with Whizzer.

Marvin smiled but without his eyes “probably not in the same sense.” He said under his breath. Whizzer ignored him, keeping his eyes on Jason.

“anyway kid, I don’t know when I’m going to see you again, so have fun at school and learn lots, okay?”

“okay. Why won’t I see you?” His enormous brown eyes caused Whizzer to want to tell him the truth, that his Father was a jerk, that his mother hated him, but he didn’t want to burst the bubble of innocence that the child had.

“well, I need to spend some time alone.” Whizzer replied.

“alone my ass” Marvin muttered.

“what was that?” Whizzer asked in such a passive aggressive way that even Marvin felt his face heat up slightly. 

“nothing” Marvin mumbled.

“I thought so.” 

“anyway kid, I’m going to see you soon! Of course, I am.” It seemed as though Whizzer was trying to convince himself of something, that he wasn’t getting too attached, that he still maintained the status of the ‘pretty boy’ everyone saw him as. “just let me have some time to fuc- “he cut himself off with a smile “-work some things out. Be good for your mom okay?”

He leant over to kiss Jason’s forehead. 

“alright kid, night night, sleep tight, mind the bedbugs don’t bite, I love you, sleep well, see you in the morning.” Whizzer chimed, remembering how his mother used to say it when she put him to bed. 

He got up to leave, turning the tiny dinosaur lamp on in the corner and going to close the door. 

“hey Whizzer?” Jason asked as he was just about to leave.

“yep?”

“do you love my Dad?”

The words were so innocent yet held so much power along with Jason’s expression. Whizzer swallowed, thinking of how to answer, not wanting to hurt the child, but not wanting to give Marvin any false hope. Then he realised that he didn’t know how he felt, never having a relationship as long as this one before, not knowing how to stay or act, not even knowing if he was in a proper grownup relationship.

But it was Marvin who replied, butting in “that would be a miracle.”

“what’s a miracle?” Jason asked curiously.

“you know in the Passover story, the part where Moses Parts the red sea?”

“oh yeah! We learnt that a couple weeks ago!” 

Whizzer finally spoke. “I don’t believe in miracles.” He said, cold and mean in his tone as he stared directly at Marvin. 

“not very Kosher of you.” Marvin joked

“well I don’t think dick is very Kosher either.” Whizzer snapped back, forgetting about Jason’s presence. 

Jason giggled at the rude word and Marvin rolled his eyes, “great. dick and bitch, pretty sure he’ll soon be saying the alphabet in cusses.” 

“lighten the fuck up Marv. Good night Jason.” Whizzer replied as he closed the door swiftly. He wasn’t used to being around kids, in fact, he hated them. Too boisterous, too irritating. But Jason was different, he was quiet but sweet, played games on his own and wasn’t constantly bugging him for attention. 

They continued to bicker as they walked down the stairs, right up until they got back into the dining room where they stopped abruptly, watching as Trina scrubbed at the table, hearing her let out grunts of irritancy. 

“Trina? are you alright?” Whizzer asked, and just like that she snapped, turning around as she wielded the sponge as if it was a weapon. 

“no Whizzer Brown, no I’m not alright.” She approached him; a cutthroat look on her face as she held the sponge up to his face like a knife. “my son loves you more than me, you! My husband stealing whore!” she suddenly pointed to the door now speaking quietly “Get the fuck out of my house.”

“what?” Whizzer’s already slightly irritated face fell even further, shocked and scared of her sudden outburst, the use of a cuss shocking him further. 

“I said get out! Go, leave! I’m fed up of this, Marvin, you go too.”

“this is my house!” Marvin interrupted, fuming, so angry you could almost see the steam coming out of his ears.

Whizzer quickly grabbed his jacket from on the back of his chair and left, not even kissing Marvin goodbye as he fled. He hated real conflict. 

“I pay for this house Trina, how are you going to manage alone?”

“I don’t care! You treat me like shit, and I have to listen to you and whizzer fucking through the walls. I love you, I still do, I found out about this a month ago and suddenly my whole life has changed, and you didn’t even think of that!” tears started to stream down her face and Whizzer stopped beside the door, listening to her honesty. “you treat me like a… like a maid, like your mother and you don’t even think of how hard it was for me to find out that my husband is a homo by walking in on him fucking a man. And now I have to live with that man and the worst part is, I don’t even hate him.”

Marvin suddenly threw his arms up and both Whizzer and Trina flinched, terrified he was going to hit them, “great, now you’re both scared of me.” He muttered under his breath. “can’t you see the hurt you’re causing me Trina, you’re the one making me and you miserable, if you just stopped fighting it, maybe you’d finally be happy.” He mocked.

From his spot watching, Whizzers brow furrowed, watching how manipulative Marvin could be, the rosy glaze that he usually saw dropping ever so slightly before picking back up again.

He left. 

The door swung closed behind him, the warm light inside instantly being replaced by the cold, dark air, the kind of air that makes you want to wrap up in a scarf. Whizzer shook as the cold enveloped him and quickly, he pulled on the leather jacket, its cold exterior not doing anything to keep him warm. 

The sound of slamming was what broke Marvin out of his selfish state as he stared at where Whizzer was. 

“get out.”

“my son is upstairs Trina; how will you explain I’m gone?”

“get out.” Trina’s façade of staying put together crumbled and fell apart onto the floor a long with the few remaining dishes. “GET OUT!” She yelled it so full of horror, that even Marvin didn’t argue, staring from the truly monstrous expression on her face to the shattered plates at her feet.

He ran up the stairs to the den, pulling out suits and files throwing them aggressively into his suitcase as Trina stood in the doorway, flushed and shaking, her mouth dry and teeth bared as though she was a rabid dog having finally given in to the disease. 

“this is my fucking decision.” Marvin yelled as he filled up the case, random things, things not even fitting inside as he slammed the case shut, he ducked as a glass flew past him, shattering as it hit the wall behind him, “you fucking maniac! I’m glad I divorced you.”

Trina was angry. So angry that her voice began to shake, and her eyes began to water because no matter how strong she tried to be, she would always be the little girl she was when she met Marvin and got knocked up.

Her mascara ran down her face and her eyes were swollen, puffy from the crying.

“this is my fucking decision!” Marvin yelled again, repeating it over and over again. “you, Woman, are not taking this from me.” 

“leave Marvin and don’t you dare come back.” She yelled in response as he pushed past her, causing her to stumble and trip, clutching at the bannister to stop herself from falling down the stairs. 

And just like that, he was gone, slipping into the inky black night.

Trina slumped down to her knees, sobbing painfully as she realised everything, everything she had ever loved everything she had ever hated had gone, slipped through her fingers so fast that it was as though it was never there. 

“mom?” 

Trina quickly tried to compose herself as she heard the tiny pitter patter of Jason’s feet. 

“Jason- “she wiped her eyes quickly, refusing to look at him “-what are you doing up at this time?”

“I heard you shouting. You never shout.”

He hugged her, and suddenly Trina couldn’t even hold the final pieces of her life together, “father’s going to be gone for a while.” She managed to get out.

“I heard him yelling.” 

“yes- “Trina whispered “-it’s alright though, we can manage.”

She pulled him under her chin, the salty water from her eyes dripping onto Jason’s face as she realised… as long as she had him, she had everything she needed.

Across town Whizzer opened the door a crack to see him. Marvin standing on his welcome mat, his suitcase clutched to his chest.

“I did it. I chose you.” Marvin exclaimed, a new type of excitement and anticipation on his face Whizzer had never seen before.

The first lie of their new relationship.

Whizzer opened the door to him, letting Marvin into his home, the place he hadn’t been for almost a month. Marvin looked around the apartment as Whizzer went to the fridge, getting out a couple of bottles of cheap beer.

Marvin was already kissing him before the condensation had even fallen from the glasses.

Whizzer stayed awake that night as he watched Marvin sleep, the pair naked and sticky from the sex Marvin had used as a method to stop Whizzer from asking too many questions.

Whizzer got up, slowly traipsing to the bathroom as he spoke to his reflection in the mirror, “why did you let this happen?” he asked himself, “you’re going to regret this.” He whispered before he flopped back onto the bed, listening to Marvin’s tiny snores until he finally slipped into darkness.


	2. A Tight Knit Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oop, and another chapter in the bag.

A tight knit family

The man welcomed Marvin into his office, the wooden floors, shiny and squeaky against Marvin’s cheap shoes. 

It made him uncomfortable.

“Hello sir, we spoke on the telephone. my name is Dr Mendel Weisenbachfeld, but you can call me Mendel. “Mendel put out his hand and Marvin shook it quickly, wondering why it felt slightly sticky. He gestured to the odd coloured sofa in the office “it is imperative that we create a healthy, tight knit relationship so that we can tackle whatever issues you want to tackle Mr- “he looked down to his clipboard”- Mr…”

“call me Marvin.” Marvin interrupted, already dubious about this man who didn’t even know his name.

It had been several years since he last saw Mendel, he had obviously forgotten about him.

“alright, Mr Marvin- “Mendel followed him into the office, taking a seat on the chair beside the couch “-how shall we begin?”

Marvin sat on the couch, moving his hand out to feel the soft fabric. The room was a paisley yellow colour, with bright retro orange accessories, too bright, too much colour.

Marvin preferred more drab colours, navy blue and maroons, but Whizzer would roll his eyes whenever he saw what Marvin was wearing, telling him that his style and colour choices were god awful. 

His style was god awful; Marvin just didn’t care. 

“this may not be very… conventional.” Marvin started “and I do in no means wish to offend you. I am here because I have recently gone through a very trying time.”

“okay Marvin, my job is not to judge you, this is a very safe space and everything is completely confidential.” Mendel stood up, walking to the desk behind him and taking out a tiny notebook, flipping aggressively through it until he found an empty page. “so- “he took a pen out from behind his ear that Marvin didn’t even notice was hiding in Mendel’s thick curly hair. “when did everything begin to go stale for you?”

Marvin furrowed his eyebrows at Mendel’s choice of words, “urm well- “His brain started working at double time as he questioned how he would ever describe what had happened to his family, “I divorced my wife recently.” 

He said it in an almost uncaring way, as though he had no remorse for her, knowing he wasn’t able to fix their relationship after the last time they spoke. 

The divorce was easy for him, permanent and a quick fix. 

“I also- I also left my child.” He said it with more regret, knowing that Jason was upset at him, but needing to fix that relationship, needing to stay with his son, the only product of his and Trina’s relationship that was actually a good thing.

“and I am now living with… with a… friend, a roommate.” He took a glance over at Mendel, trying to gage how he would deal with the fact that he was a homosexual man in nineteen seventy-nine. 

In almost all ways, Marvin hated himself. Hated himself for being gay, hated himself for being attracted to Whizzer, hated himself for leaving Jason, hated himself for getting together with Trina in the first place. 

“a friend?” Mendel asked, looking up to the other man. 

Marvin blinked several times, wondering what his relationship with Whizzer really was, they didn’t do anything but fight and fuck, and the irony of calling Whizzer his friend hit him.

“yes. A friend.” He stuck with the name, he liked it, made him feel normal, like it was a normal family. 

“so then why did you say earlier this wouldn’t be- “Mendel flipped through his notebook to a new page “-conventional?” he quoted Marvin’s exact words, getting under Marvin’s skin a little, but he shrugged it off. 

“have you ever heard of a man over forty living with a roommate?” He quizzed, and after a few moments, Mendel’s mouth opened in a slight fish gape as he suddenly understood what Marvin meant by ‘friend.’

He snapped the gape from his face, “I see.” He said quietly, and Marvin’s stare was intensely set on him as he wrote down in all caps ‘queer’ in pen, circling it several times before adding a full stop. Marvin avoided his stare as he looked up again. “so why is this difficult for you Marvin?”

Marvin scoffed, “why do you think it’s difficult?” He asked. Mendel patted the small wooden table in front of Marvin, and he put his feet up on it, leaning back into the sofa. “I want an apple pie lifestyle. I want to have a normal family, I want to kiss my wife goodbye, work my ass off and come home to watch my son play and eat what my wife cooks me.”

Mendel shook his head a little. “isn’t this… oppressive? You can’t have what you want by living like this. I don’t believe that homosexuality is a disease or a sin, but I do believe the sin is not being truthful to yourself.” 

Marvin got defensive “I am being truthful to myself, I tried to make it work!” 

Mendel looked up suddenly from the paper, “what do you mean by that?” 

“my wife, son… ‘friend’ and I all lived together for a while.” He reluctantly called Whizzer his friend again, not wanting to admit his sexuality. 

“how did that go?” Mendel asked, scrawling into the notebook as Marvin grabbed a pillow, hugging it to his chest. 

“my kid hates me, my wife hates me, my friend…” Marvin cut himself off, never really sure how Whizzer felt. 

“is this because you can’t accept the reality of what this means to you?” 

Marvin’s voice went to a whisper, “I just- I just want something to be normal about this situation, I want to be seen as normal and not a freak.”

“well the bad thing is, this isn’t normal, not in our lifetime anyway. I can’t speak for the future, but it’s been ten years since the stonewall riots and people still treat queers horrifically.”

“you don’t think I know that! I don’t care if my family hates me, they can get over that, as long as it looks the way it should to the outside world. Whizzer is just a friend who comes over, Trina may move on one day, but until that happens, we got a divorce because I cheated on her. That’s what I settled for; it was only fair for her.”

Mendel furrowed his bushy eyebrows, making a confused noise causing Marvin to goggle at him. “sorry. Did you cheat on her?” He asked.

“I wouldn’t say yes, but I was… you know, with um… men before she found out.” He didn’t sound guilty, which worried Mendel slightly, knowing that Men like Marvin, given enough power, can cause too much pain for others. 

“so you did cheat?”

“not exactly.” 

Mendel looked back down to his notepad, scrawling something down and internally rolling his eyes, he had gotten used to faking interest as a psychiatrist, but this was a genuinely interesting man with a large ego complex, incapable to accept reality and doesn’t mind hurting his family as long they don’t confront him about it. 

“you said earlier that you want an ‘apple pie’ lifestyle, how would that work with your friend?” Mendel had picked up on how Marvin didn’t like any other term, and didn’t want to upset him, fearing this man’s temper without having never even seen it. 

“I mean, of course we wouldn’t be the same as a normal family- “Marvin explained, an almost fantasised tone to his voice as though he were picturing it. “- but it would be normal enough for people not to wonder if anything was going on. We’d live together in a large enough house for the four enough, but small enough that it felt cosy and like it was meant to house a happy family. We would eat our meals together; I would ask them how their day was. Whizzer would tell me about all the clothes he bought, Trina would explain to me how a part of the house that was particularly difficult to clean, and Jason would get excited about something new he learnt at school.”

“wow, seems like you’ve pictured this before.”

Marvin shrugged, still staring into space, “this is what I’ve been thinking about since I started to get the… the urges. We would be domestic, you could say whitewashed, but I prefer domestic, they would cook me dinner and it would make us… normal.”

“well Marvin, normal is changing. Just under sixty percent of women are working.”

“but that isn’t sustainable, very soon we’ll be back to them serving us.” Mendel smiled politely as Marvin let out a burly, stereotypical laugh, not agreeing with him at all. 

“you know they say Women are more intelligent?” Mendel said, wanting to gage Marvin’s reaction.

“well you haven’t met my wife. She’s with me for my money and my brain, got no wit about her.” He said, puffing out his chest slightly. “cold, that’s all she is.”

Mendel quickly flipped back through his notepad “I’m curious Marvin, why do you keep referring to her as your ‘wife’, I thought you mentioned a divorce?”

Marvin shrugged, “force of habit.”

“no, I don’t think that’s right. If It were a habit, you would correct yourself if you realised your mistake. You haven’t changed it once, yet you seem almost… glad about the divorce.”

Marvin swallowed, “not sure then.”

“I was wondering whether it has anything to do with you not accepting your sexuality.”

“like I said earlier- “Marvin’s voice was several tone’s colder, “-I have accepted it. I would just like the world to see me as normal.”

“so it isn’t internalised homophobia causing you to want this ‘apple pie’ family.”

“why would it be, I have accepted that part of myself.”

“yet you haven’t called yourself, gay or a fairy or a queer or a homosexual and you have only referred to this man- “he flicked a couple of pages forward “-Whizzer, as your friend.”

“I just want a tight-knit family,” Marvin deflected, “and I can’t have that unless I want to give up sex or my status. So I’m forcing them together” he shrugged.

“what’s your job Marvin?”

“oh well you know, You’re a Jew. it’s either a doctor or a lawyer or your parents disown you.”

Mendel laughed, “very true, so I’m guessing lawyer.”

“exactly.” 

Mendel flipped to the current page, his eye-catching part of their earlier conversation “you said you tried living in this fantasy world that you’ve made up. What happened?” 

“it didn’t work out.” Marvin shrugged, hugging the pillow even tighter.

“Marvin, I can’t help you unless you open up. What happened?” Mendel repeated.

“Whizzer happened.”

“okay, what’s Whizzer like?” Mendel asked, inside trying to fight back his urge to strangle Marvin, he hated it when patients withheld information.

“Whizzer?” Marvin stared into space, a small smile plaguing his lips, “Whizzer’s beautiful and he knows it, he uses it a lot, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him pay for a drink. He has this stunning smile that makes his eyes crinkle and my heart stop, but it’s hard trying to coax any emotion out of him. He… he umm… he does this thing where he pretends to be disinterested, all of the time, like he doesn’t care what I say or do or if I’m trying to hurt him or not. I can never read him; I never know where he is.” Marvin sighed, looking to Mendel with a sad smile on his face, “all I know is that he is like a cat; he’s cold, smooth but not yours and will often wander for days before coming back, leaving you with no clue where he’s been.”

“and that must annoy you?”

“god, it drives me up the wall. I’m older than him, a lot older, he’s pretty and I don’t know why he ever went for me.” 

“money?”

“I’m not that rich. But he’s cheap, and like I said, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him pay for anything. He flirts with everyone, and the gay men just hand him stuff and the straight men are so shocked that they don’t realise he’s taken it. The only group he has yet to conquer are the lesbians, they’re used to fending off men, and don’t fall for their charms.”

“does it annoy you when you see him flirting?”

“yes. And then we fight, and then we have sex.” He shrugged.  
“you use fighting as a means of foreplay?” Mendel asked, closing his notebook abruptly. Marvin nodded. “seems rather dysfunctional.” he muttered under his breath.

“well, we’re not together. And as he reminds me often, he never promised himself to me” 

Mendel looked up at Marvin, jaw slightly clenched in thought, “how many men is he sleeping with at a time?”

Marvin half laughed, half scoffed, “I don’t ask, I just know the numbers high and if I knew I’d probably want to strangle him. He’s like a cat, slippery. but I’m counting down the days until they all come crawling back to me, My wife, my kid and my Lover.” He accidentally referred to Whizzer as his lover, causing him to freeze up suddenly, realising he openly professed the nature of his and Whizzer’s relationship to someone. 

A small smile spread over Mendel’s lips as he noted Marvin’s mistake in the notebook. “why is that?” he asked.

“well- “Marvin started “-I cushion their fall, I make their lives easier, I’m selfless, I do this for them even though they don’t believe I do. Trina will come back as soon as the mortgage is due on the house and she can’t afford it. Whizzer will come back as soon as he realises that his lifestyle isn’t manageable, he’ll get one infection from all of the sex and come crying into my arms, asking, no, begging me to look after him, and Jason…” Marvin’s voice cracked slightly, showing the first real emotions since he had entered Mendel’s office “Jason will have to love me again.” He whispered. ”he’s my son.”

He looked up to Mendel, eyes soft for a change.

“I want it all.” He said quietly, but firmly.

After his session finished, he took a cab back to Whizzer’s apartment, sniffing the air as he entered, looking for a trace of dinner being cooked. 

Dinner was nowhere in sight, instead, lounging on the couch was whizzer, his eyebrow raised as he brought up a finger, beckoning Marvin to sit with him. 

“where the fuck’s dinner Whizzer.” 

“I was out.” Whizzer replied, his voice laced with innocence and a hint of hostility.

Marvin strode over to him, taking Whizzer’s hair in his hand and pulling on it, causing him to gasp before letting out a laugh. 

A laugh letting Marvin know Whizzer was getting exactly what he wanted. 

He used his hair to tilt Whizzer’s head, exposing bruised skin running down his neck, dark blues and purples that made Marvin see red as he pushed Whizzer down onto the couch, stripping away his trousers in a second.


	3. Love Is Blind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> urm how is this already on 100 hits, not sure how that happened. 
> 
> ALSO THE PROM CAME OUT TODAY BUT I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW TO WATCH IT AND I'M SO HYPED BC
> 
> A) Andrew Rannells!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
>  B) James cordons American accent  
>  C) meryl streep 
> 
> anyways, I hope you like this chapter

Love is blind

Trina stood in the kitchen, scrubbing the counter, letting her anger out, her knuckles almost bleeding from all of the cleaning she had been using to keep herself busy. She looked down at her wrist where her delicate watch was on her bony arm. Her eyes caught a glimpse of her sparkling wedding ring and she twisted it around on her finger, sighing softly as a few tears slipped down her face. 

The tears felt natural now.

“MOM, THE DOOR!” Jason yelled and Trina wiped her face quickly, standing upright and fixed her hair, trying to act perfect. She plastered a perfect smile on her face and was about to stride out, but hesitated, looking back at the counter. She clenched her jaw bringing her tight fist up to her face, and she slid off the ring smoothly, since the divorce she had lost lots of weight, it didn’t fit tight enough on her finger anymore.

She placed it down on the counter, a satisfying chink as its perfect gold settled. Trina scoffed, she told Marvin gold wasn’t her colour. 

“MOM!”

“I’m coming.” She almost lost her temper, but that wasn’t her style. Shaking her head as she hurried through the narrow hall, the vomit green causing her to feel trapped again and she stopped at the front door. Trina exhaled, putting on her ‘I made the best decision of my life making you leave’ face and opened the door with a smile. It instantly fell into a look of loathing before she picked it up again. 

“Where’s Marvin.” She asked, peering around the man.

Standing in the doorway was Whizzer, a pink shirt the same colour as Trina’s crocheted cardigan. He was too gay, too ‘queeny’, Trina thought to herself, trying to hide her feelings. 

She had hoped never too see him again, hoped that he would leave her ex and disappear like he was bound to sometime, she just wished it were sooner rather than later.

“he’s gonna be working late.” Whizzer drawled; hands planted firmly on his hips. “he asked me to pick up Jason.” He stared at his nails, picking at his nail beds with a bored disposition. 

“I am not- “Trina’s voice was loud, ready to yell, but she heard the movement of Jason behind her, turning back to Whizzer, pulling him into her home as she looked out at the prying eyes of her neighbours. She lowered it back down to a hiss, “-I am not going to leave you with my son.”

“hey Buddy.” Whizzer said, waving brightly to Jason, ready with his backpack on his back and quickly Jason ran up, high fiving Whizzer’s expectant hand. 

“hi Whizzer!” 

Whizzer smiled down at Jason before looking back up to Trina’s flared nostrils and arms that were folded over her stomach. 

“um Jason, would you mind grabbing me a glass of water please?” He asked. Jason quickly nodded, a look of idolisation on his face as he ran down the hall. 

“look I have appointments and- “

“I know, I’m here to look after Jason while you’re out, take him to a baseball game- “ Whizzer made a swinging motion with his arms and Trina noticed his muscular physique.

“he hates baseball.” Trina interrupted her thoughts.

“actually, he likes it; we spent a lot of time watching it when you and Marvin were fighting.” Whizzer replied, eyebrow raised in a challenge.

Trina tightened her jaw, sucking on the inside of her cheeks as her cheekbones began to protrude, a natural form of contour. She tapped her fingers on her still crossed arms, angry that Whizzer knew what her son liked. She let out a hiss of air, watching Jason run back with the glass of water, spilling half of it on the floor on his way to the door, handing it to Whizzer.

“okay, fine.” Trina hissed, quickly looking to her watch again, “only because I’m late!” She ran back into the haunts of the house, picking up a warm yellow coat that clashed horribly with her cardigan, making Whizzer cringe. She thrusted her keys into Whizzer’s chest, “I’ll be back in a couple of hours.” 

She didn’t even say goodbye to Jason 

Trina raced to the bus stop just in time for the bus, banging on the doors until they opened. They let out the distinctive hiss of air, and she plastered the fake smile on, stepping inside, paying quickly for a ticket. She sat on her own, staring out of the window as she watched the world pass by, ignoring the rowdy, drunk man at the back. Trina put her hands to her temples, staying huddled in that position until they neared the street Marvin had called her about, telling her in his patronising way, to make a note of it. 

She got up, gripping onto the handrails as the bus jostled, and the driver reached up, pulling on his bell as he yelled out the street name. 

It slowed to a stop, and Trina hurried out, pushing past people as she finally made it to the slim filling between two buildings, walking dubiously down the alley as she flinched every time she heard the clatter of an animal on a garbage can or the whistle of a homeless man. She stopped as she reached the door, the gold plate engraved with the name ‘Mendel Weisenbachfeld D.O’. she wondered what the ‘O’ stood for. 

Her hand pressed gently against the door and it quickly opened to a barren waiting room. Trina’s heels clicked quietly against the floor as she ran over the receptionist who took one look at her and instantly pointed to the single room. 

Why have a waiting room if there is only one doctor? She thought to herself, knocking quietly on the door before she heard the man’s voice call out for her to enter. Hesitantly, she walked inside, taking a look at the open office, the several rather uncomfortable chairs and the conservatory that led off of it, bright green vines hanging through it’s rafters. 

“hello Mrs Feldman, please do take a seat.” 

Trina smiled, clasping at her silk handkerchief, the fabric providing a certain comfort she hadn’t felt in a while. 

Doctor Mendel jumped up from his desk to meet her, shaking her hand with both of his, “how are you today?”

“well I’m- “

He cut her off with a little wave, gesturing with his hand to one of the pair of chairs, “rhetorical question. Now what are you here to talk about?”

Trina sat, slightly confused, she had always heard about shrinks forcing their patients to tell them their deepest feelings. She swallowed, looking down at her handkerchief before looking up into thin air, “you’ve seen my husband for years, doctor Mendel, he told me to come here and let you fix me. I think he’s the broken one.”

Mendel’s eyebrows folded together in the centre of his head as he flicked through his notepad, no record of any other sessions with Marvin than the recent few. 

“why do you think that?” 

“I hate how I’m already talking about him, Christ it’s like I’m not my own person anymore.” She sighed hugging herself tight, “my husband used to tell me that love wasn’t sex. We didn’t really have it often; I didn’t know why.” She smiled regretfully, “when I found out about his boyfriend, he told me again that love wasn’t sex, like he wasn’t really a homo but was instead just… sleeping with Whizzer and I was who he actually loved.”

Mendel nodded sympathetically, writing in his notebook for the first time. 

“my ex, sorry.” Trina corrected herself, slapping her own hand the way a mother would slap her babies hand. 

Mendel put his hands up to try and calm her, turning his body so it was leaning inward to her, “I want you to tell me about your life, the main events that have made you feel worthless. I have only ever heard them from Marvin’s perspective, I would be extremely enlightened if you told them from your own heart. Cry for me, explain how your traumas have affected you- “he put his hand out tentatively, touching her leg that was covered dangerously by a flowery skirt, a single draft of wind able to expose her, “put your trust in me to listen.”

She watched the hand on her leg, the feeling foreign but not unwelcome as she looked up into its owners eyes. 

They were warm and dark, sincere when he tried to fix her problems… a man who as of yet, hadn’t tried to control her. 

“I was exactly what he wanted, and I had been raised to be a wife. Staying at home when my father and brothers went out, cooking with my mother. It was my duty to become a wife and my father was very proud when I found Marvin. Then he found out I was pregnant, and I married him.”

“how did the way you were raised affect how you really felt towards Marvin?”

“I never had the time to be myself-“ Trina ignored the question, staring into space, her words flowing and scripted as though she had told and retold the story over and over again. “-I went straight from daughter to wife and I never found who I was. Even now, my life is still controlled by the men in my life. Always controlled by Marvin or Jason and now Whizzer-“ she said his name as though it could bite her. It seemed to be like a trigger, and she became frantic, jittery. “Marvin came home from work, he was different to usual as though suddenly everything had changed, he sat me on our bed, and he knelt down as though I was a child. He began this speech that sounded rehearsed, telling me he ‘loved me, needed and/or valued me’, yadda yadda yadda, all the stuff a person tells a wife when he thinks she’ll leave him.” Her thoughts spilled out for the first time, feelings that had been building up inside her for a long time, the sudden release causing her to blurt out everything at once. 

“and this was when you found out about Whizzer?” Mendel asked, writing something down. He passed her a horribly bright orange cushion, jagged shapes overlapping, and she took one look at it before putting it down next to her, leaning forward as she put her elbows on her legs staring at her hands in a prayer motion. 

“of course not. “she scolded, “he told me he had- he had…”

She couldn’t finish her phrase, her lip wobbling slightly.

“what?”

“syphilis, he told me he had syphilis.”

“good-“ Mendel said absentmindedly, folding a leg over the other as he scrawled onto his notebook.

“good? Doctor?”

Mendel looked up, realising his mistake, “good that you are opening up.”

“’I have syphilis it’s true’ he said.” She ignored Mendel again, staring into the space in front of her , “he said it was awful and that he wanted to get rid of it and then- then…”

“yes?”

“maybe darling so do you.” She made a face, mimicking Marvin’s, clenched jaw pouting slightly.

“good.”

“good!? I am probably diseased!” she took a deep breath trying to relax slightly, “He thought I was stupid, you can’t just get it!” She exclaimed “The neighbours thought I was a clown, they thought I didn’t know that my husband was whoring around, I knew he was with others, I just thought they were women. I thought I could win him back.”

“no, it is good.” Mendel replied. He put down his notebook and pen, tapping the coffee table sat in front of Trina. She looked at him and he smiled kindly, putting her legs up onto the table. “you were faithful to your husband even when you knew of his betrayal.”

She looked back to him, “when he called me Darling, I just- I just became the girl who fell in love with the polite, quiet boy who took me to the park and asked me if he could have my telephone number. I didn’t stay because I was faithful, I stayed because of how little love he gave me. I am so easily appeased.” 

“you’re such a wonderful girl Mrs Feldman, don’t forget it just because you didn’t hear it from your husband.”

Mendel placed a gentle hand on her back, and she shivered slightly, having not felt the loving touch of anyone for months. She looked to him, something about his smile felt so sweet and meaningful and the compliment, oh the compliment made her feel ever so warm and tingly inside. 

A feeling she hadn’t felt for years

And suddenly Mendel removed his hand, picking up the notebook again and noting ‘possibly diseased’ scared of how unprofessional this beautiful woman was making him. Maybe her flaws would humanise her. 

Trina looked away as she blushed, continuing “he avoided having sex with me for months, saying he didn’t want the syphilis to spread if I didn’t really have it. It didn’t take me long to find out that the symptoms would have come on straight away. I knew he was lying so I asked again, and he told me I have hepatitis too!” 

“hepatitis b?”

“hepatitis hepatitis” Trina nodded, “there’s a test for it and everything and I took one, it came back negative.” 

“so he made it up to stop being intimate with you?” Mendel asked. 

“yes!” Trina’s voice was high pitched and weepy.

“Trina, sorry, is it okay if I call you that?” Trina nodded and she turned her body into his “Trina, Love is something very difficult to explain, it makes you do insane things, stops you from being your true self. Love is spiteful but love is also beautiful, it’s messy, confusing and can get ugly, like in your case, but the rough parts are what make the best parts so incredible.”

She turned away again, jaw clenched as she continued her story. This time she became more animated, moving her arms as she realised how poor her life had been, “so I quit my job to take care of my men, no my boys. They faked their crocodile tears, they became infantile as I looked after their soaked duvets, Marvin played dead whenever I tried to be…intimate with him-“ 

Mendel continued to write on his notepad, making alarming faces as he tried to seem interested. 

“then Jason, Jason one day called Marvin a prick.”

“how old is he?”

Trina clenched her jaw looking away from Mendel as she shook her head, “ten. My son is ten years old and he’s already calling his father a prick.”

“what else?” Mendel asked as Trina massaged her hands roughly, picking at the blisters that were forming on her palms. 

“he said that his father wasn’t his.”

“and what did he mean by that?”

Trina sighed, “Marvin isn’t the best parent, but he doesn’t actually belong to us anymore. He’s with Whizzer and no matter how much Jason likes Whizzer, Jason no longer thinks that he’s a priority.”

“tell me” Mendel said softly, looking up from his paper, “who’s looking after Jason right now?”

Trina let out a small laugh, nodding as she avoided Mendel’s eye contact, “Whizzer, because Marvin had to work late.”

“good.” 

“there’s no need for me to defend Marvin’s shitty parenting skills any more, yet I still do. What’s wrong with me doctor?” 

“you still love him.”

“but I shouldn’t”

“did he try to impress you?”

Trina smiled, looking into thin air as she remembered valentines, “of course, it didn’t matter if he was gay, I was still his wife. He would shower me with gifts, and I would remember why I loved him.”

“I’m curious, you never say the reason you married him, instead it’s the reason you loved him.”

“the love came after the marriage. I was practically a child when I got pregnant, my father- my father did what was best, I will never regret loving him, but it hurt more than it gave me joy.” 

“you really are damaged.” Mendel muttered under his breath, trying again to detach his feelings from his work. From this remarkable woman sitting beside him. 

“damaged?!” Trina raised her voice, angry now at what Marvin had done to her, “of course I’m damaged. The other night as Marvin and Whizzer were fighting I tried… I tried to cut myself.”

“do not ever hurt yourself Trina, it’s ever so easy for it to become a dangerous habit.”

Trina kept skipping through different subjects frantically, not sure how to focus on one, “I would come home from shopping, check on Jason and find Marvin and Whizzer kissing and somehow I was the insane one!”

“petty.” Mendel said, an almost warning tone in his voice as he wrote it down on a piece of paper. 

“I know!” Trina exclaimed.

“no, I mean you.” He put a firm, comforting hand on her leg, “You need to forget that Whizzer is a man, treat them in your mind that Marvin is in another heteronormative relationship.”

Trina scoffed, “god knows Marvin does.” she laughed bitterly.

Mendel cocked his head, turning to face Trina, putting the notebook down as he listened intensely, “how does he do that?”

“Whizzer took my place.” She said, looking down at her hands, tiny pearls of tears building in her eyes, “he began to cook for us, he began to clean, he- he- he took my son away from me. Jason loves him more than he loves me.” 

Mendel rubbed her leg sympathetically and his voice dropped to almost a whisper as he looked into her eyes, red and swollen from all the crying she had been doing recently, “I’m sure that is not true.” 

Trina smiled as she turned her body inwards and for the first time the whole session, they were like two halves of whole. The tension in the air was thick, charged with the electricity they shared. 

Trina reached out, leaning to touch his arm, when jumpily Mendel looked down, checking his watch, “good god, is that the time?” He asked, jumping up and rubbing the back of his neck, Trina stunned on her chair, “Trina, that was the end of the session, please come back next Friday. I really do admire you.” 

She clasped his hands with her own, her silk handkerchief intertwining between their fingers. They slipped away as quickly as they met and Mendel watched, almost in a daze, entranced by her as she left. He looked to his feet, seeing her light silken handkerchief on the floor and picked it up gingerly, taking a look around before bringing it to his nose, closing his eyes as he took a long inhale. 

For some reason, it smelt like home. 

He walked over to his desk, placing his notebook down on the edge.

Mendel rooted through the drawers until he found the large tape recorder, picking it up and putting it down rather aggressively onto the counter.

He clicked the red circular button, hearing the tapes spin. 

He began to speak.

“one of my patients once told me that in debris comes love, that they had only ever experience compulsory love and their denial about loving their real love only made them uptight and cold, that once they found it, let themself go, it was worth the pain. today I think I fell in love. I have never once found someone I love; we both have very common personality types and I believe that her insecurity may be the only way someone as beautiful as she may ever fall in love with someone like me. I’ve never considered a family, my work is my love as so many cliché people say to me, but maybe I have only ever told myself that it’s my passion to hide what I’m really missing?”

He ran a hand through his tight curls, fluffing them out slightly and he thought out loud to himself.

in his mind, Marvin appeared in front of him, eyebrow raised with the underlying aggression they held for one another. “it’s so ironic that you make people talk about their feelings for a living but ignore your own issues.” 

It was a sure hit to Mendel’s pride, not even mattering that Marvin wasn’t really there considering it was a figment of his imagination. 

“shut up.” He muttered under his breath.

“remember, she’s my wife, she’s your client. You don’t really love her; you just admire her for putting up with me.” 

Mendel sighed, realising what Marvin was saying was true, and closed his eyes, thinking back to his train of thoughts.

“umm… oh! I can fix Trina, it won’t take very long, I can do it swiftly. I admire her, she’s so strong and I respect that. “His finger hovered over the tape recorder, going to press the stop button when he froze. “I think there’s something wonderful inside her that she hasn’t let the world see yet. I want to see that part of her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEXT CHAPTER IS THE THRILL OF FIRST LOVE AND I LOVE THAT SONG SO FREAKING MUCH!!!!!!!!


	4. Thrill of first love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooooo your gal watched the prom. 
> 
> all I can say is that love thy neighbour is the best song and you can fight me on that. 
> 
> also Andrew Rannells WITH GLASSES IS SUCH A VIBE
> 
> and if you agree with me, go watch black Monday, it's hilarious. 
> 
> https://tinyzonetv.to/tv/watch-black-monday-2019-free-38108
> 
> that's a link to a free streaming site, IT'S NOT ILLEGAL UNLESS YOU DOWNLOAD STUFF FUN TIP FOR LIFE 
> 
> anyways please do enjoy, this chapter's such a vibe

<https://tinyzonetv.to/tv/watch-black-monday-2019-free-38108>

The cool brown leather of the sofa perfectly contrasted the mint green of Whizzer Brown’s shirt. These tiny coincidences were the things that made his day. He had draped his body over it, arms stretching along the top, reaching daintily for the ends. One leg was hanging over the other, and in his outstretched hand, he held a lit cigarette, the space between his fingers going an unhealthy mustard. He didn’t actually smoke, an uncommon trait for someone in the late seventies, but he liked it’s presence, made him feel less lonely. The Television was playing in the background, but he wasn’t watching, instead he was staring into space, waiting.

Finally the door swung open, Marvin storming in.

Whizzer could never gage how his work went straight away, he always had aggression in his gate, always swung the door open as if he wanted to find Whizzer in a compromising position with another man. But Whizzer would just be there, sat on the couch as if he hadn’t moved all day.

Marvin didn’t pause as he stormed into the room, Whizzer not even tearing his eyes away from the television as he heard the sound of Marvin’s jacket thudding to the floor. “Fold your clothes Marvin.” He warned, leaning forward to tap his cigarette against the side of the ash tray before returning back to his outstretched position.

Marvin dropped the briefcase next to his jacket, “Whizzer begs.” He replied, a grin on his face. Marvin kicked his briefcase over as he took the cigarette from Whizzer’s hand. Whizzer sat up suddenly, reaching into thin air as Marvin teased away the cigarette, watching him as he took a drag, sighing slightly before he stubbed it out in the sink, the cigarette hissing against it’s still wet surface.

Marvin enjoyed the occasional cigarette when work got too stressful.

“ _Whizzer_ knows, and _whizzer_ can also hear.” Whizzer replied, huffing as he turned back to the television. He heard the sound of the fridge opening, knowing that Marvin would be getting a beer. Only for himself, Whizzer thought, he was selfish that way. “Coaster.” He shouted out, hearing the sigh as Marvin opened another cabinet, the scuffing sounds of bowls against wood until he heard the click of the wooden coaster on the counter.

Marvin approached him again, “Hey.” He said softly. Obviously work went well or he would already have stripped Whizzer down to nothing right there on the couch. Marvin placed the beer down on the coffee table in front of Whizzer, and he grunted, not looking up. Marvin sighed, peering down the front of Whizzer’s unbuttoned shirt. “Shave your chest Whizzer.”

Whizzer looked up, his cheekbones flawless and sharp, getting sharper as he let it get to him. “I already shave my arms and legs for you, isn’t that feminine enough?”

"You’re a prick.” Marvin scoffed

Whizzer rolled his eyes, “God, you’re so fucking impossible.”

They stared aggressively at the other before a smile broke Whizzer’s face, “Hi.” He said, “How was work?”

“Fine, boring. What did you do today?” Marvin had a look on his face, the look that could see through Whizzer’s lies.

To be entirely truthful, Whizzer and Marvin didn’t have a thing in common, which was the root of many a fight. Where Whizzer was proud and indiscreet, Marvin was secretive and poised.

“I went to the gym.” Whizzer said, jaw clenching automatically as he smiled without his eyes. He looked down to his foot, twirling it passive aggressively. Marvin stared for a moment before deciding he was telling the truth, walking around Whizzer and possessively splaying his hands over Whizzer’s chest, massaging him. Whizzer felt his chest tightening, knowing what Marvin was doing, knowing Marvin was trying to tie him down.

“And what did you do at the gym?” Marvin asked, digging his thumbs slightly deeper into Whizzer’s shoulder, the pain causing Whizzer to moan, a red flush hinting the top of his ears.

He applied more pressure, and Whizzer bit his lip, “I played racquetball.” He said as though Marvin was a child.

“We should play some time.” Marvin replied absentmindedly.

Whizzer scoffed, “Please.” He laughed, a loud snort leaving his nose.

They were already about to begin the first argument of the day. In the morning’s, Marvin would wake at six, splashing cold water into his face as he got ready for work. He would skip breakfast, a cigarette instead while he was in the car, fogging up the windows as he would yell at the traffic, arrive seconds early and work all day.

Whizzer’s routine widely contrasted Marvin’s, a lazy morning, waking up at lunch time. He would also skip breakfast but drink green tea instead, he would then do whatever he fancied until Marvin got home.

But he usually fancied the same things. shopping, bathing, working out, fucking.

The early evenings were the first time they saw each other.

“How much caffeine have you had today Whizzer?” Marvin asked suddenly, unprompted.

Whizzer’s eyes’ narrowed, “A couple of cups of green tea. Why?”

“You’re jittery.” Marvin said, letting go of Whizzer’s neck suddenly, the absence of hands-on Whizzer making him whine slightly, “Maybe you’re lying.”

“For fuck’s sake Marvin, this, _again?”_ Whizzer pulled himself forward, fixing his collar. “Just drop it, we won’t—”

“Don’t-“

“Won’t-“

“Don’t-“

“No Marvin, Won’t. Don’t implies that we’re only disagreeing right now.” He put his finger up as Marvin tried to get the last word in “Our relationship is materialistic, you’re so stubborn and you continuously bring this back up. It’s Won’t.” Whizzer got up, “Besides, this is artificial, you don’t care if you hurt me, you don’t care if you get hurt, it’ll just reset after we have sex.”

“Don’t.” Marvin muttered as Whizzer bent over to pick up his suit jacket, he had to get the final word in.

Whizzer scoffed as the polyester scratched his hands, folding it lightly. He hung it over the back of the sofa, turning off the television. “How you don’t go up in flames every day is utterly unknown to me.” Whizzer said as he stared at the ugly shirt Marvin was wearing. Marvin scrunched his eye brows, a fake pout crossing his lips, playful. Whizzer approached him, his muscular thighs grazing past each other. “You know, I spent a summer in France when I was seventeen-“ Whizzer said, his voice light, dreamy as he gently undid the tie hanging around Marvin’s neck. “I met this gorgeous man, what was his name?” he asked himself, staring at the red chequered fabric, clashing horrendously with the green chequered shirt.

“Careful Whizz.” Marvin warned, “People will start to think you’re aging.” Picking on Whizzer’s insecurities.

Whizzer ignored him, loosening the tie. “He wore these tight shirt’s, I got all of my fashion advice from him… what was his name?” Marvin rolled his eyes, knowing Whizzer was trying to make him jealous, “Pierre.” He grinned, rolling the r’s in a way Marvin found appetising “He had these expensive cufflinks, and, to innocent little me, he was a man. He did taxes, he would cash cheques, cancel debts… and Jesus, in bed-“ his eyes rolled back slightly as a tiny smile played his lips.

That was the part that hurt Marvin, pulling away from Whizzer, the tie which had been curling between Whizzer’s fingers, slipping away from his grasp and dropping open around Marvin’s neck.

“Aw you get jealous so easily.” Whizzer chimed; his voice lighter than air as he watched Marvin’s expression closely. By now he could map out every single change that showed Marvin’s anger, the tautness of his jaw, the singular flare of his nostrils before they went back to normal, the way his eyes would become the colour of a sea monster surfacing beneath a boat, so large, it didn’t even cause any suspicion.   
There was something beautiful in the way Marvin’s eyes could change colour, something unreal and striking about them. They were the first thing Whizzer noticed about him.

“Did you love him?” Marvin asked. Whizzer hardly ever opened up about himself, this occasion was rare and needed to be grasped tightly.

A tinkle of a laugh followed, “Love is a game, my love.” Whizzer said, pulling the back of Marvin’s shirt collar to expose the label, “You don’t love me, and you don’t want to. Please be realistic as we upset the game.” He sneered as he read the label, “ _Wash and wear_ Marvin, really?”

“Whizzer Brown.” Marvin hummed, “Whizzer brown, what ever will I do with you? You know of nothing but Dreck.”

“Maybe, if you put a bit more interest into my _dreck_ , this might work. you force and force, but nothing ever comes out of it.” A slight giddy feeling overcame Whizzer, childlike and full of wonder as he played absentmindedly with the shirt, “Buy me flowers Marvin, you used to buy them for Trina.”

Their noses were almost touching, and Marvin’s voice was low and quiet, “I thought you didn’t want me to treat you like a lady?”

“Make them roses-“ Whizzer whispered back, disregarding his question. His reference to the flowers seemed to mock Marvin. Roses, for love, for romance, both of which never existed, the most romantic they got was sharing a cigarette in bed.

Whizzer leant in, his breath mingling and mixing with Marvin’s and as he went to kiss him, Marvin pulled away, “your attention is payed already in the clothes I bought you last week.” He replied, smarmily, passive aggressive in the same way he would act with Trina. “It’s a transaction Whizzer.”

“You are so two faced! You want me to love you; you want me to get out of your sight. Maybe romanticise it a little, you buy the flowers, I pretend to be a housewife and sleep with you. I know It’s materialistic and _I know_ it’s a transaction, but I still want romance not arrangement.” Whizzer scorned, putting a hand up and pushed Marvin playfully. As he drew his hand away, it was caught in the others grasp, pulling Whizzer in close to him. Whizzer held his height, not stooping to reach the shorter’s and pressed his front into Marvin’s, “Pick up your clothes Marvin, you _act_ like a straight man Marvin.”

“This _is_ an arrangement. You’re with me for the money.”

Whizzer’s voice turned low and dangerous, “And you’re with me because I will fuck you, your wife never did.” He twisted, trying to walk away, but was pulled back to him by Marvin’s tight grip on his hips.

Marvin brought his mouth up to Whizzer’s ear, feeling him try to squirm from his grip and whispered, “What did you do at the gym today?” into his ear.

He rolled his eyes, answer unwavering as he replied, “I played racquetball.”

Marvin pulled him back, his strong grip leaving bruises on Whizzer’s hips. He liked the bruises, they were like victory tokens, medals that he won. He began to grind into Whizzer, a smile playing his lips and a chill running down his spine that he would never let Marvin see. Marvin always expected and demanded sex. Whizzer hated admitting that he was horny during these times, refusing to let him win, denying him the thing Marvin thought he had a right to.

“One day _Marv,_ the passion will die, and I will leave. The more you ask, the faster it wilts.”

“Don’t call me _Marv.”_ Marvin snapped into Whizzer’s ear, biting it in a final effort and Whizzer leapt around. Losing his dominance with a scowl on his face.

“Why not?” Whizzer questioned, voice deep, much deeper than usual. Suddenly Marvin was on the ground, his wrists pressed to the floor above his head as Whizzer straddled him, dominating for a change as Marvin squirmed.

Marvin threw his head back, it banging loudly on the wooden floorboards as he tried to squirm out of Whizzer’s grip, wincing, “Because it’s not my fucking name.” He squeezed Whizzer’s wrists, rolling on the floor and kneed Whizzer’s crotch, causing him to lose his concentration for the briefest moment and Marvin was on top of him again, fingers wrapped around his throat.

Whizzer began to claw at the hand around his throat, trying to prise the fingers apart, “I’m not in the mood _Marv._ ” He teased, a ferocious glint in his eye as he struggled, thrashing against Marvin. “Let go.”

Marvin squeezed harder, other hand moving down Whizzer’s crotch, “Beg.” He said, eyes dark, and Whizzer began to choke, shaking his head in defiance. Marvin rolled his eyes at whizzer’s stubbornness to do anything he asked and pressed his hand down Whizzer’s pants. “I said beg, slut.”

It stung, but Whizzer would never admit it. He didn’t care what most _people_ called him, but Marvin was the exception.

Slight tears built up in the corners of Whizzer’s eyes from the pressure around his neck, and from the back of his throat, a low growl exacerbated the air. “Please.” He said quietly, looking anywhere but at the smug Marvin straddling him.

“What was that?” Marvin asked, forcing Whizzer’s head so he was reluctantly making eye contact with him.

Whizzer let out a hiss. “Please.” He repeated. The grip on his neck loosened and he sat up, Marvin’s legs entangled in his own. He sat with a moody scowl on his face, and unlike usual, Marvin suddenly became gentle, reaching a hand out, mildly holding his jawline. He bent down to kiss Whizzer, a kiss that looked to be sweet and soft, but at the last minute, he swerved, his grip tightening as he pulled Whizzer’s head at an angle, examining his neck. The dark bruises trailed way below his shirt collar and Marvin’s jaw clenched.

“Nyah…” whizzer made the odd sound as he pulled his face out of Marvin’s hand, getting up off of the floor and picking up Marvin’s jacket again.

“What did you do at the gym today?” Marvin asked, and this time Whizzer could feel the way his voice froze around him.

He kept his distance, “I played racquetball.”

“Well those hickeys weren’t fucking there last night. What did you do at the gym today?”

Whizzer threw down the jacket, it becoming unfolded on the floor, like him. “What the hell do you want to hear Marvin? I went to the gym, met someone and he fucked me in the showers? Am I at his place right now? No.”

“Love me.”

“If you care so much about my promiscuity then leave.” He didn’t even feel threatened for a moment, knowing Marvin depended on his love. “You cannot be foolish enough to believe that I could ever love you.”

“Then want me.”

Whizzer scoffed, “You know you couldn’t handle that.” He said quietly, not wanting to show his true feelings.

Marvin nodded, a manic smile on his face, “You’re cruel, and childish-“ Whizzer rolled his eyes, picking up the jacket and folding it again, “And you’re cheap. You use me.”

Whizzer threw the jacket to the side, “When I love something I devour it. I don’t want a fucking relationship Marvin, and you knew that. I want to be drilled into _my_ mattress and left alone the next morning, not wake up and have to see you every single day.”

“What was it that you said the night we met?” Marvin asked maliciously, approaching Whizzer, “What I covet I keep-“

“No! Not in this circumstance and you know it!” Whizzer protested.

“No, no, no. isn’t that right Whizzer-“ he threw his hands up into the air, angry now, face blood red and livid. “-let’s both fight Whizzer, since that’s the only thing that turns you on you… you psycho.”

“You want to hurt me?” Whizzer asked, towering over Marvin, “Well I’ll just go find that man from the gym. I have his address somewhere, he said I was very flexible.”

“Fine. I’m best when I fucking cheat, so I’ll play dirty too. I did better cheating on Trina with you, so I’m sure I can easily find someone better than you.” He said, pushing Whizzer out of his face. The shove was hard, real and for a moment, Marvin saw the heart stopping terror in Whizzer’s eyes as he tripped, stumbling to find his footing.

And he relished it.

Whizzer stood still for a moment, jaw locked before he gestured to the coffee table, “Your beer’s getting warm.” He said quietly, an air of calmness about him, watching Marvin’s ass as he reluctantly sat on the sofa. Delicately, he began to massage his shoulders, feeling the way Marvin suddenly tightened beneath him and huffed, giving up and taking a seat next to him, legs splayed wide to show he still maintained some dominance in his own home.

As if by instinct, Marvin’s hand was on Whizzer’s upper thigh, the same way it would be whenever they went out to a bar and Whizzer would get hit on.

As if by instinct, Whizzer removed his hand, placing it back on Marvin’s leg the same way it would be whenever they went out to a bar and he got hit on.

“You know it’s been almost a year.” Marvin said, breaking the silence.

Whizzer’s jaw tightened. “Oh. I wasn’t counting.” He replied. Lie. Whizzer was very much counting, nine and a half months, each day feeling as though it was harder and harder to leave. He was trapped and since they were living in his apartment, he couldn’t exactly ghost him.

“Jason’s coming over this weekend.” Marvin sighed, making Whizzer’s eyebrows knit together.

Reluctant to spend time with own son, it broke Whizzer’s heart. Jason deserved so much better. So did Trina… “so Trina’s dropping him off?” he asked, the train of thoughts breaking into reality.

“Yes, you know that means we-“

“I know.” Whizzer said, adopting a superficial smile and placing Marvin’s hand on his leg, leaning in to him and putting his own hand on Marvin’s chest “We have to be perfect.” He sighed, leaning his head onto Marvin’s chest.

The feeling of safety scared him, scared him that he was beginning to get feelings for this manipulative, angry man that was starting to isolate him.

They sat, the superficial perfection of a couple, a couple that didn’t just get in a fight over whizzer screwing other men, or Marvin paying him in kind to stick around.

Whizzer looked up to Marvin, seeing the look of pure love on his face, and his eyes flickered from Marvin’s eyes down to his lips hating himself for leaning in. The moment their lips met, a fire shot through the pair of them, uniting them as one. The fiery prongs of passion mellowing to a sweet hint of sugar and Whizzer, sensing it, suddenly pulled back, getting up. “That’s it.” He said, hating the sincerity of the affection.

But Marvin grabbed his trousers, pulling him back so he was beneath him on the couch, pressing his legs together as Marvin tried to spread them. Whizzer grabbed Marvin’s hair, and in the moment he tried throwing his hand off, made a dash for their bedroom, tripping over the briefcase. Marvin dove at him, pulling down his pants as Whizzer squirmed.

All part of the game.

Somehow Whizzer found himself gasping as his face was pushed into the wall, fingers reaching and grabbing for anything, trying to claw into the smooth wallpaper, whimpering as Marvin held his head in place, roughly fucking him from behind.

Marvin wasn’t sure how long later, but they always ended up in bed, his arms tight around Whizzer as he sat, thinking, a cigarette almost entirely burnt out in his long fingers. That was the only time they were true, real.

Human.

He saw Whizzer in pain, but also satisfied, beautiful, but also broken. Whizzer let Marvin hold him in his arms, exhausted from the sex. He let himself relax and drift off to sleep in Marvin’s possessive grip, reminding himself that he would prefer to be alone, but Marvin insisted he stay.

Marvin would never insist.

Their bodies would wrap around each other, relax and float away, forgetting about everything they had fought about that day as they both lied to themselves.

Whizzer reminding himself he didn’t love Marvin.

Marvin reminding himself that Whizzer was his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like sometimes I just want to listen to "I'd rather be sailing" from a new brain and SleEp 
> 
> also, it's so vibey, just the harmony on the lines "the sea is incredibly blue." 
> 
> if you haven't listened, do it. 
> 
> also Jonathon Groff being his full gay self is adorable.


	5. Marvin at the psychiatrist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soo, this chapter just kept getting longer and longer, AND DON'T COME AT ME FOR INCLUDING WHIZZER MKAY!!! also, I really wanted to kinda show you how crappy all the characters are, so this is a defo low point for whizzer
> 
> mature themes, idk, can't really remember 
> 
> also I googled what cocaine felt like for this chapter, you're welcome.

It wasn’t a still morning, but it wasn’t a choppy one either.

It was the same almost every single week, Marvin would take the morning off, going to the psychiatrist instead. He would lay in bed for an extra half an hour, usually awake, watching Whizzer. Watching how his head would fall softly into the pillow, his hair messy and relaxed like him, not slicked back into the sleek tight style it usually was.

Then Whizzer would stir. His eyes would flicker open as the sun light would dance over his eyelids and for a moment, he would scrunch his forehead, then stare at Marvin, his honey eyes warm and droopy, his long eyelashes batting gently.

Whizzer thought Marvin was most beautiful in the mornings. His hair wild and resembling a lions. His eyes would be a glowing a gentle blue, lighter than they were when they fought the night before, and his chin would be slightly rough from the stubble that was growing. Whizzer thought Marvin was most beautiful in the mornings because they hadn’t had an argument yet.

Whizzer would usually try not to speak, try not to break the spell.

He would kiss Marvin’s jaw, leaving tiny nibbles and lazily, would suck Marvin off. It would only take a few minutes, Whizzer being very good at his job, and then he would take Marvin in his arms, still in silence apart from the soft moans barely audible that had slipped from Marvin’s lips, now a sweet memory in Whizzer’s mind. He would reach into Marvin’s bedside table, pulling out a cigarette and would place it between Marvin’s teeth, lighting it for him with the solid gold, engraved lighter his mother had gifted him for his graduation.

“Whizzer, Whizzer brown.” Marvin would hum, sometimes they were the first words he would say in the morning. “What the hell am I gonna do with you.”

Whizzer would smile, plucking the cigarette from Marvin’s mouth, and would kiss him, biting his bottom lip and Marvin would make a sour face, not used to the taste of his own cum. Or anyone’s to be honest. He would pull away taking back his cigarette. His hand rested almost naturally on the top of Whizzer’s bare thigh, massaging the hard muscle between his fingertips and palm, moulding it as though it was one of Michelangelo statues, perfect and pristine. And to be truly honest, Marvin thought he was perfect. Well physically at least.

Then Marvin would shower, the warm water forming condensation on the mirrors, a haze of steam surrounding Whizzer as he would slip into the bathroom, rub the mirror down with the shirt Marvin had planned on wearing.

Marvin always wore nice clothes on the days he went to the psychiatrist as Whizzer would pick them out for him after making sure he couldn’t use the clothes he had already chosen.

Whizzer then stood in the humid air, gently applying product to his hair, raking his fingers through it as he tried to increase its volume, bringing his hairline forward. He hummed under his breath, a tune Marvin never recognised, but his voice echoed and resonated through the bathroom, beautiful and haunting.

Siren like.

That’s how Marvin would describe Whizzer, a siren. Perfect until he showed his true colours, beautiful, able to seduce anyone. But cruel and mean, as he lured sailors to their watery grave.

Marvin drew back the shower curtain and would shimmy past Whizzer, squeezing his hips in a way that made even the most confident man in the world blush, watching Marvin’s reflection as he went to dry himself, going back to their bedroom where, folded perfectly on the bed, was an outfit Whizzer wanted him to wear. Reluctantly, he would put the clothes on, hating how he actually looked good in them.

That was how it went once a week, usually the only time they didn’t fight or argue.

But that morning it was different, Marvin ignoring Whizzer after a particularly bad fight they had the night before, Whizzer wide eyed and hurt as Marvin would spite him with every stone-cold stare or passive aggressive move he pulled.

When he didn’t shout was when Whizzer was scared of him. Marvin would always shout. The yells were like stabs to Whizzer’s chest, but the whispers and the sneers were like the knife rotating and tearing at the holes he had already left, picking on Whizzer’s deeper flaws, making everything personal. When Marvin was like this, Whizzer would never dare to goad him into a fight, instead tried to keep to himself, no matter how hard it was, and would sometimes disappear for a day or two and come back once he felt safe again.

“Marv-“ Whizzer started.

“ _Marvin.”_ He kept his words only to what was necessary, back almost always turned to Whizzer.

He sighed, “Let me drive you to the psychiatrist.”

“No.”

“Come on Marv, you could-“

“ _Marvin_.”

“Please.” Whizzer said, a subtle regret in his words that even Marvin, with the emotional intelligence of a child, could hear.

Marvin turned to Whizzer, his eyes bloodshot from the lack of sleep he had been getting considering how much their fighting had increased and his tone became bitter and spiteful causing Whizzer to recoil.

“Beg.” He spat. His response to everything. The only way he felt like he was able to control his surroundings, making them beg for what they wanted.

Whizzer clenched his jaw. This wasn’t a fight he needed to win. “Fine.” He said, smiling sadly, letting his jaw relax, “Please let me drive you to the psychiatrist.” Marvin stared. “I want to apologise.” He added.

“Apologise then.” Marvin stated, approaching Whizzer.

“That’s why I’d drive you. It would be an apology.” Whizzer explained, his eyes averting from the floor up to meet Marvin’s.

They stared at each other for a moment, both tired from all of the fighting they had been doing, huge bags beneath Marvin’s eyes and a slight stoop in Whizzer’s usually tall frame.

“Just… say you’re sorry.” Marvin whispered. “Say you’re sorry for not coming home till late, say you’re sorry for coming home high-“ his voice became louder and louder but never reaching a scream, “-say you’re sorry for waking Jason.”

“I was making Jason a meal; he was already awake scrounging for left overs because he doesn’t eat around you.” Whizzer closed his eyes, exhaling heavily, trying to keep his cool. “I’m not sorry.” He added, completely contradicting himself.

Marvin’s nostrils flared, no more of the fun and games, the fights and lies. This was real conflict; the real conflict Whizzer would run from.

“Fine.”

Whizzer’s eyes flashed open, staring at Marvin, it wasn’t the response he had expected. He watched as Marvin grabbed a green jacket that did not go with his outfit, and Whizzer quickly followed, picking out his own Blue blazer and ran.

The drive was silent, which usually would have been good, but instead, it was a sharp silence, a painful and inescapable nod to the hatred the men felt towards themselves.

Every now and again, Marvin would make a strained noise as he criticised Whizzer’s driving, but he would just keep his eyes on the road.

“Why aren’t you sorry.”

“Because love isn’t real.” Whizzer replied, not even making sense as he answered with a puzzle.

Marvin scoffed, keeping his eyes forward, “Of course love is real.”

Whizzer suddenly braked hard, tires screeching to a halt as he swept around the corner, parking askew in the alley. There was a moment of silence as Whizzer pulled down the mirror from the roof of the car, fixing his hair. He froze mid twirl of a strand, “How would you know?” he asked, his voice low and gravelly. The mirror closed with a snap, and Marvin watched him remove the tight brown leather driving gloves, letting them trail in his nimble fingers as he opened his car door.

He leant against the bonnet of the car, taking a tiny vial out of his breast pocket, pulling his sunglasses onto the top of his head as he brought it up to his nose. He pulled out a safety pin, scooping some of the white powder and blocked one nostril, taking a deep sniff out of the other. A small snort bounced off of the walls in the alleyway as Marvin watched, a disapproving scowl contorting his face.

“Jesus Christ, not even midday.”

Whizzer rolled his eyes, his jitters that he didn’t even realise he had, subsided as he pulled the sunglasses back down again, “Go blow a load then cry about it.” Whizzer snapped back, finally breaking from all faithful, Trina act he liked to put on for self-preservation. “Condescending prick.” He muttered under his breath as he stalked away.

Marvin sighed, quickly catching up to the taller man, “Why the fuck are you getting high now!”

“Because I can’t deal with you, you’re lucky it took this long.”

“You told me you didn’t smoke or do drugs.”

“I don’t. I’m not an addict, I’m a user. I did a shit load of coke last night because I needed to get away from _you_ and I was out. Now I need something to calm me down. “

“Cocaine!? It does the opposite you moron!” Marvin hissed; a brief look over his shoulder as he became afraid people he knew would see them together.

Whizzer turned on his haunches, hands bunched around the green Jacket Marvin wore, his vision was red and angry, blossoming after being contained in the pit of his stomach for so long. “Don’t you fucking dare call me a moron. I may not be as smart as you, but I am in no means an idiot. It only feels like a strong cup of coffee you asshole, and that’s what I need. A ten-minute high so I can maybe feel slightly better about the shoddy choices I’ve made in my life for a while. How long’s this shitshow gonna take anyway?”

Marvin pulled Whizzer’s hands away from the jacket, spitting onto the floor by their feet. “An hour.” Marvin muttered causing Whizzer to huff.

He pushed open the door that was beside them and walked in. “You act like a straight man Marvin.” Whizzer critiqued, following him into the room.

He had never been there before as he didn’t believe in ‘Psychiatry voodoo’ as he put it. The waiting room was very stylish, white and clean. Whizzer couldn’t help but admit he liked it, relaxed him slightly as he felt the power from the drugs rush through his veins.

“Whizzer.” Marvin snapped, and Whizzer’s eyes opened wide as he stared to the desk where Marvin was standing.

“What?” he asked sharply, mimicking the chill in Marvin’s voice.

“Wait here, I don’t want you to wander off high or… ah hello.” He cut himself off with a tight-lipped smile as Mendel’s door opened.

“Mr Marvin!” Mendel put out his hand and took Marvin’s in both as he shook it firmly, “It’s nice to see you again, how are you?”

“I’m fine, just a bit-“

“Who’s this?” Mendel interrupted, seeing the tall man who was cautious, shyly edging up behind Marvin.

“Oh.” Marvin’s tone became icy again, “This is-“

“Whizzer. Whizzer Brown.” He smiled, a bright, yet fake look on his face. His forehead was beginning to become slick with sweat, and to Marvin, it just made his hair look even more perfect, the tiny beads of water pearly in Whizzer’s hair. He stepped forward, shaking Mendel’s hand. “You’ve probably heard of me, I’m his lover, or roommate, or whatever he likes to refer to me as-“ he turned to face Marvin, passive aggressive in tone as he said, “- and you probably must think I’m a cheating fuck.”

“Jesus Whizzer, you just described yourself to a T.” Marvin bitched, his hands finding their way to his hips in the way they always did before a fight. “fucking whore.” He muttered quietly to himself.

“Did I?” Whizzer quipped, mocking Marvin, making a face as he scoffed. “and if I’m the whore then what are you when you beg me to let you have it up the ass?” Whizzer spat.

Mendel’s eyes opened wide at the too much information Whizzer could casually drop.

“one time, Whizzer that was one time!” Marvin exclaimed, his face turning scarlet from embarrassment.

“was it?” Whizzer questioned, “I wouldn’t know, and you certainly begged-“ he laughed “-Whizzer, please, I’ll do anything, please, I’m yours… fuck” he adopted a higher voice, mimicking Marvin’s moans.

“and what the fuck about you, huh?” Marvin kept his voice down, taking glances every now and again to the woman at the desk up front.

“oh, well you already called me a whore so I don’t think you can stoop any lower-“

“three way.” Marvin said the two words his face showing no emotion and suddenly Whizzer’s face was the same colour as his.

He snarled under his breath, face incredibly close to Marvin’s, “I’d like to see you take two dicks, god knows you can’t even take one.” Mendel winced as he said it, trying to wrap his head around the science of the matter.

Marvin spluttered, lunging forward as Whizzer danced out of his grasp, the silvery laugh of the game mocking him as Whizzer took Mendel’s hand again, shaking it as he watched the fury grow, with a smile, on Marvin’s face.

Mendel’s eyes opened wide at the pairs dynamic, his face dropping into a fish gape, before he regained his composure and spoke again, “That’s not your real name.” he stated, eyebrow raised as he felt the sweat that was building in Whizzer’s palm.

Whizzer, high and caught off guard, just nodded. “You got me-“ he drawled, letting go of Mendel’s hand and sneered at it, putting his hands up in mock surrender “-now why don’t you put a shotgun to my head and shoot me.” He added sarcastically.

“Wait, what?” Marvin asked, his head snapping around to look at Whizzer, an almost hysteric laugh in his voice. “You trust me _that_ little! It’s been ten months-“

“Nine months and this isn’t about you-“ Whizzer started, eyes stormy as he stalked down the waiting room, finding a comfortable chair down the aisle. “-in fact, _Marv,_ not everything is about you. Please tell him that for me Doctor.” He added, sitting down with his legs spread, elbow balanced on one thigh, massaging his temples between his long fingers.

Mendel gestured for Marvin, patting his back as Marvin struggled slightly, looking back at Whizzer as he was beckoned into the familiar room.

“TEN MONTHS!”

“So…that was Whizzer.” Mendel hadn’t even closed the door before he had begun to speak. “Do you love him?”

-

Whizzer heard the deep murmuring from the room and took a quick glance at the receptionist. She was pretty, chewing a piece of gum loudly with a cigarette between her fingers, reading one of the magazines they left out for the people who would wait. He scrunched his nose, knowing what he was about to do was wrong, and sidled up to the door, pressing his ear against it.

“Do you love him?” Whizzer’s stomach tightened as he heard the question, but he felt the gnarling knots intensify and twist deeper as he heard Marvin’s answer…

“Sorta kinda.”

“Oh shit.” Whizzer whispered to himself his face paling as he felt the blood rush away.

He needed to get out.

-

“Sorta kinda.” Marvin replied, the heat flushing to his cheeks, “But every time I mention it, he tells me I would never want to love him, or that I’ve never been in love or-“

“You’re spiralling.” Mendel interrupted. “Do you need him.”

“That’s the same thing.” Marvin replied, eyes drifting from the hanging green vines back down to Mendel’s chocolatey eyes, “Sorta kinda. He makes me smile and at dinner, he umm… he doesn’t understand some of the stuff I say, and I don’t know, but it makes me feel smart.”

“So it makes you feel normal?”

“Normal.” Marvin replied, nodding, a smile on his face as he enjoyed the sentiment of the word.

“Hm…” Mendel nodded back, voice high, scrawling it down quickly on his notepad. “Is he special?”

Marvin smiled sweetly, “He’s delightful.”

“And romantic?”

It was hard to think of romance when they hadn’t had a moment where they hadn’t been fighting.

“Yes, I think so, and spiteful, but… but I’m beginning to realise that, maybe, I am too, that maybe… maybe some of this was my fault.” Marvin replied, averting his eyes down to his hands, clicking his fingers as the loud cracks echoed through the room.

“Okay-“ Mendel said, leaning his body in so his legs were facing Marvin’s, “-just enjoy the good parts and separate them from the bad. compartmentalize” He suggested, putting his pen behind his ear, “Give me an example of something you love about him.”

Marvin’s raised eyebrow dropped as he made eye contact with Mendel. “I um…” he trailed off into oblivion.

“This shouldn’t be hard, speak from within.”

“Well… I think-“ he suddenly became decisive, “I like it in the mornings, there’s a moment where I feel like he’s mine, that we’re alone, that… that maybe he… loves me, or at least tolerates me.” Marvin smiled sweetly. “He has this smile when he’s just woken up, where his tired eyes crinkle and… and-“

“Okay, now a bad thing.” Mendel asked, prompting Marvin to continue.

Marvin scowled at the interruption, “He’s spiteful, and vicious and… and he doesn’t love me.” He found it easier listing the bad things, knowing he did it every time he went to sleep, or saw Whizzer, or remembered Whizzer wasn’t his. “The men he sleeps with are strangers, people who don’t even care about him and I don’t understand. I’m right here and… and I… I lov-“ He shook his head, “He’s sorta stylish.”

“I mean from what I saw earlier, kinda very.”

Marvin laughed, “Very very.” He spluttered, “Not sure how I even got him to be fair. He’s… um…”

“Kinda hard to describe?” Mendel asked, putting the words into Marvin’s mouth.

“Good god yes, that is _very_ true.” Marvin laughed slightly, “Every time I see him, there’s a new person. Sometimes innocent, sometimes angry, sometimes beautiful, sometimes so mean he’s ugly, sometimes an addict, sometimes… sometimes he’s me.” Marvin trailed off.

Whizzer brown in all of his glory, was him. Someone so very similar yet so frustratingly different in all of the ways Marvin wanted to change, that he hated him.

That he loved him.

“When he’s naked-“

Marvin’s head snapped around to Mendel “Yes?” he asked, caught off guard slightly by the sudden change in topic.

Mendel began to quick fire questions, not wanting Marvin to think about them too much,“Does he thrill you?”

“God yes!”

“Is he ‘vicious’!”

Marvin smirked, rubbing where the curve of his collar bone rounded to his shoulder, bruised from how hard Whizzer would claw into him, “Yes!”

“Would he kill you!”

Marvin blinked, narrowing for a millisecond, “Yes?” he replied, phrasing it like a question, “I think he’s sorta maybe kinda mean and cruel, but I can’t help but love him even for all the terrible stuff he does, even for the times he hurts me…” his words tumbled over one another as they spilled involuntarily from his mouth.

“Again Marvin, if you want this to work, separate him into the good and the bad.” Mendel gestured with his hands, “It’s a very common technique, used amongst Mormons mostly.” he added absentmindedly, removing his pen from his thick hair, and writing again into his notebook, “So he’s sometimes worthless.”

Marvin frowned, the lines etching firmly into his forehead, “Sometimes evil.”

Mendel wrote that down, a new insult he hadn’t heard before.

Mendel faced Marvin, “Sometimes smarmy.” Marvin’s head rotated as Mendel raised his eyebrows suggestively.

“What the fuck does that mean?” Marvin deadpanned.

-

“Hey what are you doing?!” The girl at the desk protested, finally looking up from her magazine. She quickly threw her cigarette into the ash tray on her desk, not bothering to stub it out and got up, approaching Whizzer with her arms outstretched, “Do want me to call Doctor Weisenbachfeld, because right now you’re breaking doctor patient confidentiality.”

Whizzer straightened up, putting a finger to his lips, not facing her “But they’re talking about me!” he protested.

“I’m sorry Mister-“ her accent was thin, high pitched and soft, no authority about it, “-but you’re not allowed to listen in.”

Whizzer’s eyes narrowed as he turned to face her, looking her up and down once, before a cattish smile crossed his face. “You have really beautiful eyes misses.”

She blushed slightly, “It’s miss actually.”

He took a couple of steps towards her, “Is it now?” He asked. He let his voice go quiet, he found being sweet helped him pick up women “You know, you would look gorgeous with a pale blue scarf, would really make your eyes stand out.”

Whizzer zoned out as she talked, staring deeply into her eyes as he concentrated on trying to hear the pair through the walls. The mumbles were mostly indistinguishable, but every now and again a subtle word could be heard.

“Sometimes smarmy?”

“Hey!” Whizzer protested as he heard the insult, interrupting the receptionist talking about something he was very disinterested in and the door suddenly opened.

“Ms fisher, please could you keep it down while I’m with a client!” Mendel exclaimed and the girls ears flushed a delicate pink. “Can you go get us some tea as well.” He added, “Might as well make yourself useful.”

“Sorry doctor.” She said, smiling apologetically as he entered his office again, she turned back to Whizzer “Maybe some time you could take me out for a drink?” She asked nervously, trailing a finger down his chest.

Whizzer caught her wrist, pulling the woman around in a circle so Marvin could see him through the gap in the door, he pulled her chin up into a kiss, his eyes open as he watched Marvin, a challenging look in his eyes as the door slowly swung closed.

Instantly she slapped at his hands that held her face, pulling away from him, a shocked look contorting her features into a sneer, her lipstick smearing slightly. “Sorry but no thank you,” Whizzer began, taking a small mirror from his pocket and wiped the lipstick that had been left on his mouth “The man in there is my lover, I’m a homosexual, but you are very pretty, even I can appreciate that”

She took a timid step back, her eyes large and hurt, before she became cold and slapped him round the face, “Prick.” She said quietly, strutting down the hall to make the tea.

Whizzer brought a hand up to his cheek. “Fuck.” He muttered under his breath, coming down suddenly from his high. He took the vial from his pocket again, before thinking against it, putting It back into his jacket and finding a seat, closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep.

It scared him how much he was becoming like Marvin, how manipulating innocent people was getting much easier, but how sleeping with others was getting harder.

-

“It’s Queer Mr Marvin-“ Marvin’s furious expression from seeing Whizzer kissing the woman suddenly became shocked as he met Mendel’s gaze. As he realised his mistake, Mendel suddenly jolted in embarrassment “Sorry, STRANGE Mr Marvin, your wife, no ex-wife-” as he said the words, he felt the hint of guilt, trying to detach himself ”-has some incredible qualities that I don’t think you ever mentioned-“ He flipped through his notebook to the recent meeting with Trina, the pages ripping in his anticipation as he suddenly stopped at her page, the hearts scrawled in a teenage manner by her name. He shifted in his chair as the whiff of her perfume went straight to his crotch, his ugly brown trousers tightening as he squirmed “Here-“ his voice wavered slightly, “She talked a lot about Jason, and I hope that maybe we can also discuss him sometime because there are a few more things that we need to… explore.” he mimed her breasts as Marvin looked away, taking off his green suit jacket, and folding it neatly. Maybe Whizzer was getting to him slightly.

“Good.”

“Good.” Mendel repeated, looking to Marvin, “Now you said Trina withheld love like your mother did.”

Marvin huffed, looking away “Yes, but you made that connection not me.” Marvin would always avoid discussing his family at almost all costs.

“Well that’s not exactly the truth.”

“Sorry?” Marvin replied, staring straight to Mendel.

“Well, I think she held back love on purpose, but only for you.”

“What?” Marvin asked, shocked at the revelation. “do you think that’s true?”

Mendel shrugged, a sympathetic look on his face, “Well she seemed warm. When I met Trina, she was vulnerable and seemed to want to accept any positive reaffirmation. More importantly, was she faithful?”

“Yes?” Marvin asked, a confused look on his face at the sudden change of topic.

“She _was_ faithful?” Mendel repeated, eyes large and serious as he looked to Marvin.

“Yes, but what-.”

“And you felt like…” Mendel made big gestures with his arms, “you needed to impress her to ‘get’ her?”

“Yes… more like to ‘keep’ her, but I didn’t impress her.” Marvin admitted quietly.

Suddenly Mendel dropped his notepad on the floor, eyes staring straight at Marvin. His voice became a low whisper as he focused on Marvin, “Did she sweat a lot?”

“Sorry?”

“Was she ruthless?”

“What?”

“Narcissistic?”

“Why are-“

“Forget about it, let me move on” Mendel smiled, picking up his notepad from the floor. He rifled through the pages as Marvin sat with an overwhelmed look on his face. “Ah…” Mendel stopped on a page, looking back up to Marvin. “Did she sleep nude?” he asked, poker faced.

“What the actual fuck does this have to do with my relationship with my son?” Marvin asked, his eyebrows raised so high they were lost in his hair.

“Well I just have lots of questions concerning your wife, _ex_ speaking of your ex-wife-“

“-Well that’s all we’ve been doing.” Marvin’s voice was smarmy as he pointed out the lack of actual psychiatric work they had done.

“-SPEAKING of your ex-wife-“ Mendel repeated, a slight trace of annoyance in his voice as he continued, “-She said you had seen me for years. Why did you lie to her?”

Marvin sighed, “It gave me a couple hours a week I could get away from Trina and Jason, gave me a bit of time so that I could spend it… out.”

“So you would meet men during the time you told your wife you were seeing a psychiatrist?” Mendel asked, writing something down in his notebook.

Marvin winced as he said men, “Yes.” he glanced down at his watch as he worried slightly about Whizzer.

Marvin looking at his own watch caused Mendel to stand up, pacing around his office to his desk where his clock stood. “Ah, so since our time’s almost up, what do you want to talk about today?”

Marvin stared at the man who had just used forty-five minutes of his time acting unprofessionally, “Oh, so now It’s my turn to speak?” he asked, the sarcasm soaking through his voice.

Mendel shrugged, tilting his head, “You can always talk to me.” He said, the blow flying completely over his head. He pulled up the brown coffee table, patting it and Marvin put up his feet, sinking into the chair.

The sharp rap on the door came as Marvin tried forming sentences in his mind, he didn’t really register the tea placed on the table by his feet, or the woman whispering something about ‘the man in the foyer being a sleazy asshat’ instead he thought of his son.

For the first time in a while.

Marvin felt bad forgetting about Jason, but his life was complicated at the moment. Trina not being there anymore and Whizzer being almost worse at everything than she was.

Except sex. But they couldn’t have sex if they had died of starvation.

She had been the one to force them to spend time together, pointing out an art exhibit at a local gallery.

The distance between them made them seem unrelated, each of them standing at one end of the enormous religious historical paintings. Marvin could always see his son stare at the painted or sculpted penis’s then back at him, his eyes wide and sort of scared as his nose crinkled.

Not sure how anything worked.

They decided maybe the museum wasn’t for them.

Then Trina suggested a baseball game, pointing out that Marvin needed to get to know some of the things that Jason liked to do, rather than being selfish. She told him, spitefully, that Whizzer had taken him to a ball game, maybe Marvin should try too.

He bought Jason a large bucket of popcorn and they sat in silence as they watched the game, not even cheering as whichever team Jason decided he wanted to support hit a ball.

Awkward as though they weren’t even related.

The only part Marvin enjoyed was the pitcher, he reminded him of Whizzer, broad shouldered and muscular in a relaxed way. He didn’t look like he broke his back to pump himself up.

“He hated it-“ Marvin had explained to Whizzer after Jason was finally in bed, exhausted from his outing, “-it was awful.”

“Of course he hated it silly.” Whizzer laughed, his voice light and silvery as he played with the bubbles in his bath, Marvin balancing precariously on the edge, “You’re not me. “ he punctuated his words with a gentle boop on Marvin’s nose, his wet finger causing Marvin to recoil.

He realised that maybe Whizzer was right.

Jason didn’t love him, something was clearly not right about their relationship, and he was struggling as he tried to find the answers.

But Marvin being Marvin had just got up, scoffing as he broke the only sweet moment they had been graced with in months and walked out of the bathroom, muttering about he was always the victim yet everyone else saw him as the root of their problems.

That whizzer should stay out of his relationship with his son.

Marvin was brought out of his daze as Mendel jumped up, checking the clock on his desk and smiled toothily, “Ah the end.” He said to Marvin, flipping his notepad shut and placing it down, “I presume I’ll see you next week?”

Marvin grunted as a ‘yes’ his mind still foggy from contemplating his relationship with Jason. He got up silently, putting on the Jacket and followed Mendel from the room, tired as he walked out. The fighting had finally caught up to him.

“Have a good week Marvin-“ Mendel announced as Marvin scoured the chairs for Whizzer. He was curled up in a small ball head leaning on one of arm rests as the small snores made Marvin’s heart flutter, “- And please remember-“ Suddenly Whizzer sat up right rubbing his eyes as he searched the room, the panicked look subsiding as he saw Marvin, but the relief instantly falling again as the ever-unreadable mask came back up, “-compartmentalize!” Mendel finished.

Marvin nodded, gently helping Whizzer up, and gestured to the door, walking side by side in silence as their finger’s brushed against each other.

As the door closed as they stood in the chilly air, Whizzer taking a sneaky glance at him.

“Compartmentalize is the biggest bullshit I think I have ever heard in my life.” he said, a smile that Marvin hadn’t seen in a while, breaking his face. Genuine and beautiful.

Marvin gasped, “Oh my god, I was thinking that the entire session, he’s utterly useless.”

“Yeah, he seems like a real mess for a psychiatrist.” Whizzer said, before a loose frown painted his face. They got into the car, this time Whizzer taking the passenger side.

He let his hand rest naturally on Marvin’s thigh, his fingers interlocking gently with Marvin’s, twisting together.

Fitting like a glove on top of Marvin’s as though they were made for one another.

A simple, but shocking gesture, the first time Marvin had ever held hands romantically with a man.

The first time Whizzer had ever held hands romantically with a man, a feeling he wouldn’t mind getting used to.

As their eyes met, they said everything they ever needed to say, every apology, every hope for an ‘I love you’, every beg for the other to say it first and suddenly they were good again.

Until their next fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WAIT I FORGOT TO SAY did anyone spot my in trousers references ;))) 
> 
> and when it says, "takes me in his arms and then lights another cigarette" I like think that he's lighting it for Marvin, idk


	6. My Father's a homo/ Everyone tells Jason to see a psychiatrist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I'm happy but also sad, because somehow this work has more reads than "I'll let you win" and I loved writing that one, but hey ho. 
> 
> ALSO I can now spell Psychiatrist 
> 
> and I'm going on holiday today so idk how long or far apart chapters will be.

Jason stood in the kitchen, watching his mother pour the thick murky coffee into a mug. The bad coffee, he noted, the bad mug too.

“Here-“ Trina said, pushing it across the counter to Jason, “-take this to your father.” She always spat his name as though he was a stain on her life.

He was.

Jason picked it up carefully, hands moulding around the boiling mug as he slowly walked through the hallway, eyes fixed firmly on his hands. He made his way to the living room, tiny droplets of the coffee dripping on the floor. Jason stopped as he entered the room, seeing his father hunched over his chess board.

Jason’s chess board.

There was a sudden anger in his eyes as he slammed down the mug in front of his father, not even caring as it splashed up, leaving a stain on the wooden table.

“Homo.” Jason spat, adopting the same tone his mother used.

Marvin suddenly looked up, a shocked look on his face. “What did you just call me?” He asked, his voice low and a whisper.

“I called you a homo.” Jason replied, so blasé and in such an unoffensive way, a throw away comment that Marvin couldn’t hear him anymore as his anger boiled. “That’s what the kids at school call me.”

Marvin’s anger suddenly washed away as his heart broke.

“Jason, you cannot call me that, it’s offensive.” He tried, quietly.

“Well the kids at school push me around and call me it because of _you._ ” Jason quarrelled; the hatred visible in his eyes causing Marvin’s temper to snap.

“I have done nothing wrong you little-“ he cut himself off, trying to calm down, “-Jason there is nothing wrong with being gay.”

Jason stomped his feet on the floor, “No! There is something wrong, you broke up our family!” He yelled, pointing his finger accusingly at Marvin, “ The boys at school say that I’m going to become a homo and I did some research-“ Marvin’s eyebrows scrunched. His ten-year-old son, not so innocent anymore.“-it’s in your DNA, and that means it’s in mine! This means I’m going to be a homo like you! This is all your fault!”

Jason was angry, no he was furious. His father had wrecked his life, his pathetic, homosexual father.

Suddenly Trina entered the room, holding Jason’s coat in her arms, “Jason, get ready, we need to get going.”

Marvin turned around to face Trina, “did you tell the other mothers at school?” He asked her, his face still shocked.

“no, it was the nosy Applebaum’s, heard about it at the synagogue.” Trina replied, “Jason come here.”

“Jason stay-“ Marvin said, his face beginning to go a bright red, “-they’re alienating my son!”

“For god’s sake Marvin, you did that yourself!” Trina snapped back at him, “Jason, here.” She yelled as though he was a dog.

“How? Everything I do is for this family!” Marvin snapped suddenly; his voice raised into a scream.

Trina scoffed loudly, “How selfless of you!” she yelled sarcastically, “Everything that has gone wrong with my life has been to do with you. Our marriage, every single breakdown I’ve ever had-“ as Jason came up to her, she clapped her hands over his ears, “Jason!” she whisper yelled. She let go of his head and he covered his own ears, screaming as he ran from the room.

Angry, stuck in the middle but ignored. They didn’t even stop arguing as he ran up the stairs to his bedroom. Jason screamed into his pillow and breathed angrily, dropping to his knees as he rooted under his bed, pulling out a travel chess set. He held it to his chest as he ran down the stairs again, pulling on his coat. Everything was chaotic around him as he ran back into the living room.

He felt as though he were trapped in the middle.

He stopped in the doorway, watching how close his parents were, how his Mother was shaking, and his father was a bright red.

“Stop it. Stop!” he yelled, “Daddy you’re a prick,” he saw the smug smile on Trina’s face, “But Mother, you’re no wife either. We need to go.” Jason scoffed, why did he always end up being the grownup, the only sane person in the house, except Whizzer, he liked Whizzer. He was sad he didn’t live with him anymore and didn’t see him as often.

Both Marvin and Trina were taken aback, they stood for a moment in silence, before Trina sighed, getting her yellow cardigan, tears pricking in her eyes.

She shut the door behind them as they stood in the driveway, Marvin locking it as she waved to her neighbour, “Hello Mrs Applebaum” she said, “Yes yes, I see you.” She muttered under her breath as she waved, a fake smile on her face. In the window the woman went to grab a cake pointing at it with a bright smile and her thumbs up, “Oh lovely, glad you enjoyed the banana carrot surprise you _yenta bitch_.” She muttered under her breath, the fake smile becoming slightly demonic.

“Come on.” Marvin said through gritted teeth, shooting the woman a wave. The prying eyes on the block, ready to see him make a mistake.

“Why are we still doing this?” Trina sighed quietly as she got into Marvin’s brown family car.

Ironic.

He got it in the divorce considering she didn’t know how to drive.

Ironic.

Marvin followed, “Because _I_ spent a lot of money on this and we still need to seem… normal.” He replied, rubbing his eyes as he got into the car, pulling out of Trina’s drive.

The only sound was the clicking of chess pieces on the board, Jason quickly playing one side before turning around the board and moving another piece.

The travel set balanced precariously on his knees in the centre back seat.

The travel set. Not permanent, hopefully like his position of being forgotten in the middle.

“Jason honey-“ Trina began, turning her body to look at him, “-next week I want you to maybe go out and play, okay? Maybe you could call some of your friends?” she asked.

Jason didn’t reply, instead he just turned the board again, taking a quick move.

She sighed, turning to Marvin, pleading for him to help her with her eyes. He just ignored her, taking a brief glance in the windscreen mirror at Jason.

“Well, I heard they were starting a little league at the Jewish centre, you like baseball right?” She tried again.

Jason stopped mid move and looked up at her, the most disgusted look on his face. Not that anyone cared, but Jason hated baseball, except when it meant he could spend more time with Whizzer.

“Sweetheart, I worry about you, I really do, I worry a lot, a lot, a lot.” Trina finished the sentence with a bright smile, too bright, one that contradicted her words. Jason looked back down to his board, beginning to play the game again. Trina turned to Marvin, “He likes playing chess alone-“ she hissed to her ex-husband “-that’s not normal!”

“What is normal?” Jason piped up from the back seat, staring at his mother with a challenge in his eyes, spiteful.

He looked too much like his father, she thought to herself, had the same habits, the same temper, and it made her want to hate him. Her own child, how screwed up was that.

“I- I don’t know.” She sighed. “Darling, we’ve been thinking…”

“No we haven’t” Marvin muttered under his breath.

Trina stared at him, a stone cold look on her face, back to their old ways. She turned back around, “Darling, please see a psychiatrist. Doctor Mendel Weisenbachfeld is a lovely man and I’m sure he can help you! I’m not saying you’re messed up; I mean Marvin and I both see him and look at us!” She winced to herself as she said it.

Lie. Both of them were neurotic.

Jason could tell, the look on his face becoming darker and darker as he let out cold laugh.

Trina exhaled and continued, “I think you just need a little help getting out of your shell, learning how to communicate with people, and I can see you have lots of questions about your father and I’s … divorce. Daddy’s sincere, but a foolish jerk and you need to trust yourself on that one-“

“-Alienating him again.” Marvin warned.

“I am not alienating him; he thinks you’re a _schmo!_ And you are!” Trina hissed back.

“ _You_ cannot tell me what he thinks!”

“NO.” Jason interjected, “I don’t need to go to a stupid therapist, I don’t want to talk to anyone, and I don’t care!” He scowled at the back of his father’s head then moved another chess piece, playing the game again.

Trina nodded, turning back to the road, her eyes filling with tears as she exhaled sharply. She looked to Marvin, the tears rolling gently down her cheeks and he just rolled his eyes, muttering a prayer to god before he looked into the windscreen mirror.

“Urm Jason, I think this is a… good idea. He’s just a person, he’s not scary-“ Marvin scoffed internally, Mendel was even less manly than his extremely camp boyfriend, “I’ll pay, I’ll get you whatever you want kid, just go to the psychiatrist.”

Trina slapped his arm, “You cannot bribe him to love you!”

Marvin narrowed his eyes, the almost permanent scowl deepening, “Why not, worked for you.” He scoffed, “And Whizzer.”

Trina inhaled deeply, “Jason, don’t listen to your father, but please, let us take you.”

“Please see a psychiatrist!” Marvin repeated.

“No!” Jason yelled, his voice cracking with his anger.

“Your father may be egotistical and think he’s a genius, but you…”

“I’m not going!” Jason slammed his hands over his ears, a singsong melody going through the car.

“Mendel knows all the answers! I admire him, he understands you…”

Suddenly Marvin mocked him, beginning to laugh manically as Trina cowered in her chair, “Please see a psychiatrist.” He sounded childish and condescending as he spat out the words.

“NO!”

The car quietened all of a sudden and Trina wiped her eyes, going to open the glove box. The cool metal handle felt wrong beneath her fingertips, different and she pulled it open.

First came the scent of cologne, causing her to cough.

Whizzer’s cologne.

“What are you doing?” Marvin asked spitefully.

“Where’s my makeup.” Trina replied, hands rooting through the compartment, pushing sunglasses, cigarettes and gum wrappers out of the way. She stopped when she reached the back, her hand faltering as she brought out the box, feeling sick to her stomach. She opened it, and almost gagged. “Here?” she asked, displaying a used condom so that it was hidden from Jason.

“My car.” Marvin muttered.

It was actually from one of the initial times he and Whizzer had sex, old, nine or ten months or so, he wasn’t sure how it hadn’t disintegrated, he had completely forgotten about it.

_Whizzer pulled off his condom, watching Marvin throw his out of the open window._

_“You know that’s bad for the environment.” Whizzer said. “there are new studies saying the world will end by twenty twenty, a hole in the atmosphere or something.” He brought the empty box out of his coat pocket, dropping the condom inside, putting it in the glove compartment._

_“Are you insane! My wife will see it.” Marvin exclaimed, slapping Whizzer’s hand gently._

_Whizzer smiled, taking Marvin’s chin in his hand, “That’s part of the game.” He teased, he leant in delicately kissing Marvin on the lips, his hands moved down gently, scrunching them into Marvin’s shirt, the rough fabric somehow comforting._

_He would never usually kiss the men he slept with, too personal, but this man… this man was lost and for a closeted practical virgin, wasn’t the worst he had had._

_That was Marvin’s first ever kiss with a man, and it made him hungry._

_“Hey! Flavoured lip gloss!” Whizzer exclaimed, grabbing it from out of the compartment. He circled it around his lips, making a kissing motion, then pulled Marvin in again._

_He liked the kiss. Made him feel like he was being like a human for a change, not a sex toy._

_“How do I taste now?” he giggled, pulling away._

_Marvin’s nose scrunched, “Like my wife.”_

She threw the box back into the glove compartment, disgusted and pulled out the small tube of mascara and a pale lip gloss, both almost used up. “He’s been using my makeup.” She said pointedly to Marvin, suddenly a scared look crossed her face. “Jesus Christ Marvin, are you forcing him?”

She couldn’t help but care, even if he was the man who stole her role.

Marvin didn’t reply, instead he just pulled in to the car park, finding the spot closest to the building and parking.

 _Okay_ , Trina thought to herself, _perfection_.

She smiled the same way she had for years, the façade that she had kept up, coming back naturally to her. They all got out of the car, Jason scratching as the sweater Trina’s mother had knitted him made him feel disgusting and itchy. They both trailed behind Marvin, entering the white studio as Marvin signed them in.

The man led them to the box, arranging the pair around Jason as they bickered under their breaths. The photographer set up the light boxes and backgrounds, plain white and simple, and then he told them to relax as he took the photos.

Crack

_“Hi.”_

_The Man looked up to Marvin from his camera. “Hi. I saw you watching me.”_

Crack

_Marvin’s hand found its way behind his neck, “God, was It that obvious?”_

_The man stood up, “Of course it was.” He laughed, a laugh Marvin hoped to remember forever, light and silvery. He looked over Marvin’s shoulder, “I think your family’s waiting” the man said, causing Marvin to turn, gesturing for them to leave, a moody scowl on Trina’s face, her son clinging to her hip._

Crack

_“I’d like to see you for a drink sometime, or maybe call?” Marvin spluttered out, his face turning a beet red out of embarrassment._

_The man laughed again, “I’d like that.” He said softly, reaching into his breast pocket and pulling out a business card._

Crack

_His finger’s lingered on it after it was in Marvin’s grasp, teasing it slightly away, “Promise you’ll call?” he asked, their fingers touching for the briefest moment, sparks running through Marvin’s body, making him shiver._

_He wrote it off as lack of contact from Trina._

_Marvin’s eyes met Whizzer’s “Of course.” He said._

_He flounced off and Marvin stared at the card. Whizzer Brown. Photographer._

Crack

“Marvin!-“ Marvin’s face flashed around to see Trina on the block next to him. “You’re the one who wants to do this, so do what the photographer says and smile.” She hissed through gritted teeth.

With each photo their façade cracked a little more, the appearance falling apart chunk by chunk. They were all glad when it was over, and they could go back to the car where Marvin felt like he didn’t have to tolerate the fragile, pathetic woman who looked as though she was constantly about to cry, and Trina like she didn’t have to touch her ex-husband places whizzer had been.

Every hand on his shoulder, sickening her to her core.

Every lean on his arm, somewhere Whizzer had grabbed before her.

Every mark she pretended not to see, made by _him_.

As they walked out, Marvin paused by the door, turning his head.

Crack

_Marvin heard the sound of another photograph being taken, and turned, looking back at Whizzer Brown._

_“Just for me.” He smiled, a subtle wink as the polaroid printed from the camera, fanning himself with it as he waited for it to develop. “Call me, stranger and you may get it back.” He teased, watching Marvin as he followed his wife out to where she waited in the car, a giddy smile on his face._

Crack

_That mint shirt. That stupid mint shirt that brought out the green flecks in his hazel eyes._

_That mint shirt._ _That stupid mint shirt that was a size too small, moulding to his abs as he contorted to take photographs._

_That mint shirt. That stupid mint shirt that showed the briefest whisper of his chest hair._

Crack

The gravel crunching beneath their feet was the only noise present in the air as the family with the huge gape in the middle got into the car. The clicks on the chess board began, again and again and again.

Marvin and Trina took a single look at the other, sharing a small nod.

“Jason?” Marvin started, his voice gentle and relaxed. Different to usual. “I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier-“ Jason looked up from his chess board, he wasn’t used to an apology from his father. “Please, please will you go?”

There was a sincerity in his eyes that Jason despised, something he had never seen before.

His father could change into anyone, manipulate anyone, become anyone.

Except a good father.

“No?” Jason whispered, a guilty smile on his face. His parents faced each other, sighing deeply as Marvin slammed his foot on the gas, driving away from the studio.

From the place all their troubles began.

“Jason,” Trina adopted a gentle tone, “Please see a psychiatrist.”

“I won’t talk to him.” Jason protested, resetting his chess board.

“Look, he’s very intelligent and kind and smart!” Trina said, her eyes wide and welcoming.

Jason slammed the board down onto the the seat next to him. “If intelligence was the only criteria, I don’t think I’d need a psychiatrist, would I?” he asked, the arrogance as clear as day in his voice.

Trina closed her eyes, the pained look on her face as she heard Marvin in his words, “No.” she admitted reluctantly.

He turned triumphantly to his father, “Would I?” he repeated.

A tiny smile crossed Marvin’s face as he stared at his son in the mirror, “Nope.” He stated proudly.

There was a content silence in the car for a moment and Jason picked up his chess board, putting it back on his lap, “Just because you failed as parents.” He muttered quietly to the pieces on the board, a wicked smile on his face as his Mother suddenly gasped loudly.

She turned herself to Marvin, ice queen again, “He is going to the psychiatrist.” She said, wielding her clutch in Jason’s direction.

“I don’t-“

“He needs a psychiatrist.” Marvin agreed, his face going a bright angry red.

“I want-“

His parents suddenly spoke in unison, “A psychiatrist?”

Jason suddenly lost his temper, “NO! I want you to stop interrupting me, and I want…” his voice dropped down to his normal speaking level, a condescending sweetness in his voice as he tilted his head in an innocent manner, “I want to ask what Whizzer thinks.”

“Who- w…why?” Marvin asked quietly, his eyes opening wide as he thought he had misheard his son.

“Whizzer.” Jason confirmed, “He’s the only sane one.”

“Whizzer?” Marvin repeated, slowly pulling in to Trina’s drive and staring at her, shaking his head.

Jason smiled, “Yes, Whizzer.”

Trina was on the verge of tears, covering her mouth as she tried to hold back her sobs, “Whizzer?” she whispered. She turned to Marvin, pleading quietly, “No, you can’t let him, I can’t be in the same room as the man who… who turned you gay!” her words tumbled out of her mouth in her fear and her head shook profoundly.

A smile was trapped on Jason’s face at the frustration of his parents. “Whizzer.” He jumped out of the car as his parent’s just stared at each other.

“I don’t think I can do that.” Trina cried, trying to hide her face from the world.

“We don’t have a choice!” Marvin exploded, his lashing temper causing Trina to flinch as though his words were as sharp as a whip. He exhaled heavily, “we don’t have a choice.” He repeated, his voice dropping to a whisper.

-

Marvin opened the door, a tired look on his face.

Whizzer’s expectant, yet confused look made him want to kill himself. Too bright, too bubbly, too perfect.

“why did it take so long to get here Whizzer.” He asked, the perfect smile still on his face the exact opposite of the warning tone in his voice, as he looked out to the street behind him.

Whizzer closed his eyes, inhaling softly before smiling again, “I was out.” He replied.

Marvin pointed straight down the hallway and Whizzer’s eyebrows knitted together, waving graciously as he passed Trina, skulking in the shadows.

Her wave turned into a middle finger and he stumbled slightly in his surprise. At the end of the hall, he stood, slicking back his hair as he looked in the dirty mirror. A layer of dust had settled on almost all of the surfaces, and Whizzer’s eyebrows furrowed.

He had noticed Trina’s tiny habits when they were locked at home together, and it scared him.

He could see her even though she didn’t know it. He could see her when she tried to hide away.

He was her, afraid to stay but even more afraid to leave, afraid of Marvin’s abusive tendencies, but needing the comfort net.

“Whizzer!”

He turned to see Jason, sitting in front of his chess set, swivelling in his chair so he could see Whizzer.

“Hey kiddo.” Whizzer said, a smile breaking his face. He walked over to the small block like chair, kneeling down as he reached Jason’s height, “Your Dad said you wanted to talk to me.”

Jason looked down at Whizzer, then up to his Father.

Marvin nodded, gesturing to Whizzer.

Jason turned around to look to his Mother.

Trina looked like she was about to cry, quickly wiping her eyes as she saw him staring and shrugged.

Jason turned back to Whizzer, nodding his head in time to Whizzer’s as he spoke, “Whizzer, do you think I should see a psychiatrist?” he asked.

Whizzer snorted, disguising it as a sneeze. He smiled genuinely to Jason, “Look Jason, I’m not sure I should be the one-“

“Please.” Jason pleaded, his brown eyes large and innocent. Whizzer closed his eyes, shaking his head and suddenly the smile was back.

“I’m not sure, Jason.” He answered honestly. To him Jason seemed like a normal child, in fact he found him much less messed up than what a usual child in his position would be.

Marvin flicked the back of Whizzer’s head hard, a steely look coming over his face as he swivelled around to watch Marvin.

 _‘What’_ Marvin asked silently, an innocence in his eyes.

 _‘Don’t you fucking dare, or I swear to god I will hurt you.’_ Whizzer raised his eyebrow; his cheekbones were sharper than the silence in the air.

He turned back around, getting the hint reluctantly, “Jason, maybe so.”

Trina coughed mildly under her breath, catching Whizzer’s attention as she nodded. Jason turned to look at her and she suddenly hunched over again, wiping her tears.

Whizzer sighed, “Absolutely Jason.”

He felt bad about lying to the child, but what else could he do, he was responsible for this. No, he scolded himself, Marvin was responsible for this. Marvin would have found someone eventually, _Marvin_ broke up his own family, not him.

He smiled brightly up to Jason, who had narrowed his eyes suspiciously, looking to his parents.

“Fine-“ Jason said in the long silence that followed, “-I’ll go-”

Whizzer stood up, ruffling Jason’s hair, “He’ll go.” He said proudly, smiling to Trina.

“I’ll go.”

“He’ll go?” Trina smiled genuinely to Whizzer, whispering ‘thank you’ under her breath.

Jason watched their interaction, a scowl building on his face, “But only if he comes here.” He contradicted.

Marvin stood up, closing the distance between him and Trina, “He’s going to come _here?_ ” he asked, voice low.

Whizzer suddenly became protective of Trina, an instinct telling him to block Marvin from her like he had done so many times before. _“Use me as a punching bag Marvin, but never her-“_ he had told him once when he lay in Marvin’s arms, _“I’m scared for her.”_ For which Marvin just scoffed. He hadn’t recognised how slim she had become when they lived together, how fragile and birdlike her bones had become, how she looked like she had given up. But Whizzer had.

“He might come here.” Trina suggested, looking to Whizzer for help. A bright smile crossed over his face as he stared to Marvin, nodding innocently.

Marvin’s permanent scowl turned into a look of disgust. “They don’t make house calls, what are they, doctors-“ He scoffed, mimicking her.

He took a step forward and Whizzer’s face fell, planting his hand firmly on Marvin’s chest, “M’okay _Marv.”_

_Redirect his anger. Never let him take it out on Trina. Let him punish you, god knows you would do it to yourself anyway._

That was when the alarm began to beep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is this had better come to a stop and I love that song so much, it's so powerful.


	7. This had better come to a stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo and Guten Tag
> 
> I hope that if you celebrate Christmas you had a fabulous time. 
> 
> anyways, this song is one of my fave songs in falsettos, bop of the century. it's kinda difficult to write tho because they're all in different places and all that jazz so you need to find a way of getting them all together. 
> 
> so, if I don't see you before the first, happy new year. And try and find the Hedwig and the angry inch and in trousers references ;)

_Beep beep_

_Beep beep_

_beep beep_

_Beep--_

Whizzer’s eyes widened suddenly, staring to Trina, a terrified look on his face. She shared a sympathetic grimace with him, stepping out of the room and scurried to the kitchen.

The dinner time habit hadn’t been broken yet.

A flourish of steam caused her to take a step back as she opened the oven, she reached in, her oven gloves reaching around the glass dish and she quickly took it out, wincing as it burned her through the gloves. She placed it down onto a tea towel on the kitchen counter.

The Shepard’s pie looked pathetic, burnt on the top.

Falling apart like everything else around her.

She sighed, throwing down the oven gloves and went back to the living room, trying to get Jason to eat some food. She had noticed how little he was eating recently.

“What do you mean you didn’t have time.”

“I’m sorry Marvin, I was out and I-“

Trina hid in the shadows as she heard Whizzer’s voice, low and apologetic. She slunk around the corner, watching him crack his knuckles nervously, checking his watch every other moment.

Marvin’s face was contorted angrily, and for once, Whizzer looked afraid, no, terrified. 

“Marvin-“ Whizzer started, his foot tapping fast on the floor. “I-I didn’t mean-“

“I-I” Marvin mocked, suddenly his hand was on Whizzer’s sleeve, pulling him along like a child. He stormed out of the room, Trina falling back into the shadows as she watched, Whizzer not even getting a chance to say goodbye as Marvin’s grip just got tighter. Whizzer dragged his heels trying to pull his arm away, stumbling in Marvin’s grasp.

He yelped in pain as Marvin slammed him against the wall and suddenly Marvin’s face was in his, “Get in the car.”

“But-“

“Get in the car!” Marvin yelled, and suddenly Whizzer stood up straight, towering over the much shorter man with a look of distain on his face.

“Get out of my face.” Whizzer said softly, an angry glint in his eye. “I’m warning you Marvin.“

“Or what!” Marvin yelled, the spit from his shouts causing Whizzer to recoil, his head banging against the wall. “What will you do Whizzer, your threats are so empty and meaningless, and I don’t trust you, not at-“

“OR I’LL FUCKING LEAVE.”

Marvin’s threat, never Whizzer’s, but when Whizzer said it, the possibility was real.

Whizzer’s voice rang through the house, the anger caused Trina’s eyes to enlarge, the soft light from the living room caressing her face as she watched the cloud that was always above Marvin’s head, become a stormy grey.

From the crack in the hinge, Jason also watched, afraid to be spotted.

Trina had never heard Whizzer get angry like this, he would only ever throw witty remarks back, every now and again an odd cuss involved, pretending he wasn’t fazed by the abuse he was thrown.

She gasped, smacking a hand over her mouth as she watched Marvin shove him hard, a small, strangled scream falling accidentally from Whizzer’s lips as he fell to the floor, scuttling away from Marvin like a mouse from a cat.

Afraid of him, terrified of him. But suddenly his face hardened as he refused Marvin the satisfaction of seeing him in pain.

Marvin sucked in a tight breath. “Get in the car.” He spat, bending down to drag Whizzer out of the door, Whizzer protesting as he tried to stand up, sounds of pain falling out of his mouth in flurries.

For the briefest moment, he saw Trina’s backlit figure in the doorway, a terrified look on her face. He swallowed his pain, ‘ _it’s fine_ ’ he thought to himself, somehow managing to pull himself to his feet by the skirting boards, ‘ _redirect his anger. Let him hurt you, god knows you’d do it to yourself anyway_.’ He was forced into the car in silence, ‘ _don’t create a scene or it’ll hurt more’_

Whizzer sat, his eyes following Marvin as he went around the car, but averted his gaze as he got in.

_Let him be the alpha._

Marvin looked icily to him, before turning back to the steering wheel. His breath was heavy, a soft whistle making it through his rounded lips every now and again, and suddenly he let out a hellish scream, Whizzer recoiling into the corner as Marvin began to slam his fists into the steering wheel. Over and over again he hit it, his knuckles bruising and bleeding as they sliced against the metal symbol on the wheel, but still he kept going, his scream turning into maniacal giggles and laughs, chilling Whizzer to the bone.

Giddy, his body jolting from side to side, snapping as though his bones weren’t intact. Like a seizure.

Then he stopped, blood dripping down the wheel and onto his pants as he drove, much faster than he was meant to.

“You’re meant to be home, you’re meant to be making dinner, six pm on the dot.” Whizzer winced as he said it, knowing what Marvin was doing, always wanting him home to stay away from other partners.

To isolate him.

Whizzer sucked in a sharp breath, “But I-“

“Ready for us to fuck, set to screw, set to the dot.” Marvin interrupted. “This is how It goes. I don’t ask for anything else!” He slammed on the breaks at a stop sign, turning to Whizzer, condescending as he added, “That’s what pretty boys do, _submit,_ please me, be the fucking toy you like to be. Fuck!” he yelled, speeding up again.

Whizzer suddenly got scared as the needle on the dashboard jittered higher and further than it had before, and for once, pulled his seatbelt over his body, shaking in fear.

“All you should do is check your hairline, stay home, make the dinner and love me! That’s all that pretty boys are meant to do!” he exclaimed. His frustration and insecurities about Whizzer’s refusal to love him causing him to lash out.

Whizzer’s hand flew to his forehead, smoothing his hair down further as Marvin commented on his appearance, eye’s open wide.

“Look, what are we even doing here Whizzer! All we do is fight and have sex, this… this _little thing_ we have isn’t going to last.” Whizzer opened his mouth, ready to object, but Marvin spoke over him again, assuming he was going to apologise. “Don’t blame yourself Whizzer, it’s already over.”

“I _don’t_ blame myself!” Whizzer tried to fit in, his words muffled by Marvin’s anger.

Marvin sighed loudly as he pulled into the turning lane, the venom clear in his voice as he turned back to Whizzer, “This could be wonderful, isn’t it so fucking wonderful?” he yelled sarcastically. His face was as red as the blood still running from his knuckles.

“Ye-“

“Your behaviour needs to stop Whizzer. Now, or I’ll leave.” Although the threat had been used time and time again, a kicked puppy expression fell over Whizzer’s face, before his face hardened again.

Marvin pulled the car over to the side of the road in a gravelly lay by, quickly pulling his chair back into a laying position and Whizzer’s eyebrows knitted together. “Why are we stopping here—”

“Pants off.”

“What?”

Marvin leant over to Whizzer, grabbing the fabric that clung to his figure, trying to kiss his neck, “Bend over.” Marvin suddenly became aggressive, tugging on Whizzer’s hair, nails clawing into his scalp. Everything too rough, everything too much like the others, everything feeling wrong.

“Stop.” Whizzer interjected, pushing Marvin away as he moved down to his shirt, “I said stop god damnit!” He shouted, slapping at Marvin’s hands hard, a singular elbow to his midriff until he finally let go, “I am not just your toy, I am not just a _pretty boy_. I’m a fucking person.”

Whizzer pushed the car door open, leaving the warmth of the car.

“Where are you going?” Marvin yelled after him, his voice as sharp as the bitter wind that encompassed him. “fine, don’t answer, I don’t fucking care about you anyway!” he lied.

Whizzer couldn’t see anything as his eyes filled with tears, _it’s the rain_ he blamed, looking to the sky, _it’s just the wind_ he thought, covering his eyes from the bitter storm that he knew was brewing. _You didn’t think this through Whizzer, like everything else in your fucking life, why don’t you just stay, let him fuck you, let him leave you, let yourself cry when he’s out._ “No!” he suddenly yelled out loud, “I- oh fuck you Marvin.“ he ran.

“Oh, go blow a load then cry about it you fucking pussy, because that hurt me so fucking much. Can’t take it feeling real for a moment. Jesus Christ, you’re not even that good of a fuck anymore, I don’t even care that you’re off to whore yourself out. Hope they pay you more than I do.”

Whizzer didn’t look back as the insults he had heard so many times by so many different people were hurled at him, instead he became cold and emotionless like every other time before that.

-

“Trina, you know this isn’t-“ the scratchy static of the telephone in the kitchen was unwelcome as she sank to the floor, a bottle of wine balanced precariously between her legs.

“I’ll pay extra. Just, please.” She sounded urgent as she whispered down the phone, not wanting her son to hear.

A sigh came from the other end of the line, “Mrs Feldman, I won’t force you to pay extra. as your psychiatrist, I want to make sure you are not a threat to yourself. What did you call about?” Mendel asked.

“I was the one who made our marriage fail, not Marvin, not Whizzer. I- my life has no worth anymore, what am I doing even living it?” she asked, the crocodile tears falling down her face. “I tried to do everything for him, I tried to cook, I tried to clean—” she shook slightly as she reached for the bottle, taking a swig from it, “-I loved him with everything I had, and now- and now I see him treating Whizzer the way he used to treat me, and I feel so bad, it’s my fault, it’s my fault, It’s my fault.” As she repeated it, her voice broke and she began to cry for real.

Her head fell against the wall, banging it against it each time she thought of the sound Whizzer made when he fell...

Every time she heard those words, _“Or I’ll fucking leave_ ” repeated day in day out by Marvin, but never once by Whizzer.

Until today.

“I can’t- I need to stop feeling bad for Whizzer. This has better come to a stop.”

She forgot she was actually speaking, and when Mendel spoke, she jolted into reality. “Look Trina, there is no need for you to feel like this is your fault! Your relationship was formed of many interconnected dysfunctional factors, don’t feel responsible.”

“But who is responsible?” She couldn’t keep her feelings in anymore, couldn’t stay complicit and quiet.

There was a silence at the other end of the line, leaving Trina’s question rhetorical. “Look I’m grateful that this is over Trina, and you should be too. Keep smiling, push your feelings down and I can help you mend-“

Suddenly there was a sharp rap on the door, and Trina leant forward, staring with confusion down the hall, phone pressed to her breast. She brought it back up to her ear, “I’m sorry Mr Mendel, but someone’s here, I really must go.”

“Please Trina, call me Mendel.” He said, and Trina’s heart spiked as he said her name, staggering up to her feet.

Not cruelly like Marvin did, not mother, not ex-wife, not the fake way whizzer would say it, just her name. Suddenly she became apologetic as she realised what was happening, “I’m sorry I called so late, your wife must be angry and-“

“Oh, I’m not married.” There was a second of silence between the pair, and then a second, much quieter knock fell on the door.

“MOM THE DOOR!” Jason yelled from somewhere upstairs.

“Yes I’m coming.” Trina shouted back harshly. “I’m sorry Mr Men… Mendel, I look forward to our next session.” She said gently, “Thank you for helping me.” Trina put the phone back on the hook feeling almost exactly the same as before, hurt and lonely but with the tiniest bit of faith, and the tiniest hint of a sparkle in her stomach that she hadn’t felt for a long time. She walked out of the kitchen, using the walls as a way to balance as she staggered along the ugly brown room to the front door. Still trapped, no matter if Marvin was here or just in her mind.

As soon as she opened it, her heart fell, and she instantly sobered up. “Whizze-“

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know where else to go and I-“ his voice seemed to be cracking to the point where he was almost in tears, a mess for once. “I know it’s late- I know you hate me and-“

Trina quickly took his hand, leading him gently inside to the kitchen, “You’re bleeding.” She said quietly, wetting a dish cloth.

Gentle, kind, not cold or self-pitying like Marvin had always told him. He would whisper snide remarks to Whizzer in the evenings, tell him what Trina had ‘said’ during the day.

_She called you a man whore, she said you’re a lazy son of a bitch. You should poison her son against her, tell him his mother’s a bitch._

Marvin tried keeping them apart as he knew how much power they held together.

Whizzer looked down, his pale shirt stained with blood, and suddenly he clawed at it as he saw it, “No, no, no-“ His eyes opened wide and he ran a hand through his hair urgently, feeling it out of place, “This isn’t mine.”

Trina froze, “Did you… did you do this to mar-“

“God no, he he-“ suddenly his voice was cracking again as Trina came back to him, beginning to hyperventilate, cupping a hand over his mouth as everything became too painful.

“Whizzer!” Jason exclaimed from the doorway, happy to see him twice in one day.

“Bedroom now.” Trina ordered, and he silently obeyed, head bowing with an angry grimace on his face. “Whizzer, you need to calm down.” She said, taking his face gently in her hands, and wiped it softly with the wet cloth, the congealed blood coming off easily.

“He-“ Whizzer’s breaths slowed, “He started screaming and banging the steering wheel, then he began to laugh and I- I-“ his voice became panicked again.

Trina began to stroke his hair, pulling her hand back as the sticky red substance laced her fingers, “Shh...” She whispered, trying to calm him down.

“He pulled the car over and wanted… he wanted-“ he cut himself off, knowing how much it hurt Trina to discuss her ex-husbands sex life, “And I didn’t want… it, and he got rough and I- I just ran.”

Trina’s stomach turned, this man in front of her, taking the brunt of her ex-husbands anger, pretending he wasn’t fazed when he obviously was.

Pretending he liked to goad him into a fight, maybe even pretending he liked the sex.

She sat opposite him in silence, watching him gently calm down, his pain and fear turning into anger. “Was it being late for dinner?” she asked quietly, hurt knowing that she had shared that experience with him.

“That and everything else I do.” Whizzer scoffed, he looked up at her, seeing the empathy in her eyes and knew he didn’t deserve it. “I cheat on him.” He said quietly, guiltily. “And in the beginning, I didn’t mind, but now… now it’s getting harder and I don’t know why.” He let out a dark chuckle.

Trina’s eyes widened, “You cheat?” she whispered. She wasn’t as sympathetic anymore. 

“You should try it sometime.” Whizzer said, a painful grimace on his face. “What did you think I was doing when I went out?”

“I didn’t—I always heard Marvin’s accusations but I didn’t… didn’t want to believe them.” Trina explained, going to the stove and grabbing a pot, filling it with water from the tap. “I suppose he deserves it.” She added, more to herself than Whizzer.

Her eyes closed as she remembered the way she felt when she first realised there was someone else. The late nights, Marvin showering as soon as he got home, the way he would get skittish whenever she would touch him. The way she felt like an idiot, the way the glass shattered to the floor with her heart when she saw them… the way it all pieced together.

Whizzer chuckled darkly, “Well if that’s what he deserves then I’m sure going to have hell rain down on me one day.” He joked.

Trina smiled to herself, getting a matchbook from on top of the cupboard, reaching on tiptoes to grab it. She stumbled backwards before trying again, her mind swirling at the thought of her ex going through the same pain he put her through.

“Here.” From his stained pocket, Whizzer produced a gold plated lighter, handing it carefully to Trina.

She smiled graciously, lighting the stove, and was about to give it back, until she noticed the tiny engraving on the side. “Michael?” she asked, “Who’s Michael?” Whizzer didn’t respond, snatching it back as he lightly traced the lettering with his thumb.

_“Michael I got you a-“  
_

_“Mother I told you, it’s Whizzer now. New city, new me.” He exclaimed, wheeling his suitcases to the side of the greyhound bus._

_The woman sighed, turning her smile into a disapproving frown “I don’t know why you chose Whizzer; it sounds like a name for a common whore.”_

_“I chose it because it’s different” Whizzer smiled passive aggressively, handing the driver a couple of bills as he loaded the baggage under the bus._

_“Yes, but do you really have to be different? Michael’s normal, Michael is your father’s name.”_

_"Was, and My father cheated on you. Do you really want your son’s name reminding you of that every time you say it?” Whizzer asked, he sighed suddenly, realising this was the last time he’d see her for a while, “Ma, please relax, I’ll come visit you soon, I promise.”_

_“Mi- Whizzer, I got you a gift for graduating.” His mother said, and cautiously she reached into her bag, handing Whizzer a tiny wrapped box._

_He carefully undid the bows, tearing the wrapping paper methodically. He lifted the lid and smiled as he saw it. A gold lighter. “Ma, this must’ve cost a fortune.” He said, taking it out of the box. He turned it over and saw the inscription, tracing his thumb over the indents._

_'Michael, I’m so glad you made it out of this wicked little town’_

_He threw his arms around her, the tears forming in his eyes, “Bring home a nice girl Whizzer.” She whispered into his ear._

_He pulled apart, kissing her cheek, cringing internally “I’ll try mother.”_

The crack of the knocker on the door broke Whizzer out of his daze, staring at Trina with a terrified look on his face. He jumped up, running to the door, not wanting Trina to get any of the second-hand backlash. She followed him down the hall as the knock came again, the door opening before Whizzer had a chance to reach it.

“Whizzer, I’m so fucking glad I found you.” Marvin exclaimed, hands clutching Whizzer’s face as he pulled him into a kiss, Whizzer not reciprocating it, standing stoically still as though it were a chore. Trina’s face hardened and she looked away, wiping the tears that came on cue.

Whizzer pulled away, taking Marvin’s wrists and removed them from his face harshly, “Stop.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop doing that thing where you pretend to care.” He said icily. “Please leave.” His voice was so cold a sudden chill ran rampage through the room

“No! I do care, you ran out of there-“

“Stop trying to manipulate me!” Whizzer countered, fists clenching by his legs, his thumbs grazing his thighs, “You think you’re so intelligent and rich, yet your masculinity is as fragile as a glass swan. You can be submissive and still be a man, you can be kind and still be a man, you can be gay and still be a man! Stop forcing me to be Trina, stop forcing me to make you dinner every fucking night…and- and stop forcing me to put out for you when I don’t feel like it!” He yelled, clenching his fists tighter as he stood tall and strong.

“I _am_ intelligent, I’m not that rich, but hell I’m smart.” Marvin interjected, completely ignoring most of what Whizzer said. “You like being used, isn’t that what you said the night we had those drinks huh?”

Whizzer opened his mouth to argue “You are such a narcissist.” The small voice came from behind him, and he turned, Trina’s eyes stormy, threatening a hurricane, “You’re more rich than smart and you’re the only one who can’t see it.” She scoffed.

“Which would you prefer I lust for Marvin-“ Whizzer asked sarcastically. “Brains or money.”

”I don’t care as long as it’s me!” Marvin’s voice suddenly went quiet, his eyes softening into the colour of sea glass, pale and glowing in the soft hallway lighting. Sincere. “Love me.”

Whizzer’s mouth went dry as he realised where Marvin was looking. Not at him like usual, but behind him at Trina. The tiny knot in his stomach, the one that filled with butterflies and made him happy whenever he saw Marvin in the morning suddenly burst into swarms of wasps as he realised that Marvin would always prioritise Trina over him. That he would prefer a heteronormative relationship to what he had begged Whizzer for over and over again.

That he would prefer to seem normal than admit to being in love with a man.

“No” Trina said harshly, but Whizzer’s tongue suddenly felt too big in his mouth to reply, his eye contact with Marvin dropping to his feet.

“Love me, please.” Marvin pleaded, turning now to Whizzer. A single tear rolled down his cheek, unseen to Marvin as he quickly wiped it away, refusing to answer. “Fine,” Marvin smiled gently “break my heart.” All sound stopped around him as the only ever vulnerable thing Marvin had ever said shattered Whizzer’s heart. “Break it like you break everything else.” He repeated more forcefully, instantly becoming the manipulative person, demanding their love and then blaming them for the damage he had done.

“Jesus Christ.” Whizzer muttered under his breath, “This is- this is so—”

“Smart.” Trina said softly, Whizzer’s head snapping around for a moment as they made eye contact, exasperated as they recognised the position the other had been in.

“And manipulative.”

“This is all so smart-“ Marvin jeered, mocking the pair as his defences came up again. “And you!” he snapped, pointing to Trina, “Ever since you’ve started seeing Mendel you’ve changed, you blame everything on me! I’m fed up with your mind games!”

“My mind games! How about your mind games?” Trina asked, throwing her arms outwards, “You asked me to love you then blamed everything wrong with you on me.”

“Fuck me, I’m done with the nagging and the blame. This needs to stop right now-“

“-Or you’ll do what?” Trina asked, “Leave?” her eyes widened, gesturing sarcastically. “You’ve left me and Jason once, do it again, you… you asshole! I dare you.” she screamed “I did EVERYTHING for you, I quit my job, I cooked and cleaned for you, I looked after our son when you were off, sleeping with men.” She spat the word venomously, “And still you divorced me you bastard!” she pushed past Whizzer, her finger jabbing into Marvin’s chest and for the first time, she felt real power, “Not everything revolves around you Marvin and I’m tired of playing the role you assigned me, I’m fed up with being a pawn in your game.”

“Why is it always us who have to change to accommodate you?” Whizzer asked, taking a step forward as Marvin’s back pressed against the door.

Marvin rolled his eyes, “This is boring.” He stated, trying to push past Trina, but Whizzer stopped him.

“You can’t just walk away if everything isn’t how you like it.” Whizzer spat, angry at how childish and stubborn Marvin was. “You have a temper that redefines temper!” He jeered, and suddenly Marvin saw the monster inside Whizzer that he had held back for so long, the ugly creature with its greed and infidelity preparing to rip Marvin in half. He shuddered, feeling the cold wood of the door inching up his back and as Whizzer moved to attack, saw his own reflection in the mirror at the end of the hall.

Someone so unrecognisable he was forced to do a double take as it moved with him, staring back at him. His own monster, the jealousy and anger everyone around him saw yet he didn’t believe existed.

“This needs to stop Marvin! This, this, ALL OF THIS!”

Marvin turned, opening the door, trying to leave, but Whizzer was quick to jump around him, “Get out of my way.” He shouted, the miserable drizzle from the clouds turning into a stormy mess of rain, causing Whizzer’s thin shirt to stick to his chest.

“This had better come to an end Marvin!” Trina yelled, putting her hand hard on his chest and pushed him out of the door, blocking him as he tried to get back in, her hands digging into the doorframe. 

“Bend over Marvin.” Whizzer said sarcastically, circling him like a vulture, “Isn’t that what you told me to do? Maybe _you_ should bend over for _me_.”

Marvin looked from Whizzer to Trina, his jaw clenching angrily, “This needs to change.” He yelled, pushing past Whizzer, running to the car, trying to dance through the raindrops, but Whizzer was faster, darting into the car.

“This had better come to an end.” He yelled triumphantly, pulling his body into the car as he slammed the door on Marvin, quickly reversing out of Trina’s driveway.

Trina had a sympathetic grimace on her face, watching Marvin curse into the bitter night, running to catch up with the car. He stopped, out of breath, bent over his knees, his hair shaggy like a dog’s, heart pounding, stabbing pain in his throat. Her eyebrows knitted together anxiously, watching as Marvin turned back around to face her, shivering from the cold.

“Please.” He whispered, approaching her cautiously, his shivers emphasised as he tried to play for her sympathy, “Please _Trina._ ”

_Trina._

Not Woman, not Bitch, not Jason’s Mother, but her real name. She didn’t get the fuzzy feeling in her heart when he said it anymore, her heart didn’t flutter as though it was trying to escape or get warm and tingly in her chest. Instead she felt all of the regret and pain he had caused her to become trapped in her throat, dry and scratchy, hateful.

He trudged up the porch steps, staring at Trina, pleading for shelter with his eyes. her face, with the crocodile tears streaming down it, suddenly hardened, turning stone cold, the tears stopping. “This had better come to an end.” She said firmly, slamming the door in his face, a tired smile, turning bigger and brighter as she sunk down to the floor, finally feeling powerful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also, all of your comments literally make my day, so thank you so much :)


	8. I'm breaking down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how this is on 400 reads, she'll never know. 
> 
> This is kinda long, I'm an idiot you see, I like writing flashbacks. a lot. 
> 
> you know you love me, xoxo Gossip Girl. 
> 
> also this whole chapter is both very in and out of character for Trina, all of that on purpose, you see mental breakdowns aren't exactly f u n 
> 
> anyways, happy new year, and go follow my Tumblr

[MY TUMBLR](graciethekay2.tumblr.com)

I’m breaking down

Trina wiped her eyes, the pressure causing her to see bright colours and patterns before she took a deep breath, hands falling to the counter. She flicked through the cook book in front of her, clicking her tongue as the pages fluttered open onto the page with the only recipe she’d ever cooked from the book. 

Banana carrot surprise, not so much of a surprise anymore, in fact the surprise would be making it to the end without sobbing into the batter.

She sighed, folding the spine back so it would stay open and propped it up onto the stand that Jason had bought her for her birthday, or rather, Marvin had bought her. _Dick._ She traced her finger over the list of ingredients.

_Carrots_

She went to the fridge, grabbing one of the bags filled with them, placing them back down onto the plastic chopping board, covering the scrapes from where it had come in contact with her sharp knife after a particularly trying day.

_Bananas_

Leaning over, she plucked two off of the bunch in the fruit bowl, tearing them apart. She held them for a moment, just staring at them. Picturing her husband, her _ex-_ husband going down on whizzer fucking brown. She shivered, dropping them onto the board and rinsed her hands quickly, shaking them dry as she leant over to read from the book again.

_Butter, eggs, sugar_

Trina went back to the fridge, opening it. _Imagine being a princess_ she thought to herself _imagine having all that power, but none of the responsibility._ “God, what I wouldn’t give to be like princess Margaret.” She said aloud, “I mean she’s gorgeous, she lives in a palace, has no responsibilities, drinks all day and she’s married to a… “ her eyebrows knitted together, “To a gay photographer.”

From the kitchen table Jason looked up from his chess set, “Are you talking to me mother?” he asked.

She faked a smile, “No, love.” She replied, forgetting what she was meant to be getting out of the fridge. Maybe she could marry again, this time to someone who wants her. The bar was set suspiciously low considering the only man she had been with, had only slept with her a couple of times a year, all she needed was a man who would sleep with her at least a handful more times than that, was that so much to ask for? And to be loved, was that honestly too much? “Well, boys will be boys.” She muttered under her breath; excusing Marvin like she had so many times before.

“Mom? Are you… talking to yourself?” Jason asked, looking up again, “If you keep doing it then I’ll go to my bedroom. You’re distracting me and I’m _trying_ to learn a new play.” He gestured to the book he was holding open against the table with his other hand.

“Sorry sweetheart.” She said, ever so slightly snappy in her tone. She picked out the ingredients she needed, putting them down on the counter and read the recipe. She let out an exaggerated moan of boredom and turned around, bending over as she twisted the small knobs on the oven. Three hundred- and fifty-six-degrees Fahrenheit, that would be enough to kill her, she morbidly joked to herself, maybe make her home explode even more than it already had.

It’s funny when you think about it, really funny.

Walking in on her husband balls deep in a mans ass.

_"Honey?” Trina yelled through the house, her voice slightly confused, “There’s a man here to see you… I’m sorry sweetie, what’s your name?” She asked._

_The man turned, exposing half his chest, a cigarette held in his fingers in a way she found odd, as though it was a prop. He pulled his sunglasses up onto the top of his hair, slicked back, wet and perfect, it was a midnight black, so black it was almost blue, and he was young. Very young, the slightest trace of acne still gracing his jawline. He was attractive, very, not handsome and rugged like her husband, but more feminine. Pretty, in fact he was prettier than any woman she had ever met. Trina had never met someone feminine like this before, never met a man who looked proud to be feminine._

_Who wears sunglasses at night? There was something off about him, something very off._

_“Whizzer.” He said, an uncomfortable look on his face, avoiding her eye contact._

_“Um… a man who calls himself Whizzer-“ she yelled back through the house, and suddenly she heard her husband scramble up in the den, “-I’m sorry, have we met before?” she asked quietly._

_“No.” he replied, not even looking at her. Too fast as though he were hiding something._

_She smiled politely, but beneath the surface, every part of her was on edge. Her smile too long, the curves too narrow. “Well you just… I’m sorry if this sounds odd, but you smell awfully familiar.”_

_Whizzer shifted on the doorstep, dropping the cigarette to the floor as Marvin came up behind her, grinding his heel into it, “Ralph Lauren polo.” He said shrugging, making eye contact with her for the first time “ It’s a popular cologne.” In his eyes, there was a look of sadness, slight regret, a pain that Trina could recognise in herself, but not understand._

_“And it’s goddamn expensive too.” Marvin muttered behind her._

_Trina turned, “Sorry?” she asked, an innocent look on her face, positive she heard incorrectly._

_He kissed her cheek, “Nothing. Mr Brown, let’s have a little drive.” She had noticed the way he would recoil after touching her. Noticed the way Whizzer’s eye brow had quirked, and a funny smile had come across his face when he watched the affection. She just didn’t know what it meant._

_“Where are you going Marv?” she asked as Marvin jostled past her, his hand grabbing Whizzer’s wrist, fingers digging in deep as an amused smiled drifted onto Whizzer’s face._

_"Mr Brown is a client, I need to take him to the office, go over some paperwork.”_

_Not the way he would treat a client. He treated this man more like…_

_Trina’s jaw tightened, “Oh. Isn’t it a bit late?” She asked, watching the men get into the car. She was ignored. “It was lovely meeting you-“ she called out. Whizzer just shrugged running his fingers through his hair, product collecting in his fingers._

_like Trina._

_There was something about the way he walked, or rather strutted, something about the way his hair was perfectly sculpted, something about him and his good sense of fashion that made her feel uneasy._

“MOM, you’re doing it again, muttering to yourself.”

“Oh fuck off-“ She clapped a hand over her mouth as she turned to see Jason, a giggle on his face. “If I ever hear you say that word, I will slap you around the head.” She warned, watching him turn back around and internally stabbed herself over and over again.

The first time she had sworn in years, and it felt freeing in a way she couldn’t afford.

Deep calming breaths, the moist kitchen cloth on her face. Reset. Relax.

“Whoo.” She let out a breath of air, tapping on the cook book, the paragraphs merging into one.

What it would feel like to be loved, she couldn’t even remember what Marvin was like in the beginning. He was sweet, but there were the occasional comments, everything a time ridden haze. Twelve years of marriage and for what, for a child who had all of his bad qualities and every time she saw him, the image of her _ex_ burning into her mind _._

She opened the drawer, getting out a carrot peeler and began to peel the carrots.

What did she get after being perfect for twelve years? Nothing, the doting wife gets nothing and after doing everything right, only got accustomed to the sense of betrayal. _He_ got a new relationship, with sex and games and no worries of an unwanted child, the cheating bastard, she got nothing, even less than what she had to begin with. Her crown for being perfect would never be a sturdy one, it would always be a makeshift one after she begged the men to give it to her to at least feel slightly better about her troubles. _Marvin would probably steal it anyway_ , she thought, a funny smile on her face, _well it’s too bad. A Queen and a Queen never end up together anyway._

“SHIT!” she exclaimed, dropping the carrot she was holding as the peeler sliced into her hand, quickly bleeding onto the chopping board. “Fuck fuck fuck, fuck me Jesus.” She hopped around the kitchen in pain, and Jason rolled his eyes so hard she could see the whites of them as he picked up his things running to his room, the faint sounds of his feet echoing through the halls.

“Ugh.” She growled, applying pressure to her thumb with her dishcloth. “He’s his father, please lord let him grow out of it.” She said to herself, “He’s an idiot!” suddenly she clapped a hand over her mouth as she realised what she said, “No, no I can’t say that! I’m meant to see him as perfect, maybe there’s something wrong with me? I hate my own fucking son!” And instantly, she was back to blaming herself for everything wrong. She wiped her face, the tears coming back to her eyes, “No, what did Mr Mendel say, he said it wasn’t my fault… dear god I’m going insane, I’m talking to myself!” She laughed at herself, the laughs becoming unstoppable and suddenly she snapped out of it, the tears falling down her face again. “I’m not going to cry-“ she whispered into the tea towel she used to wipe up the bit of blood off of the counter, “-That’s what Marvin did.”

She straightened up, looking at her reflection in the metal mixing bowl, the wobbly image of the woman she didn’t even recognise anymore, and the flood gates opened again, remembering every time Marvin would fake the tears to manipulate her. Her anxiety and depression were easy monsters to coax out the tears, but for Marvin, it was the dishonesty.

She only realised, once she had met Whizzer, that Marvin’s lies to her, and pretending that she was the one he loved were the only reason he was able to fake them.

The way he performed their marriage as though it were one of the stupid plays he had told her he did in high school. And where they both could cry on cue, Trina’s tears were a genuine consequence to his betrayal, not an act she put on for sympathy.

She shook her head, wiping her eyes, “Nope, not going to cry over spilt milk.” She said to herself, she took a banana in her hand, daintily chopping off the tip, “Just the tip, my fucking ass.” She scoffed, suddenly seeing red, and she narrowly missed her fingers as her knife came down hard on the chopping board. “ _Just the tip Trina-“_ she mocked, mimicking Marvin, “ _I promise I won’t put any more in._ ” she suddenly stabbed the tip of the knife into the plastic board, watching how it stuck up at a ninety-degree angle amongst the chunks of banana, “We wouldn’t be in this mess if you had only put the tip in.”

She quickly crossed the room, opening the shelves containing her booze and grabbed the bottle of wine she had opened several weeks ago, the last time she saw Marvin and Whizzer, not even contemplating getting a glass as she just began pouring it into her mouth. She stopped, wondering what she was doing, and held the bottle up in a sort of toast, “To Marvin fucking Feldman, may the man I married rest in peace.” She took another sip.

She didn’t know who he was any more, maybe Marvin, the sweet Marvin who held her arm as they walked together through the park, had never existed. Even scarier, she didn’t even know who she was anymore, she used to be a housewife, and although not happy, served a purpose. Now she was just the woman that the wives at the synagogue would look at with pity, who would bitch about her when they thought she was out of ear shot.

She slammed the bottle back on the table, chopping her second banana as she imagined Whizzer’s penis, not that it was difficult when she had seen it and was now constantly burnt into her mind.

It’s funny when you think about it, really funny.

Walking in on her husband balls deep in a man’s ass.

_“Whizzer?” Trina looked behind him out of the door, “What are you doing here, we weren’t meant to be home, didn’t Marvin tell you?”_

_This time his scent had changed, but it was still so familiar, something about it making her want to throw up. Mocking her._

_“Mr Feldman invited me.” He shrugged, peering into the dark hallway. He had dark bruises running down his neck, and he kept scratching at them when he felt Trina’s hot stare on him. For someone so incredibly confident, he seemed very on edge. “He said something about dinner-“_

_“Mr Brown, I tried calling you.” Suddenly her husband was behind her, startling Trina somewhat. “We need to reschedule.”_

_Whizzer’s jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed, “I’m sorry sir, I must’ve left the house already.”_

_Too formal. As if they were over compensating._

_Marvin shook his head, ”You weren’t really home were you.”_

_“Why the fuck would you care.” There was a second of intense eye contact between the pair, Trina feeling very out of place in the middle._

_“Whizzer, I’m sure you could stay for dinner.” She said, smiling gently. She turned to see her husband’s jaw clench tight, a look of pure anger on his face. “Right Marvie?” she added, a sharp edge in her tone as he shifted from foot to foot, a sharp jab of her elbow into his ribs._

_Whizzer looked from Trina’s bright expression to Marvin’s stormy one, a smirk tracing his lips, “I think I could make that work Mrs Feldman.”_

_She smiled brightly; it wasn’t often that she met new people._

_“Call me Trina.” She shook her head as she realised he was still standing on the porch, “I’m sorry, how rude, please come in.” Whizzer followed her into the house, and she heard Marvin hissing something to him._

_Certain words broke through her innocence, “You said she wouldn’t be here, the kid as well.” The stranger known as whizzer’s voice stood out._

_“That’s why I tried calling. You need to make up an excuse, leave.” Low whispers disguised as the rustling of coats being hung on hooks._

_“No. This is much more fun.” Trina’s head whipped around as they stopped in the kitchen, and she saw the way Marvin’s hand had found its way onto Whizzer’s bicep, fingernails leaving crescent shaped marks into it. They stared at her like deer caught in headlights, Trina not really sure why._

_“Marv, will you get out some glasses please.” She directed, quickly turning back to the stove as she served up the plates, “Jason!” she called, not turning around until she heard a slap. It startled her, not sure where it came from._

_“I’ll get them Mrs Feldman.” Whizzer replied, his cheeks flushed and a nauseous look on his face. She leant against the sink, watching him pull open a cupboard and take out three wine glasses and a single plastic cup, walking across the room and reaching up to get out a bottle of red wine. He placed them all down on the counter, looking up to see Trina and Marvin staring at him. “What?” he asked, looking down at the glasses, his eyes widening as he realised what had happened, how there wasn’t an explanation for how he just found everything on the first try, “I’m good at guessing.” He explained, a guilty smile on his face._

Trina growled as she peeled the banana chunks, throwing them into the metal bowl. She couldn’t hate him. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t do it. When Whizzer had come to her, almost crying as he recounted Marvin’s abuse, it just made her hurt more, made her like him more.

She had never seen him like that, only ever carefree, young. Happy all the time, so happy when she would walk in with Jason wrapped around her leg to see Whizzer giggling, straddling Marvin on the sofa, or the kitchen counter… or any wall. The messy kisses she watched through the cracks in the doors, the way Whizzer would cling onto Marvin whenever she dropped Jason off with them, the way he would rest his chin on Marvin’s shoulder, the way he would leave Hickey’s on Marvin’s neck, the way he would drop not so subtle hints about the sex they had already had that morning.

They had everything she had always wanted, but even she was beginning to see the cracks in their picture-perfect life.

Trina shivered suddenly, trying to get rid of the image from her mind. It was a wonder she had only walked in on them once. She rummaged in the drawer beneath the counter, getting out a potato masher and smashed it into the bowl with the banana’s, getting progressively more and more aggressive. “It’s a nightmare, it’s a fucking nightmare all of this.” She said to herself, dropping the masher down, massaging her temples. Her fingers began digging into the flesh, “I hope Whizzer fucking… stops being able to fuck him.” She said to herself, “I hope he finds someone better than Marvin.” 

She began to aggressively peel the carrots again, holding a limp one and laughed manically, screeching laughter that sounded like a witch. She dropped it and grabbed the bottle, swirling a mouthful of wine in her mouth, _can wine go off?_ She asked herself, slamming it back down again. _The bottle was slammed down into the centre of the table by Trina, looking from Whizzer to Marvin to her son. “So Whizzer… what do you do for a living?” she asked, using the salad forks to serve salad into everybody’s bowl, “Eat it.” She said, seeing the look of disgust on Jason’s face._

_“I was a photographer.” He replied, waiting for Trina to sit down before he could start, watching Marvin already shovelling the food into his mouth._

_“can you play chess?” Jason asked, before seeing the monstrous look on his mother’s face._

_“Was?” She asked, taking a seat, her face stone cold as she watched Marvin’s disgusting habits._

_Whizzer smiled without his eyes, “yes I can and I’m unemployed at the moment” He took a quick sip of his wine, before starting his meal, “Oh, this is really nice Trina.”_

_She noted how little he actually ate._

_Jason’s ears pricked up, “who taught you?” he asked._

_Whizzer made a funny face, but it was so fast Trina thought she mistook it as a glance towards her husband, “Michael.” Marvin stopped shovelling food into his mouth to turn his head towards Whizzer._

_“who’s Michael?”_

_“my father.”_

_“What happened… with your job, I mean?” Trina butted in, a sympathetic look on her face, ignoring the compliment about the food._

_“Ha, it’s actually a funny story, isn’t it Marv.” Whizzer replied, turning to Marvin, a genuine smile on his face. It dropped as soon as he saw Marvin’s stone-cold glare._

_Marv. Going from Mr Feldman to Marv in five minutes. The secretive glances, the steals of unnecessary skin contact, acting almost like…_

_“Marvin.” He spat, a mouthful of food, spraying slightly over his bowl._

_like a couple._

_“Um… well-“ Whizzer realised what he was saying and shook his head. “- Ha, I got in trouble because my boss walked in on me… screwing the delivery boy in the dark room.” He decided it probably wasn’t the best story to tell at the dinner table to his lovers wife and child a little too late._

_Jason, looked up from pushing his meal around his bowl. “what’s the dark room?”_

_Whizzer smiled to the child. Too young to have been corrupted, he must only be eight or nine. “it’s where the photographs are processed. It’s dark and only has red lighting so you don’t expose the film to too much light.” He replied, watching how the cogs in Jason’s brain started to whirl._

_Trina’s eyes opened incredibly wide as she stared at Whizzer, her cutlery clattering down onto her bowl. “So you’re a… a homo?” she asked._

_Whizzer shrugged, a perfect smile building on his face. A proud smile._

_“What are you doing with my husband?” she asked, a stone-cold look on her face. The smile froze on his face, and suddenly Marvin stopped shovelling food into his mouth, there was an awkward silence in the room that even Jason sensed, staring at the pair. The air was sharper than the knife in Trina’s grasp, midway through a matzo ball. Why did it have to be a ball, whizzer thought, wincing, “Why do you need a lawyer?” Trina added, sensing the confusion._

_A sigh of relief echoed through the room._

“Oh god, there is something so wrong with me.” Trina uttered to herself as she broke out of her trance, hugging her tea towel like a baby and she sank down the cabinet, crying. The house was an emblem, a reminder of Marvin’s abuse, maybe he was right, maybe she should have left him the house. “Fuck! I need pills, I need something, I need sleep. Not that sleep will make anything better.” She cried to herself, breathing heavily as she pressed her back against the splintering wood. She reached up fumbling for the bottle of wine and downed the rest of it.

She struggled to her feet, just throwing random ingredients into the bowl with the smashed bananas and peeled carrots until it was sort of resembling a cake batter, and poured it into a tin, smacking the bottom down onto the top of the oven before she shoved it inside. She took a quick breath in to try and relax and set the oven timer, falling to the floor. _Whizzer helped Trina clean up after dinner every time he came over, he was sweet, he was nice, but he always had that guilty look on his face each time she would catch his stare._

_No one breaks your heart more than you do by overthinking one little thing._

_“Whizzer, honey, are you alright? You look a little queasy?” Trina had grown fond of the man, he made her happy, if only for a moment, and was a distraction from the knowledge of her husband cheating. She was certain now, the signs were as plain as day, but she just didn’t know what to do about it._

_“Yeah, I’ve just… I’m feeling a little guilty for something I’ve done, been doing, someone I’ve been doing._

_Trina almost dropped the plate she was scrubbing in surprise, “But you’re so unapologetic!”_

_Whizzer let out a bitter laugh, “Thank you.” He said, a small, welcome smile lighting up his face, “I just… they’re not who I expected them to be, and they’re married, and I feel a bit crappy.”_

_Trina passed him the plate to dry, “My mother once told me that sometimes people pretend you’re the bad person, so they don’t feel guilty for the things they did to you. I think you’re being better than that by accepti-”_

_“Whizzer, come with me.” Marvin directed as he entered the kitchen, interrupting Trina._

_Trina turned from the sink to face him, “Marvin, the house is a mess! Where are you taking him?”_

_“The den. Please don’t disturb us, we have some… some business to attend to.”_

_“I think your house is wonderful, Trina.” Whizzer said quietly. He put down the dishcloth and the dish he was drying on the side of the counter, sighing heavily before following Marvin reluctantly into the hall, Trina able to hear their low voices as they trudged up the stairs._

_She was about to turn back to the sink, when her eyes caught on the beer Marvin had left on the counter. “Marvie, you left your-“ She sighed, the crap that lined his den walls made it almost impossible to hear anything from it. A blessing and a curse._

_She finished the dishes up and wiped the surfaces._

_She went to the fridge, getting out a second beer for Whizzer, her husband was selfish like that, only ever thought about himself._

_Then she trudged down the narrow corridor._

_Before tragedy or moments that change people’s lives, they say they feel something, different. They say there’s a bitter edge, a surrealness about their normal routines. In truth, you can’t tell, that’s why it hurts even more when the moment happens._

_She moved as though she were a robot, repeating motions that she had done time and time again._

_In one hand she held the two beer bottles, she stooped down, picking up her husband’s tie in the other, confused to see it strewn on the stairs._

_“Jason honey, bedtime.” She called out, Jason quickly by her side, a gleaming smile on his face. “And why are you so excited?” she asked, ruffling his hair with the hand she held the tie in._

_“Whizzer. He said next time he’s over he’d play chess with me!” Jason exclaimed, the smile stretching even further than she thought was possible. Happy. For once._

_Trina laughed gently, “That’s wonderful Jason.” She said, stopping outside of the den, “Now, go brush your teeth.”_

_Jason jumped along the hall and she smiled, tired eyes crinkling. ‘maybe things are looking up.’ She thought to herself. Gently, she knocked on the door to the den._

_Her hand fell to an open palm as her forehead furrowed, the permanent frown lines deepening. No reply. She pressed her ear against it._

_Vibrations through the door._

_The slightest sounds of grunting._

_She sighed, reaching for the doorknob, and opened it._

_Her heart dropped along with the beers in her hand._

_"Mother, we need more toothpa-“ she slammed her hand over her sons eyes._

_Her Husband and Whizzer fucking Brown on the floor of the den surrounded by chess pieces._

_Whizzer’s head thrown back as he straddled her husband, a gasp on his face, his eyes rolling back in his head. His shirt wide open, exposing the bitemarks all down his chest, his trousers collecting around his ankles, his ass stuck on her husband’s dick, hands clinging to his shirt._

_And the semi guilty look on her husband’s face as he saw her._

_Not really sorry._

_Trina blinked several times, looking down at her bloody hands and the shards of glass on the floor. “I’m-“ her throat was dry, she couldn’t form any words, “I’m- I” Marvin shoved Whizzer off of him, buttoning his trousers. Entirely clothed already compared to the almost naked Whizzer. “I-“ Degrading. Trina’s voice was a soft whisper, unable to tear her gaze away from Whizzer, “I’m going to get a dustpan.” She finally managed to force out, her eyes fluttering closed, not wanting to see anymore._

_Whizzer brushed past her as he ran from the room, his shirt bundled close to his chest._

_Marvin followed, his elbow shoving into Trina, knocking the air from her lungs._

_Not even caring that he was caught._

_His scent trailed in his wake and she realised how she had recognised it on Whizzer before they’d even met. Because that was how her husband would smell when he came home from Fucking him. Because that was how her husband would smell before he would instantly take a shower to get rid of it. Because that was how her car would smell, that was how Marvin’s clothes would smell, that was how her bedroom and living room and kitchen would smell._

_That was how the man who was her husbands mistress would smell._

_She gagged, dodging down the hallway and just made it to the toilet, throwing up in it before she slowly sank down into a tiny ball, leaning against the ceramic toilet bowl. Broken, the front door slamming closed in the distance._

_Suddenly everything felt surreal, suddenly her head was underwater._

The beeping of the timer caused Trina to bolt upright, the drool collecting on her cheek making her feel sticky and uncomfortable. She must’ve dozed off. She awoke with a snort, disorientated, and rubbed her eyes several times before she realised what she was doing, jumping up and taking out the banana carrot surprise from the oven.

She rubbed the sleep from her eyes, and wrapped the cake in aluminium foil, burning herself on the tin. She didn’t care anymore, she could barely feel it anyway.

Quietly, she gathered Jason’s things. The chess set, his backpack, piling the cake on top.

“Jason.” She called, and quickly he came down, an overnight bag in his arms, “Ready to go?” she asked.

They took a taxi through the city, stopping at the tall narrow building. She’d never been there before, they usually picked Jason up.

She paid the driver with the little cash she had in her purse, before cautiously stepping out onto the curb, holding Jason tight.

The door was open, and she walked straight in, checking the note she had written on her wrist.

_4 th floor_

The stairs creaked, and the walls were dark, growing mould on the, what she presumed to originally be, paisley yellow walls. Tears came to her eyes as she realised this was where her husband was staying, her _ex_ -husband, and where her son would be sleeping for the night.

“Mom, are you okay?” Jason asked, as her sobs became slightly louder.

“I’m fine honey.” She managed to get out, in between the hoarse inhales for breath. She tried composing herself, but she knew the mascara was making her eyes dark and splotchy, she knew that she looked as though she had been crying, she knew she looked sick and that the physical signs of her mentally ill state were beginning to manifest. Quietly, she rapped twice on the peeling wood at the top of the stairs.

Giggles and shushes could be heard through the door, scrambling noises.

Suddenly the door opened, Whizzer’s bright smile dropping. “Fuck.” He said, staring from Trina to Jason. He tried blocking the gap in the door, putting an arm up to the top of the doorframe, moving his hips to block Jason’s view.

Trina swallowed, trying to force a smile onto her face.

Trying not to stare at his bare chest, trying not to stare at what was under the small, thin towel wrapped around his waist, trying not to stare at his perfectly smooth legs, his muscular calves, the v shaped lines on his abdomen.

Trying not to stare at what she could never be.

“I um… Marvin?” She asked, forcing her eyes up to his face.

Whizzer closed the door, pulling himself out onto the rough carpeted floor of the hallway, “He’s out.” He said quietly. “How did you get in?” he asked.

“street door wasn’t closed.”

“Shit.”

“Lang-“ she cut herself off.

They stood in awkward silence for a moment.

“this is…” Trina trailed off as she glanced up at the smoke detector hanging by uncovered wires, “ _something_.”

Whizzer just frowned, his forehead creasing, dangerously “it was all I could afford… then Marvin started paying for half, and now- I don’t know how it happened, but it’s like it’s not even mine anymore. He’s paying for all of it.” There was a regret in his eyes as though he knew everything was too messy and intertwined.

Then the silence again. Not sure how to continue the conversation.

“Oh, here.” Trina handed Whizzer Jason’s backpack, and he stared awkwardly at it. “Did you forget he was coming?” she asked, covering Jason’s ears.

She seemed much ‘vaguer’ than usual, easily distracted, sad.

“No, I was just… have you been day drinking?—" suddenly Whizzer stumbled backwards as the door he was leaning on opened.

A man stood in the doorway, staring at the trio, “Oh shit, is this your wife?” he asked.

Trina goggled at him, and Whizzer just rolled his eyes, plucking the cigarette from the man’s mouth. He leant in, and bit the mans ear, singing softly into it, “Call me.” As he pulled back, the man pulled on his towel, kissing him coarse and brash, Whizzer’s shocked hands daintily moving to the back of the man’s neck, juxtaposing the fire in the kiss, tracing stars in his skin with his fingertips. Trina watched, her jaw falling open.

What she wanted.

Fire, passion, fireworks, pain, lust, someone who wanted her but couldn’t really ever have her.

The man smacked Whizzer’s ass, squeezing past Trina and Jason as he left.

Jason didn’t miss the couple of bills slipped into the space between Whizzer’s waist and the towel.

“Sorry. “ Whizzer apologised as the dizzy feeling disappeared with his smile, “Jason, why don’t you go and set up your chess set.” He suggested, bending down slightly, smiling to the child who had hidden his face behind Trina to avoid the gross notion of the men kissing. Jason ran into the apartment, the box in his hands rattling loudly. “I’m- shit, I’m so stupid, fuck!” Whizzer muttered to himself, he ran his long fingers through his sweat slick hair, going to stub out the cigarette on the doorway.

He hated them, hated how they could destroy someone’s life, but still, the loneliness forced him to comply to their standard.

“Hey!” Trina interjected. She took the cigarette a took a long puff. “Fuck, I haven’t had one in so long.” She sighed, quickly taking another inhale from it, fanning away the smoke from the smoke detector.

“Didn’t know you smoked. Or cursed.” Whizzer said, his eyes narrowing, a worried look on his face as he stole back the cigarette, stubbing it out before she had a chance to take another drag.

The tears that had been building in her eyes since she realised Marvin was cheating on her, rolled down Trina’s face, silent tears, painful and stinging in her eyes. “I- I’m finding it difficult right now.” She said, looking to her feet, sniffling slightly. “Here.” She whispered, handing Whizzer the aluminium wrapped banana carrot surprise. “You’re the only one who likes it.”


	9. Please come to our house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a hot sec. hope everyone's staying safe and not procrastinating on their School work like I am. anyways stay home, wear a mask and I'm lolling that Trump may get impeached, again, 9 days before Biden's inauguration. 
> 
> why was that so random, idk but it basically describes me.

[graciethekay2.tumblr.com](http://graciethekay2.tumblr.com/) also please follow my Tumblr Danke 

Jason skulked in the corner of the room, watching his mother twirl her hair in her fingers, creating faux curls as she leant against the wall, talking on the phone.

She had that weird smile on her face, the one that reminded him of the way his father looked at Whizzer. The way Whizzer would look at his father, but only when he thought no one was watching. Weird.

As his mother threw her head back in a fake laugh (it was too harsh and loud to Jason’s ears, hellishly shrill) he tried sneaking out of the kitchen, but instantly his mother snapped her fingers and he sighed, slinking up beside her.

She had that look on her face again. The one she thought he didn’t recognise. The fallacy of her love, the almost disgusted grimace she hid behind a bright smile.

“ahh, _lovely_.” She said, smiling into the phone.

He shivered.

_Lovely._ Jason hated the way she always said lovely. Everything always had to be either _lovely_ or _perfect._

Her face took on the almost demented look again as she turned back to see her son. “Dr Mendel, I’m sure Marvin has spoken of his… our son, but since our family was…” Jason noted the way she took a pause as she cringed externally “ripped apart, I’m not sure that Marvin,” she spoke through gritted teeth “god bless his soul, has been able to… connect, per se, with Jason-“

She suddenly got giggly again, her cheeks reddening as she played with the coiling telephone wire between her fingers, “yes Mr Mendel, I said I was alright…” she made a shooing gesture to Jason and his face lit up as he ran from the room.

He was about to run up the stairs to go back to his chess game, when his forehead scrunched, and he realised that his mother was probably going to talk about him. He scooted his back against the wall as he edged down the hall again back in the direction of the kitchen, playing spy, making sure he didn’t step on any of the squeaky floorboards.

He knew where they were now from his late-night rendezvous, coming down in the middle of the night to raid the fridge. He couldn’t eat around his father anymore; he didn’t really know why.

_Jason waited up until he heard the sound of his Father’s bedroom door closing._

_Whizzer hadn’t come home. Again. The third day he had been gone._

_He tiptoed out of bed, well it was more of an air mattress in the corner of the living room, and hugged the walls, cringing as the cracking sound of the fridge opening seemed larger than life._

_The fridge at Whizzer’s and his Father’s apartment was always empty he wasn’t sure why he had even checked. He opened wooden cabinets, checking through them too. Nothing._

_He had never seen Whizzer eat, and the lack of food in his apartment was no exception to that rule. Whizzer always told Jason he was hardly human, saw himself more as an anti-angel. Jason could compare him to an angel, maybe, but never a demon._

_He would tell Jason it was all to do with the constructiveness of the escapism. Jason didn’t understand what half of those words meant. Whizzer talked in metaphors a lot, his father would constantly insist that Whizzer was pretty but dumb, like a girl, and to not pay him any attention, but Jason found him fascinating, Jason realised Whizzer could see realms his father couldn’t understand._

_His head darted around, and his heart pounded as he heard the scratching of metal on metal, the etching sound of a key missing a lock. Then the door opened._

_He could almost smell the alcohol from the kitchen, Whizzer, soaked, stumbling forward, a trapped smile on his face._

_“Jason? It’s late I think.” His words slurred and tapered in uncomfortable cadences. He suddenly giggled, biting his hand to try and keep quiet, “your dad’s gonna be so pissed at us.” He whispered loudly, probably louder than his usual speaking voice._

_Jason’s forehead furrowed, “where were you?” he asked._

_Whizzer cocked his head. Just like his father, but kinder, a sweeter tone in his voice. “job hunting.” He giggled again._

_“this late?” Jason’s question hung in the air, unanswered. “I’m not naïve Whizzer, I’m almost ten and a half.” Whizzer looked as though he had either suddenly sobered or reached a new level of drunk._

_“are you hungry, because I’m hungry, you know what, I’m going to make some rice.”_

_“rice? You’re going to eat?”_

_“I only eat when I’m drunk because then I don’t feel guilty.” Whizzer said, quietly getting a pot, placing it on the stove, pouring water into it and heating it._

_“you feel guilty when you eat?”_

_Whizzer’s eyes widened, realising he had said it out loud “no?” he tried to cover himself “I’m just not a constructive escapist.” He poured in the rice, enough for the two of them._

_Jason suddenly looked confused, “you always say that, and I don’t understand what you mean!”_

_“do you ever need to get away from it all?” Whizzer asked, “when you’re just too tired, or too… too hurt by someone who supposedly loves you?” Jason nodded, “well you play chess to get away. I have sex and drink and get into bar fights and cheat then lie about it, I do drugs, I don’t eat. Your escape is a safe haven, heaven. Mine is hell, lavish and fiery.”_

_“is that why you say you’re a demon?”_

_“no. I call myself an anti-angel. I’m not evil, but I’m not moral.” He strained the murky water out into the sink. “rice’s done.”_

_“what am I?”_

_“human.” There was brief pause in the conversation as Whizzer served rice onto two plates, still, only a tiny amount on his own. They sat on the freezing kitchen floor, eating with their hands as Whizzer hadn’t done the washing up for a while and Marvin refused to._

_“whizzer?” Jason asked, his voice small._

_“yes?”_

_“why don’t you tell me everything?” He asked, putting his plate down, “you said you would never lie to me, but you hide things.”_

_“well some things I think only adults can hear, and sometimes… even they aren’t ready.” Whizzer replied, facing him. Jason could see how tired he looked, how pained he seemed to be._

_"_ _I know you turn tricks.” Jason said bluntly._

_“your father doesn’t.” Whizzer replied, a cynicism in the bitter laugh that followed “he thinks I whore myself out to half of Manhattan for fun.” His laugh disappeared and he let out a sigh as he saw how worried Jason’s looked, “I don’t turn tricks, I just have a select group of men who buy me… things. Buy me things or give me cash.”_

_"is that what my father is? A… a client? Is that why he says it would be a miracle if you were to ever love him?”_

_Whizzer smiled, a tiny silver laugh echoing from his lips as he saw how judgmental Jason’s look was, “he’s not a client… exactly. Yes, he buys me stuff, but I think that’s the only way he thinks I’ll stay.”_

_Jason’s voice became a low whisper, or at least low for a ten-and-a-half-year-old boy who’s balls hadn’t yet dropped, “ I could help you out Whizzer, I have two hundred dollars saved up and my bar mitzvah’s in a couple of years so when that comes I could…”_

_Whizzer had to smile to stop the laugh from forcing it’s way between his lips, “oh that’s alright kid,” it would be a miracle if he stayed that long “you can keep your mone—”_

_“where the hell were you.” His father’s voice, bitter and chilling._

_Breaking a moment between friends. Jason hated him for it._

_And suddenly Whizzer’s charade was back. “out.” The stone medusa mask falling back over his features, contorting his face into the freezing ice that Jason knew he wasn’t._

Jason pressed his ear up against the wooden door, listening silently to his mother talk, able to hear the dull muttering on the other end of the line.

“look Mr Mendel, you need to help me. Marvin’s son is… is the devil incarnate… Satan.” there was a moment of silence as she listened to the telephone “I- you must come to our house; he refuses to visit your office and I’m afraid he’s-“ her voice dropped to a quiet whisper “-sick in the head.” Another moment passed, “this isn’t _just_ about Jason. Please, God bless this rotten family and I pray that the two of you get along because I fear you’re the only one who will be able to help him. If not, you’ll surely find a noose hanging from the chandelier with my body hangi--you’ll come?... today! Oh thank you Mr Mendel, thank you so much. I’ll see you soon.”

Jason heard the click of the phone being replaced on the receiver and legged it down the hall, reaching the stairs just as Trina flurried out of the kitchen.

“Jason, Jason honey, Mendel’s coming today!” she exclaimed, not even noticing him.

It didn’t matter if she disguised her hatred with _honey_ or _sweetheart_ , or _sugar_ , _darling_ , _sweetie_ , _love_ or any other pet name. Jason knew she still felt it.

“yay.” He muttered sarcastically under his breath, hanging onto the bannister as he rolled his eyes.

Trina stood in front of the mirror in the front hall, fixing her hair and makeup, pretending to look put together. “hon, will you get me my nice apron from up on my bed?” she asked, and reluctantly he complied, trudging up the stairs as though he was a fifty-year-old man, not a child.

Her bedroom was lonely now without Marvin, and very floral. It was never like that when he was still around. She had re decorated almost every room in the house after Marvin had left them, she said something about a smell she couldn’t stand, but at the time Jason had more pressing issues to worry about, like how often he was going to see Whizzer now that he had moved out.

He picked up the apron off of the bed and brought it back to his mother.

It was sadistic really, having a nice apron.

“what do I say to the man when he gets here, should I be mean to him?” he asked as he handed it to her. 

A disapproving scowl echoed across his mother’s face, “why in god’s righteous name would you be mean?” she scorned, pulling her star of David necklace out from beneath the collar of her dress, the look on Jason’s face becoming almost exactly like his fathers. 

It made her want to strangle him.

“be yourself Jason. He’s not here to judge you, he’s here to fix you and he can’t do that if you’re not honest.” She finished with a sigh.

Jason followed her into the kitchen as his mind continued to whirl, “so I need to be the person you’ve been telling me not to be for ten and a half years?” he asked.

Trina bent over, rummaging under the sink for a feather duster. With her back turned she was free to grit her teeth as she replied, “stop asking questions.” _Smart ass._

“but I do need to be myself?”

“yes, god yes, just be yourself.” She tickled his nose with the feather duster, prancing into the dining room where she began to dust, Jason still following her like a duckling.

“okay, I’ll be myself!” he suddenly decided, smiling proudly to himself.

Trina turned, a grimace on her face as she took a quick glance at his mis matched outfit. He was his father through and through, from the awful fashion taste to the belief he held of his intelligence. “well maybe just try to be a slightly better version of yourself.” She suggested, “you want to impress Doctor Mendel now don’t you?”

Jason scoffed, folding his arms tight across his body, “no, _you’re_ the one who wants to impress him.” He muttered softly under his breath.

Unlike his father, Jason had a knack for noticing things going on in other people’s lives. He had watched how his Mother had been talking nonstop about this man for several weeks, how she blushed whenever he called, which Jason didn’t believe was very professional of him. After several consultations with Whizzer, who was the most professional and suave person (and unrelated but had been with the most men) he knew, even though he was fired for having sex at work, realised that Mendel probably liked his mother also.

“sorry love, I didn’t quite catch that.”

“nothing Mother.” He replied, watching her clean the already spotless room as fast as she could. Suddenly she flung the duster into his hands and ran into the kitchen, Jason just staring at the fluffy thing cradled in his arms as his Mother ran back in with a steaming dish, placing it in the centre of the dining table and began arranging the room around it.

The shrill ring of the doorbell echoed through the house and Jason stared at his Mother.

“what are you waiting for child, go, go go!” she said, shooing him into the hallway, regretting that she hadn’t fixed his hair as he hopped to the door.

The man in front of him looked like half of the men who went to his synagogue. Short, slightly rounded but in a soft way, sporting a loose knitted cardigan and tight black curly hair. Jason knew that if Whizzer was here, he would’ve instantly shut the door in the man’s face, telling him he could come back once his outfit was younger than he was.

But unlike the others, he didn’t seem particularly scary.

“hullo.” Jason said, an awkward pause hanging precariously in the air. He turned around, looking to his mother who’s head was in her hand. He turned back to the man, putting his hand out like he had seen the ‘adults’ do, no matter how childish they acted, and spoke “how wonderful of you to visit the house of the devil incarnate.” He said cynically, a bright juxtaposed smile on his face.

He could hear his mother groan behind him as she stalked into the kitchen to get cutlery.

“my mother made food…” Jason could see the slight hesitation on the Man’s face, staring into the haunts of the house where Trina had disappeared into.

“I’m sure… it’s…” he craned his neck, trying to stare into the dark. Suddenly he snapped out of it. “ _lovely.”_ He’d been spending time with his mother, Jason could tell. “can we talk somewhere?” he asked, and Jason nodded, letting go of his hand.

The man followed him through the house, staring at almost everything curiously as Jason led him to the dining table. Out of nowhere Trina popped up behind them, “maybe talk over the food? Before it cools?” she suggested. “Doctor Mendel, it’s lovely to see you _again_ this week.” She smiled, putting her hand out elegantly. 

Mendel stared at it for a second, it was beautifully delicate, perfect as though she were royalty. Gentle yet strong like butterfly wings. He took it in both of his own hands clumsily, feeling as though he would never deserve such elegance and grace that Trina could offer.

He suddenly blushed a gentle pink as she took her other hand, placing it on top of his. Every inch of skin that touched hers tingled fiercely in a way he didn’t recognise, in a way that made him feel lightheaded and dizzy. _‘oh god, so unprofessional.’_ He thought to himself, looking up. _Okay, you’re doing better than last time. Haven’t fainted yet._ As his eyes met Trina’s, a deep sense of comfort suddenly rushed into his stomach and he smiled.

Trina blushed, averting her gaze, letting go of Mendel’s hand with a nervous smile.

For a moment, Mendel just stared at Trina, taking in her perfectly curved figure before he realised what he was doing “um… lovely table.” He said awkwardly, cutting of his train of thoughts before they became too obscene, patting the table cloth covered wood.

“lovely… lovely table.” Trina repeated, stuttering slightly, her smile becoming neural and surreal, a glazed look blushing her eyes, softening them, thawing the ice that had been frozen there for years.

Mendel grazed his fingers over the soft linen as he walked around it to the head, “rather umm… romantic” he added softly, his eyes meeting Trina’s from across the room, a tension held in the air.

“yes… I think so… romantic.” She replied, a timidness in the way she spoke as though she were afraid.

In some ways she was.

Afraid of being hurt again, afraid of falling in love again.

Jason stood, disgusted, in his mother’s shadow, watching the shyness of their actions. Watching how, unlike his father’s and Whizzer, their dance was a slow, beautiful waltz, each following the other and taking cautious, yet flowing steps compared to the brash tango that the men displayed. With their callous moves and the passion saturated in every turn or jump they would take. How the tempo would change and thaw, _adagio_ to _vivace_ in a split second. How they would fight. How even though his father told him that what he and Whizzer had was love, there was something wrong about it. You wouldn’t fight that viciously with someone you loved. You wouldn’t hurt them. You wouldn’t have to ‘buy’ them.

“I’m sorry, please do sit.” Trina said, a beaming smile lighting up her face, “just not there.” She added as Mendel bent to sit down, a passive aggressive look crossed over her face for a split second before it disappeared as though it were never there. “actually… you can, sorry.”

Jason’s eyebrow raised as he took his own seat.

The head of the table was his father’s spot. _Always_. No one had sat there since he left, almost as though It was part of his mother’s mourning.

“so… Jason is it?” Mendel asked, painfully unaware of the meaning of his seat.

Trying to take his father’s place already.

He nodded, his chin falling into his hand, picking at the wood as Trina rubbed her eyes, taking in an impatient breath.

She couldn’t snap, not in front of Mendel.

“kid… you look miserable.” Mendel said, point blank.

Trina’s tired look became a sudden shocked one, her eyes darting to her son.

“I’m not miserable, I’m just… uninspired” he said, avoiding Mendel’s eye contact. He tensed up suddenly as Mendel put an arm around him, swaying him in a friendly manner.

He hadn’t felt friendly contact since he last saw Whizzer. His mother’s always seemed sweet, but ended up malicious, his father’s tepid and ignorant. Almost afraid to touch him. Jason knew his Father saw him as a mistake, it was hardly hidden.

Maybe this man wasn’t so bad. _Maybe_ he was like Whizzer, a friend.

Mendel smiled, appreciating Jason’s honesty, “uninspired… how mature of you.”

He removed Mendel’s hand from around his shoulders, a disgusted grimace on his face. “well I have to be—” a cynical tone took over his voice “-I’m the only one of them who isn’t petty and childish. I’m the only one who sees how stupid all of this is.” A neat smile crossed his face, dismissing the cynicism instantly, “would you like home cooked Latkes? my mother made them.”

“oh yes, my mother’s recipe.” Trina added with a smile as she pushed the plates towards Mendel, “she smuggled it out of Austria during the second world war in my oldest brother’s shoe sole when he was two.”

“oh, Zionist?” Mendel asked.

“actually Ashkenazi, my family were originally from Prussia.”

“fascinating.” Trina blushed, not really sure why, “ I was wondering if you could leave us alone to talk, Trina?”

“um… of course.” She stuttered. She picked up the dishes, balancing several in her arms with grace, “I’ll take the food, reheat it if you’d like any—”

Mendel gestured a small wave. “I’m sorry, I don’t like eating on the job…” he noticed the slight drop in her facial expression, but she instantly went against it with a tight smile. The small spike pricked his heart and he instantly tried to appease her, “but I’m sure I could make an exception.”

Her smile instantly warmed the room, “honey-“ she turned to Jason “-the worst parts are through, Mendel’s lovely, please…” she tapped his nose like she had done earlier, this time much softer “just be yourself.”

Gentler and real. Jason knew she was trying to impress him.

“okay, we’ve got some work to do!” Mendel said brightly, making a shooing gesture to Trina, jokingly.

She gathered the rest of the plates in her other hand “I’ll wait outside, I’ll be right there if you need me, okay?”

“there we go Jason, she’ll wait.” Mendel reassured.

“will you wait too?” Jason asked, turning this time to Mendel.

“wait?”

“not force me to speak if I don’t want to.” Jason explained.

Mendel nodded, “but I’m sure your brain is filled with lots of things to talk about.” He said, shooting a smile towards Trina.

“I’ll wait for you.” Trina said with a smile as she left the room.

But Jason noted the way she was looking to Mendel instead of himself, her voice melodical and lyrical as she smiled lightly.

The same smile that reminded him of the way his father looked at Whizzer. The way Whizzer would look at his father, but only when he thought no one was watching. Weird.


	10. Jason's therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a hot second, writer's block is a bitch. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy, this didn't exactly come out how I wanted it to, but oh well.

Jason’s therapy

Jason sat across from Mendel, as far away as possible, tapping his fingernails on the table top, not even daring to look him in the eye. As a nail came down onto the table particularly forcibly, it cracked, and he brought it up to his face, scowling before he bit it off, flicking it onto the floor beside him, following it with his eyes.

Then he looked up. Staring at Mendel, his eyebrows furrowing.

It had been ten minutes of heavy silence, each waiting for the other to make their move.

Jason was playing his third game of mental chess.

Mendel had an almost amused look on his face, a smile so faint most wouldn’t even catch it. He got up, a low grunt leaving his lips as his knees audibly cracked, and he slowly rounded the table, perching on the edge. He smiled down to Jason, who held an estranged look, and patted the space beside him, a kind smile that Jason seemed to trust. His eyes crinkled and he patted the table again, Jason reluctantly getting up and taking a seat beside him.

This wasn’t how adults usually acted.

“so—” Mendel said, looking at Jason out of the corner of his eye “what do you think about your Dad?” he asked.

Jason’s face turned into a deep scowl, “Marvin?” he scoffed bitterly.

So much like his father.

“who else would I mean?” Mendel asked curiously.

“I don’t know…” Jason trailed off, thinking “Whizzer.”

“oh?” Mendel turned to Jason, cocking his head, it was odd how he already saw Whizzer as a father figure. “do you want to talk about Whizzer? I met him once...”

“no.” Jason cut him off and there was silence once again, but this time it wasn’t as heavy. “Mr Mendel, I have a brain haemorrhage every time I think of my father and everyone tells me I’m so much like him…” he trailed off as he saw the guilty look on Mendel’s face, “you think I’m like him too don’t you.”

“you can just call me Mendel.” he chuckled softly, about to speak again when Jason’s panicked look intensified

“but what happens, Mr Mendel, what happens…” his eyes became so wide and scared and his voice dropped to a whisper as he took a sly glance at the door, where he knew his mother was probably listening in. “if I’m gay too?”

Mendel had to bite his tongue to stop from laughing, it didn’t work like that.

“he’s just so sad and petty and I don’t want to be like that, I don’t want to be cruel and mean to people I love.” He explained, “if I get …‘ _it’_ , will I die, will people hate me like my father, will I… “ he trailed off, ruffling his hair as a frazzled look came over his face, “I don’t want to live like him and Whizzer, I think it’s… queer.” He chuckled cynically at his own wordplay before suddenly he grasped on to Mendel’s arm, making big gestures with his other hand, “what should I do about it, what am I meant to say, if I’m gay how am I meant to act, how do I get help, I’m just really overwhelmed and all my dad cares about is him, him, him and his stupid tight knit family.”

“okay, stop!” Mendel interrupted as he watched Jason spiral, “look, no one’s pressuring you to feel this way, your mother’s not screaming at you, your father’s not ‘making you gay’ that’s not a thing!” He smiled, standing up as he began to make large gestures in the air. “there is no need for you to feel anxious about unnecessary things that aren’t even happening, loosen up, be a child. Make bad decisions, smoke cigarettes and then throw up and decide you don’t want to smoke ever again, make friends, stay out late in the summer doing whatever you want, try alcohol and hate it, make your parents worry about you for _normal reasons_. Jason, drop the wining and just smile! Feel alright for the rest of your life!”

He froze, standing like a starfish with a bright, almost scary, smile on his face and Jason just stared, his eyes wide open.

This wasn’t what he heard his Father tell his Mother therapy was like in hushed voices behind closed doors. He heard that it was quiet and relaxing where you spoke for years and only then made a break through, not a one-minute explanation on why his feelings weren’t valid.

“Is this therapy?” he deadpanned.

-

Trina ran into the room, a dish held elegantly in her hands as she smiled with a brilliant intensity, “I made Chicken merengo this week, I hope you like tomatoes!” she stated, her tone as bright as it was every time Mendel came over, which seemed to be almost every day now. She placed the dish into the centre of the table carefully, making sure the broth didn’t slosh over the ellipse. “it didn’t take me too long, just the best part of the day.” She joked, sitting next to Mendel her knees knocking with his as she leant in. “I have so much more time when Jason’s at his fathers…” she trailed off, her hand moving timidly along the table until she worked up the courage to place it on top of Mendel’s.

Mendel swallowed loudly, his Adam’s apple bouncing up before it relaxed, and he looked from their interlocking fingers to Trina’s kind yet nervous smile. He could feel the sweat build on the back of his neck, and the sudden dizzy spell that washed over him every time she touched him. He had become soft and dizzy as the rosy pink slush filled him.

Instead, Trina took the lead, leaning in slowly, her breath hitching in her throat as her lips brushed slightly over Mendel’s, feeling how rough they were, but in a comforting way. They hovered millimetres away, Mendel internally freaking out as he could smell the lemon and mint tea on Trina’s breath, the breath he didn’t deserve. She smiled, sensing his nerves and whispered, “don’t be scared.”

Mendel spoke as though he couldn’t concentrate on anything other than her face so close to his. “I’m not scared… I’ve just been hoping for this.” He whispered back, his voice falling in uneven and ragged cadences that Trina found incredibly sweet. She moved forwards, their lips brushing again, sending fireworks through their bodies and they united in a soft kiss. the way summer rain feels as it collects by your ankles, the way it feels when you see a perfectly ordered bookshelf, the way a box of dusty childhood memories feel, the way It feels to find a hat knitted for you after your grandmother’s passing. Familiar and guiltily indulgent.

They were interrupted as the doorbell shrieked through the rooms.

They bolted apart, both blushing furiously, yet Trina couldn’t hide the beaming smile that was stretching over her mouth, the first time, she felt a new anticipation for life, in years, finally breaking out of her mind-numbing routines. They stared at each other, trying to control the rosiness of their faces, and the doorbell rang again, persistent and shrill.

Trina turned on her heels, bolting to the front door, her hair and skirt flailing around her in a cliché way you would only see in the movies, like Marylyn Monroe. She was beautiful, stunning, a new kind of youthful energy surrounding her that reminded Mendel how young she really was.

She was still blushing as she opened the door, her smile dropping slightly as she saw her _ex_ -husband. It still hurt, she wondered how long it would take before the numbness would subside.

“Hi Sweetie, how was your night?” she asked, bending down to take Jason’s backpack out of his hands. She kissed the top of his head as he grimaced. _He needs a bath._ She thought to herself, her nose crinkling slightly.

He smelt like Whizzer, that smell she had tried her best to eradicate.

He slipped past her, putting his chess set down on the hall table. “Whizzer and I played chess.” He said, shrugging.

 _Full of details as usual._ “oh good-“ Trina said, her smile faltering as she looked up to Whizzer, his arm draped almost lazily over Marvin’s shoulder. She didn’t miss the marks on his neck. It still hurt.

She also didn’t miss the blooming purple bruise, covered in layers of makeup that was just too matte and slightly smudged as though he had accidentally wiped it, on his cheekbone.

Whizzer’s smile looked strained, just like the pretence of how close he was to Marvin. He narrowed his eyes, “Trina, you’re glowing. What’s changed?” she recognised the cages that were beginning to enclose around him, but she was sure he couldn’t see them. That’s how it was for her, one day content with a baby and a husband, the next day, the baby crying and the husband not coming home after he almost couldn’t stop himself from hitting her around the head with a frying pan because of the overwhelming noise.

 _Trust a gay man to notice._ She thought to herself, but she couldn’t help but smile at the compliment, she knew Whizzer’s compliments were real and scarce. “I um… love…” She said, failing to keep her bright smile hidden. “for seeing you obviously” she flustered, patting the top of Jason’s head like a dog, face heating up again, scared of how Marvin would react to her _trying_ to move on like he had.

“oh.” Whizzer said, his eyebrow raised higher than she could’ve believed possible, flinching slightly as the skin rippled over the bruise. She could feel him seeing straight through her story, right into the little pocket of her brain where she was replaying the kiss with Mendel, over and over again. “I need to get some of that.” Was all he said, so spitefully and pointed, a chill ran down her spine as his head snapped round to Marvin, a scowl painting his face.

An uneasy smile came over her face. “um… come in. Mendel’s here for your therapy honey.” She said turning, the faux sweetness sickening to Jason.

As she said it, she could hear all three boys scoff loudly. “why is he _always_ here?” Marvin asked, shaking Whizzer’s arm off of him as he stalked after her down the hall, the almost constant rain cloud over his head, bursting into thunderstorms. Mendel was jeopardising his tight knit family, _Mendel_.

“calm down _princess._ ” Whizzer said, the pet name making Marvin bristle with anger, “this _therapy crap_ doesn’t even work anyway.” he added quietly, almost to himself.

Marvin replied through braced teeth, a macabre expression that made Trina flinch as she saw it “how would _you_ know, _baby_?” Marvin asked as he stopped dead in his tracks, turning so his face was in Whizzer’s. Picking a fight for no reason.

They used the pet names as grenades, degradations that they threw high over the walls the other built to stop their heart from getting broken. Degradations no one else could hear other than the awkward and biting emphasis. _Princess._ Perfect for Marvin who’s fragile masculinity was so intoxicating, uttering the word in his vicinity would cause him to snap. _Baby._ A leash wrapped around Whizzer’s neck, a much simpler insult, as transparent as glass, not fanciful or well thought out like he would have liked. A name that tethered him to Marvin.

A passive aggressive smile burst onto his face, teeth gritting almost painfully as he spat, “because you’ve spent hundreds of dollars on it and you’re _still_ an abusive prick with anger issues.”

The bruise.

Marvin’s eyes widened for a moment, a hurt wave washing over them. Human. They became icy blue and estranged almost instantly as though the spiteful parts of him were second nature. “go fix your hairline Whizzer, people can see you’re aging.” He replied quietly, venom spiking his words harshly before he turned back to the dining room, his shoulder shoving into Whizzer as he passed him.

Jason watched Whizzer quietly stand, his smile plummeting, frozen in place for a second, before he went to follow. He caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror at the end of the claustrophobic hall and quickly tried to fix his hair, brushing it forward with precision, hiding the engraved frown lines on his forehead. He flashed Jason a dead eyed smile as he noticed him watching.

Hurt, but couldn’t let Marvin see how it really affected him.

Solemnly, Jason passed him, seeing his father sitting in his usual spot, the head of the table with Trina next to him.

Their _usual_ spaces.

As if nothing had changed.

“hello Jason!” Mendel said, the look on his face exactly like his mother’s was when she opened the door, flushed and dizzy.

A grimace came over his face “um… hi?” He sat next to his mother, trying to get as far away from Marvin as possible, resting his chin in the palm of his hand moodily.

Whizzer suddenly appeared in the doorway, a cold look on his face. He flashed a smile to Mendel, but it was flat, lifeless, who took his hand and shook it, “nice to see you again Whizzer.” He said, noting how much more composed Whizzer looked this time.

“you too… Matt?”

To him, the man in front of him wasn’t particularly recognisable, nothing striking about him, and the incredulous straight vibes he gave off were sort of exhausting to Whizzer. He didn’t like to be around anyone who didn’t want to fuck him, especially if they had worse fashion sense than Marvin, which until he met this man, he didn’t even believe to be possible.

“Mendel.”

Whizzer smiled, his eyes dark pits, “if you say so.” He didn’t even make an effort to remember his name and tilted his head to Marvin. Sat how he used to sit, looking comfortable, looking like he belonged at the head of the table with the wife and the child. “I’ll see you later.” He stated, trying to stop the lump from forming in his throat, trying to make his mind blank like it did when he would drink, or get high, or get into fights.

He was staring at Marvin, a forlorn look on his face that Marvin had only ever glimpsed a couple of times. When Whizzer fell asleep in his arms, when Marvin bought him home something pretty and expensive. Noticing the attention, Whizzer hardened, his eyes becoming sinful and dark.

“where are you going?” Marvin asked, his tone stern, _mean_. But he already knew. A bar. A club. Some other man’s apartment. That feeling, the one in his heart that ached every time he saw Whizzer leave to be with someone other than him, shot through his body again.

Along with the teeth shattering anger. 

Silky liquid dripping, the cut of a triumphant smile, vivid colour coating crack house walls, pomegranate’s popping between your teeth, control and lust coming undone, thrashing through your chest, beating against your ribcage to escape, everything that’s passion, everything that’s pain, every fury, every love.

Every rose promised but never given.

Red, the colour that coats the fine line between lust and love.

Whizzer swallowed his thoughts, blaming the pain he could bare from himself and others, but not Marvin on lust. His lips quivered into a smile, trying to seem confident about the fact. Lust. “out.” It was the tiny waver at the end that gave him away, leaving the room before he could face the consequences.

Marvin’s lips parted as he tried protesting but he was too late, Mendel already doing the thing where he bounced around the room as if he were on crack cocaine as the door slammed, rattling emptily.

The same way it did the night he left, running to Whizzer’s door, telling him he had chosen him with too much enthusiasm. An unnatural amount, over compensating for the lie he had told. 

Boxes. He hadn’t yet unpacked the cardboard moving boxes filled with mismatched trinkets that lay stacked at the foot of their bed, scattered as extra surfaces in the living room. He made a mental note to finish unpacking them when he got home.

 _Home_. Not really. The half unopened boxes weren’t the only clue.

“Marvin-“ he looked up from the door, his mind emptying suddenly. He didn’t miss the smug look shining fiercely in Trina’s eyes. “- I was just telling Trina that a lot of Jason’s… difficulties in perceiving life, come from the pair of you enforcing your feelings, maybe passive aggressively, onto Jason.”

“Sorry?” Marvin’s eyebrows furrowed almost automatically as they did every time his son was mentioned in any context.

Mendel smiled politely, “er… for example…” He trailed off, no clue where he was going, he usually just made things up and his patients tended not to be in the best mental state to argue, “homeliness!”

“ _homeliness_?” Marvin repeated scornfully, his eyes searching for emotion in Trina’s eyes as he stifled a laugh.

He saw it. The way she grasped onto Mendel’s every word, the way she followed him around the room with light and warm eyes he hadn’t seen for years, the way their eyes would avert when they met, maybe blushing, maybe smiling.

“homeliness.” She said, almost as though she had forgotten who she was, as though she were under some kind of spell.

“yes. Forget everything homely Trina.” Mendel said, his hands lingering on her shoulders slightly too long for Marvin’s taste. “forget all of the cooking and cleaning you had to do for Marvin, they are not part of your identity.” He moved on to Marvin, slamming his hands onto his shoulders as he massaged them with a rough grip, Marvin tensing suddenly. “forget everything mean, Marvin, forget everything snide. Stop being passive aggressive, stop trying to get this ‘tight knit family’ that you’ll never be able to have.” He shrugged Mendel’s hand off of his shoulders and he moved on to Jason, “nothing that you remember was _really_ good it was just good because you had never experienced anything better. The sooner you realise this, the sooner you can forget the past and cover up the pain.”

The words weren’t helping Jason’s pessimistic nature, and they certainly weren’t making any sense either.

He turned to his parents, “is this therapy?” he asked, a scowl engraved into his face.

“Right!?” they exclaimed in unison, leaning forward, “this is therapy!”

Jason stared at his parents, his mother’s fake smile, pristine and fragile as though she could sneeze and it would crack and disappear forever, his Father’s preoccupied expression, his hands wringing together as he obviously thought of Whizzer.

“great…” Jason said, a patronising smile lighting up his face, “so scram!”

Trina’s eyes widened and she folded her arms over her chest, sitting back in her chair. She looked to Mendel who had a funny look on his face, an almost proud one, and he nodded, gesturing to the door. Marvin noticed the way she instantly agreed with him, the way she no longer smiled through gritted teeth. She got up, reaching to the centre of the table and picked up the dish elegantly, much more grace present than had ever been in her marriage. Marvin followed, a scowl on his face, but he didn’t want to point anything out until he was certain.

Jason and Mendel were left, staring at each other across the table. five therapy sessions. Only five sessions but Mendel had been over much more often than that, Jason found him odd, but nice. Kind of like him.

He got up, circling the room until he was standing next to Mendel and sat on the table, patting the spot next to him. Just like their first therapy session.

A familiar smile echoed Mendel’s lips and he reluctantly sat beside Jason; his body turned so he could see him.

There was a moment of comfortable silence and suddenly, out of nowhere, Jason blurted out, “ I know you like my mom.”

Mendel smiled, “of course I like your mother-“

Jason rolled his eyes so hard Mendel could see the whites, “no you _like like_ my mother-“ he glanced at the door before whispering, “as in… romantically.”

Mendel’s mouth dropped open as if he was about to argue, his voice becoming high pitched and cracked like a teenage boy, “what!” he cleared his throat, his voice dropping three octaves, “Jason I—”

“Mr Mendel, I was wondering what your intentions were with my mother, are they everything she would desire?” Mendel held his breath, avoiding Jason’s eye contact at all cost and looked skyward, praying to god it would be over soon. “she likes you too! All you need to do is propose!”

“Jason, you can’t just ‘propose’.”

“why not!?” Jason asked, his hands flailing in the air. “you love her, she loves you!”

“Jason—”

“I’ll buy confetti, I’ll sing, I’ll help you plan it so my mother will like it—”

“Jason—”

“I know I’m not meant to be the one to ask, but my father would rather murder you than let you marry her—”

“Jason!” Mendel finally managed to interrupt, “your idea of love is clouded, you’ve never seen real love—”

Jason began to protest. “my dad loves Whizzer—”

Mendel sighed, rubbing his face with his hands, “your father _thinks_ he loves Whizzer. Jason—”

“Whizzer loves my Father.” Jason’s eyes were large and innocent.

Mendel laughed “Whizzer does not love your father.” He said, instantly feeling bad as he saw Jason’s smile drop. There was a moment of silence “I’m sorry kid-“

Suddenly an all-knowing look came over Jason’s face. “he told me!” he said, sticking his nose into the air, arms folded over his chest.

“he told you he loved your father?” Mendel’s eyebrow raised.

Jason thought for a moment. “okay, he implied it! He doesn’t charge my dad!”

A disturbed look came over his face. “charge him?” Mendel shook his head, “I’m not gonna ask. Jason, I like your mother, a lot, but I can’t just propose to her. You’re a child, you don’t understand this. Trina’s special, and perfect and I don’t deserve her. Love isn’t free, love isn’t blind, and… oh god, I just, she’s perfect, she’s beautiful and sweet…” a frightened look suddenly overcame Mendel’s face “I think I love her, oh god, what do I do, what do I say, how do I ask—”

“Stop!” Jason exclaimed. “look around you! You’re here more often than you’re at your own home! There’s nice furniture, she cleans your clothes, she washes your dishes, she cooks you food, granted it’s not always good, but this is how your life could be forever if you just propose to her!” Jason grabbed Mendel’s hands, pulling him up so they were standing opposite each other, “everything _could_ be alright!”

Mendel smiled, “everything _will_ be alright.” He said, putting up a hand and Jason high fived it, a big smile overcoming his face.

“everything will be alright.” 


	11. a marriage proposal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this was a... difficult chapter to write. I COULDN'T BEGIN THE CHAPTER SO I JUST STARTED A WEIRD DICK SUCKING THING. sorry. genuinely I'm sorry. 
> 
> Also FIND THE HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH REFERENCES!!!!!!
> 
> anyways, hope everyone's doing okay, oooh and thanks for 600 reads ;)

“why’s he in such a good mood?” Trina asked, leaning against the wall next to Whizzer as they watched Marvin try to teach Jason a new chess move. He no longer tried to hide the bruise on his cheekbone, the blossoming purple blue hue beginning to subside and turn a sickening yellow since the last time she had seen him, making her worry still about where it had come from.

Whizzer ran a hand through his hair, “I promised to blow him on the drive home if he behaved.” he replied shrugging.

“ do you—” Trina took a sneaky glance at her son, dropping her voice down to a low whisper, “—do you like it?” she asked, her nose crinkling in disgust.

Whizzer made a blasé face, “tastes like avocado.”

Trina almost gagged “what the—”

“plus it’s good for your skin, and releases dopamine, serotonin and more words that I don’t understand.” Whizzer said, he looked down at Trina, the confused look on her face, “the cum I mean.”

“you mean you… you”, she stuck her tongue out uncomfortably, and mimed licking her lips, before shuddering as Whizzer nodded.

He laughed, “oh honey, I’m so glad you’re into the psychiatrist.” He said, a sympathetic smile on his face.

Trina’s face flushed a bright red and she looked to her ex-husband “shh!” she hissed, a flustered look turning her face an even darker shade, “what’s that supposed to mean anyway?”

Whizzer flicked back his jacket as he planted his hands firmly onto his hips, quirking one of his miles high legs, “I just mean that in my experience, there are some… mean guys out there.”

Trina followed his sardonic stare to Marvin, happy for once as he took Jason’s king. “are those ‘mean guys’ the reason you have that bruise?” she asked quietly, watching his face very closely as for the tiniest moment she saw a ripple of emotion.

“god no.” he replied, the stoic stare back, he laughed harshly, not explaining any further and finally noticed Trina’s expression. Scared for him.“ I laugh because if I don’t laugh I will cry.” Whizzer quoted, putting on a faux German accent and pouting.

Trina looked back to Marvin and her son, unconvinced. But then again, she was never sure if what Whizzer said, or perhaps in this case didn’t say, was true.

She knew he was protecting Marvin. She just knew.

Trina cocked her head, “have I heard that before?” she asked.

A smile broke Whizzer’s lips, “I don’t think so.” He laughed, “It’s something a friend of mine says, a woman who used to be a man. I don’t think you’d know her unless you visit a diner in junction city regularly, although she was arrested recently.” He looked up as though in thought, “you heard about the car crash killing all those deaf children on the school bus, right?”

Trina’s face contorted into a horrifying grimace “… _she_ did that!?”

“oh no, the guy in the driver’s seat was on blow and she was blowing him… it was a whole…” he gestured whimsically in the air “thing.”

“oh.” A bewildered expression painted Trina’s face, “how do you know… _her_?”

Whizzer delicately pressed the bruise on his cheekbone, “she was my babysitter as a child, moonlit as a prostitute. She was a mean, mean woman.” A momentary ache shot through his face.

He smiled.

“but she taught me things that my parents wouldn’t”

 _Explains a damned lot._ Her head snapped in the direction of the front hall as she heard the doorbell ring, she cocked her head, about to walk towards it when Jason leapt up.

“I’ll get it!” he exclaimed, knocking her against the wall as he ran to the door.

“who is it honey?” she asked, confusion spreading over her lips as Jason opened the door, revealing Mendel. “oh Mendel, I...” she started blushing and Whizzer rolled his eyes. “I didn’t know you were coming.” Her hands flew up to her hair, smoothing the roots.

“just grab the back of his hair, pull him into a kiss and give his dick a tug.” Whizzer whispered into her ear, nudging her towards him with his hips. “he’ll love you for life, _trust_ me.”

She turned to face him, a shocked and disgusted expression burning into Whizzer’s soul, “I am not going to do that!” she hissed at him.

Whizzer rolled his eyes again, this time at how vanilla she was, “it’s easy.” He hissed back, turning as Marvin walked up to them, his hands on his hips and a scowl painting his face. He grabbed Marvin’s ugly tie, wrapping it around his hand with a professionalism that Trina found uncomfortable. With the other, his finger’s dug into the flesh of Marvin’s ass, tugging at the stuck-up suit trousers, pulling their crotches together so their faces were within inches of touching. Around them the world seemed to freeze, and Whizzer, who told himself he didn’t care about Marvin, felt his heart start to beat like a hummingbird trapped in a cage, his feelings beginning to overwhelm him, brewing like a storm in his chest until he had no way to expel them but to open pandora’s box, his lips meeting Marvin’s softly comparing to the intenseness he had forced Marvin towards him.

As though they were the only people to exist in the world, as though they were sharing their soul through their breath.

A smile caught in a bottle, soft and loving.

_Loving._

Whizzer pulled back, paling suddenly. “see.” He said, avoiding Marvin’s giddy gaze as he felt the unfamiliar nauseousness constricting his chest, “easy.”

 _Lovesick_.

Trina bit the inside of her cheek, trying to keep her breath steady as she smiled, hiding behind the perfect straight rows of teeth, trying not to feel the darkness that would stick in her stomach whenever she saw them like that, reminding her of when she walked in on them.

“mom!” Jason was suddenly tugging on her sleeve.

“what?” She snapped, instantly feeling bad.

But Jason only smiled, putting his hand out and she looked up at Marvin, making a ‘who knows’ gesture before taking it, smiling at how small it was in hers. He escorted her to the sitting room, where Mendel was standing in the middle of the room, his face an almost exact mirror image of hers, confused as to what he was doing there. Jason led her to the small sofa, nodding his head cheerfully as she took a seat uncomfortably on the edge.

He smiled, giving them a little bit of distance, backing away and blurted out, “this is how you make a marriage proposal.” Smiling wickedly as the mortified expression came over Mendel’s face, Trina freezing as she made sure she heard right. She slowly turned to Mendel, a horrified open-mouthed look, silently praying it wasn’t happening when Mendel let out a nervous semi laugh.

The next time he saw the kid he was going to wring his neck.

From the corner of his vision he could see Jason hiding behind the doorframe, Marvin watching with an almost amused expression, and Whizzer’s hand settled between Marvin’s thighs, pulling him closer with an almost unreadable gaze.

He looked back down to Trina, “I love you” he said, his voice shaking, he fumbled down onto one knee, almost toppling over sideways, “I um… I think you’re… swell.” He steadied himself on the sofa, staying a good distance from her as she continued to shake her head gently, making small gestures with it to where Marvin was watching in the doorway. “ er… well I guess we’ve never actually spent enough time together to know if I’m… you know… the same?”

Trina put a finger up, breathing heavily as she turned to look at Marvin, watching for permission.

Whizzer’s hand tightened around Marvin’s thigh, and his jaw tensed, waiting until Marvin nodded before he let out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding.

“I-“ Mendel suddenly gained a whole lot of confidence, Placing his hand on Trina’s thigh. “I love your thighs-“ he said out of nowhere, Trina gasping at the contact, “- I love you so much that I would accept you in any state of mind.” He smiled, reaching for her arm, running his finger’s gently over the inside of her wrist. “any state, remember that.” He said, his eyes deep and sincere, homely in a way Trina understood. “There’s not another man, or a stupid marriage, or a guy in trousers who could love me the way I do.” He exclaimed, pointing over to Marvin and she wrestled his hand down, her anxiety bubbling up in her chest.

He got up, trying to stop himself from hyperventilating, “uh… I’ve worked with some… crazy people.” He made a big gesture in the air, trying to act normally, “- and you know, most people here aren’t exactly sane-“ he said, gesturing again to Marvin and Whizzer. “ I’ve worked with wives who have killed their husbands, and husbands that have killed their wives- ooh nope“ he cut himself off, deciding it probably wasn’t the best thing to say, Trina shaking her head aggressively. “um just like Cain killed Abel, back in… biblical times.”

He smiled sheepishly.

“biblical times” Trina repeated, smiling, still shaking her head slightly.

From the doorway they heard a low laugh, “biblical times.” Marvin repeated, putting his thumb up at how badly Mendel was bombing it.

Whizzer cleared his throat, holding Marvin’s ‘innocent’ gaze before he leant in, his breath hot and gentle on Marvin’s ear causing him to shiver as he whispered, “behave or I’ll find someone better to blow.”

“exactly.” Mendel said, his eyebrow raised, “biblical times.” They all waited in the awkward silence and Mendel gave up on the metaphor, slapping his forehead “ugh.” He cringed, shivering at how ‘well’ he was doing, “I love your eyes, there really warm and hazel and… in fact I love your whole face, and you’re really insecure… like me and I’ll tell you it every day because I want you by my side to… umm… take over being the man of the house if I get sick or detained?” He blubbered on, not even sure if what he was saying made any sense. She went to brush her hair forward to cover her face out of embarrassment when Mendel wrestled her arm down beside her, “don’t touch your hair you’re perfect!” he exclaimed, feeling the insecurity funnel out of her. “ahh! Don’t cry! there’s not anyone, not a straight man, not a gay man, who could love you as much as I do.” He joined her on the sofa, leaning in to her “there’s not some big guy up in the sky, or some petty little power-hungry man who thinks he’s big-“ From the doorway Whizzer snorted, receiving a confused look from Marvin. “- I um… I’m not a giant man, I’m kind of on the shorter side, but I promise that I’ll love you forever.”

Trina’s smile was beginning to bloom like a flower in spring as she took Mendel’s hand in her own, trying to calm his nervous jitters. “you’re perfect the way you are.”

Mendel leant in to her, their faces almost touching, their bodies intwining so their shadow fell as a heart “I’ll love until the day I die if you let me.”

Something no one tells you is the silence before an answer to marriage is the longest pause in the world.

Whizzer’s grasp on Marvin’s thigh fell as he stormed out in the silence. He took one look at Mendel and Trina, moving almost in slow motion, Trina’s smile beginning to burst into an answer, and he followed, catching up to Marvin almost instantly, reaching out to grasp at his hand.

Whizzer’s fingers caught Marvin’s, latching on for almost a moment before Marvin yanked his hand away, out of Whizzer’s grasp. “let go of me” he spat, stopping dead in his tracks, turning, an anger curled hot and unstoppable in his stomach, like a blazing inferno that wanted to burn him from the inside out. 

Whizzer stopped, keeping his distance from Marvin. He put his arms out, approaching Marvin as though he were a wild animal. “I know you’re angry and—”

“you don’t know how the hell I feel.” Marvin bristled, so angry his voice was low and malicious. Whizzer took a step forward and Marvin’s voice rose, “don’t fucking come any closer.”

Whizzer hesitated but took another step forward.

They stood in silence, miles apart.

And then they heard it.

“yes.”

Or rather that was how they told it.


	12. Tight Knit Family Reprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to lie to you, it's been a sec and I'm in a bit of a weird place at the moment. long story short, I hate valentines day, why do people feel the need to express their feelings, and why do they feel the need to do it over text?
> 
> I also forced a friend of mine to watch falsettos over zoom last night. she cried, I cried, it was a whole thang. 
> 
> trigger warning, I'm going to say there are some gay slurs used in here, but only by Marvin and Whizzer. 
> 
> anyways I'm sorry this took so long, writers block and all.

_Marvin’s briefcase dropped to the floor as he saw them._

_Saw the cigarette dangling in Whizzer’s mouth where it didn’t belong, saw the man sitting up next to him, clothes and weapons strewn across the wooden floor, saw the handcuff around Whizzer’s wrist, chaining him to the bed frame._

_“What the fuck?”_

The single ‘yes’. The heart shattering, teeth clenching, soul wrenching, bone shivering word. ‘yes’.

Marvin almost lunged in Trina’s direction, his mouth foaming like a rabid dog as unintelligible streams of insults and slurs flurried out of his mouth. “you motherfucking bitch!”

_“Marv, I know you’re angry and—”_

_“Our place?” Marvin whispered, his voice light like a feather holding up a piano, the words painfully spiteful and loaded, the single imbalance enough to tear the feather out from beneath it, and the piano to fall in the saddest cacophony of noise._

_The man unlocked the cuffs and Whizzer snarled as he rubbed his wrist._

_They weren’t the kinky kind designed for sex, they were real, stainless steel and rough._

_The man in the bed got up, pulling up his jet-black trousers over his ass, and clipped his gun holster back around his chest. He tapped over the blue uniform front until he found a wallet, thumbing his fingers through the bills. He let a couple flutter through the air to his feet, a look on his face saying, ‘crawl bitch’ and almost walked into Marvin on his way out, the gun on his hip making Marvin flinch as the cold barrel grazed his muffin top._

_“It’s my place.” Whizzer replied icily, dropping to his knees and scuttled to collect the money, his hands reaching for the notes that had flitted under the bed._

He stormed through the doors, “While I was fucking here?” he yelled, spittle landing cruelly in Mendel’s beard, his eyes flinching closed in reaction. “And you-“ Marvin spun dangerously on his heels, his face darkening with every word leaving his lips in spit covered daggers “You, _woman_ , were meant to be _seeing_ my psychiatrist, not _sleeping_ with him!”

‘ _and you were meant to have a family photo taken with our photographer, not fucking him in the ass while he was on his break.’_ Trina thought to herself, but instead, she bowed her head guiltily and slunk out of the room as Marvin turned his back to her.

_There was an unnerving crunch as the thick sole of Marvin’s shoe pushed Whizzer’s fingers into the ground. “I pay for it. I make six figures, I pay for all the cosmopolitans and feminine pink drinks that cost twenty bucks each, every single night, I pay for you to go out on your little shopping sprees, I pay for your baths every morning, and the television and the couch and the beers, and I pay you to stay yet I still find a man in our fucking bed.” He suddenly shifted all of his weight backwards onto his heel, watching Whizzer try not to whimper with a wicked smile on his face._

_“When are you going to get it through your thick head that being queer means you have no rules.” Whizzer spat, eyes glossing over as his breathing became laboured. “There are no consequences Marvin, I can go fuck as many men as I want to, and I don’t care if your fragile ego doesn’t like it! You and your heterosexual rules can’t even let you sleep with anyone other than me, we can't get married so we don't have to live like we are. You’re gay. Act like it.” He tried prising Marvin’s foot up, “We’re not in a relationship, we’re just sleeping together!”_

“Fuck! All you had to do was stay! That isn’t so fucking hard, my tight knit family isn’t hard at all and you’d all be so much fucking happier for having it!”

“Marvin—” the psychiatrist tone was back In Mendel’s voice, the same patronising one that seemed to be jeering at Marvin. “Doesn’t it bother you that you’re berating Trina for moving on the way you already have for years?” he asked.

“She never loved me, that’s why it doesn’t bother me.” Marvin’s head shot to see Whizzer, his words directed straight at him, “I want a wife who knows what love is.”

His jaw dropped open, “Oh blow a load and cry about it, I’m not your maid and I’m not a women!” he laughed, and took Jason’s hand, leading him out of the room away from the conflict, glancing back with a deep grimace carved into his face.

“Oh I get it.” Marvin suddenly yelled sarcastically, his voice following Whizzer, “I’m self-absorbed, self-deceived, narcissistic.” He laughed, “Who knows?” He threw his arms out wide as though he were begging Mendel for a fight.

_Marvin finally took a step back and Whizzer pulled his hand to his chest, nursing his swelling fingers as he glared up at Marvin, completely forgetting he was naked. “Prick.”_

_“Slut.”_

_Whizzer rolled his eyes, the insult was used every time they fought and was getting old now, “You think that hurts?” he queried, getting up. “I’ve had worse.” He took a dangerous step towards Marvin, feeling powerful as he watched his own shadow turn Marvin’s face stormy._

_Marvin’s voice became a low growl, “Faggot, fairy piece of garbage.” He jeered, trying to wind Whizzer up._

_Whizzer laughed emptily, “Today I met someone who did me behind the mc Donald’s on 5 th.” _

_“You’re a lazy bitch who’s only purpose Is to please people.” Marvin snarled, edging backwards._

_“And I do a fucking good job.” Whizzer smiled, taking another step closer to Marvin, “Then he took me to his friends. Three of them Marvin, try and do the math on that.”_

_“You get shit faced because you know no one could ever love a man like you.”_

_“Oh but then I met a guy who begged me for a quickie, begged. So I took him to the bathroom at the bar and fucked him, are you jealous Marvin, would you like me to fuck you, do you want to feel the ecstasy that I rob from you, or would you like to end up alone, crying out of the window as you masturbate without my help because you are a narcissistic, petty man who’s only concern is who’s cooking his dinner.” Whizzer was so close to Marvin that he could feel Marvin’s trembling breath. “One day you’ll kill yourself Marvin, I’ll be long gone, and you’ll be fed up with the boring little life you led, but you’ll be too old to change it, you’re pushing it as is—”_

Mendel tried to put his hand on his shoulder, but as soon as he touched Marvin, he ripped his arm away, “Marvin, you can’t act like this, you _need_ to grow up. You act as though this is something perverse, yet your _ex-wife_ has _chosen_ to put this chapter behind her. you must too.”

“You said it.” Marvin scowled, “It’s perverse, it’s wrong.”

“No, you’re embarrassing yourself.” Mendel dropped the almighty tone, becoming just as petty as Marvin as he finally let the words he had stored for years, breach his lips, “You act like a selfish child, someone who is spoilt and has had everything handed to him his entire life. that’s all you are. Yes, I’ve got that nuclear family that you’ve been ‘dreaming of’ but I feel guilty, she’s my patient, I’m annoyed at myself, but like all great psychologists, I have to push past these feelings. Like Jung, like Sigmund Freud”

Marvin laughed, “You are honestly comparing yourself to Jung and Freud? You are the worst psychiatrist I have ever seen!”

_The swing of Marvin’s right hook came out of nowhere, and Whizzer stumbled back, his hands gripping his face, blood and tears streamed, without meaning to, down from his nose, a less than surprised look on his face._

_"Shut the fuck up!” Marvin ordered cruelly._

_Whizzer clutched his face, spitting out blood that ran into his mouth onto the floor “I swear to god, if you’ve broken my nose I’ll—”_

_Marvin cut him off as he leapt at him, hands around his throat, squeezing so much tighter than how they would when they mock choked each other. Whizzer kicked and clawed at him as his face turned a dark purple. He could feel his oesophagus closing, the sound of his blood pumping through his head and ears, deafening him. He could see the emptiness and anger burning in Marvin’s eyes, the desperation. He could see Marvin scream, feel the spit land on his forehead, but he was underwater, unable to hear it as the pressure built up and his lungs burned in pain. The smile clung to his curling lips, his teeth red and bloody._

_The empty, indelible smile, was the thing that forced Marvin to let go, facing away from the red as he tried to slow his breathing. And suddenly he heard the laugh, the chilling laugh in response to any blows he could ever land. Wheezy and cold, psychopathic._

“I know you will get through this Marvin!” Mendel exclaimed, the still ecstatic smile on his face, “You’ve already got through the worst part.”

“She cannot be serious.” Marvin muttered darkly under his breath. He shoved Mendel as he left the room, Mendel following behind, trying to reason with him.

“If you move on, it will be best for everyone, you, your ex-wife, Whizzer, _Jason_.”

Marvin spun on his heels, face inches away from Mendel’s, “Don’t you fucking talk about _my_ son.”

Mendel put his hands up in a mock surrender, and then the smarmy smile spread over his face, “Or rather, _mine.”_

Marvin let out an involuntary gasp and turned to Trina, “Did you fucking hear that!?” he exclaimed.

Trina turned from chopping carrots into chunks, her eyes dark but regret soaked, “Hear what?” she asked, and Marvin burst into spluttering protestations.

_“You’re high.” Marvin said quietly, turned away from Whizzer who had curled up into a tiny ball as he tried to catch his breath, each breath gritty and raspy. “What did you take?”_

_“I don’t know.” Whizzer whispered back, his voice becoming nasal as his finger’s pinched his nose to stop the blood._

_Marvin sighed, “Jesus Christ Whiz.” He said, voice syrupy with emotional exhaustion._

_“Thought you were Jewish.” Whizzer quipped. He sat up slowly, and leant his chin on Marvin’s shoulder, blood soaking into his ugly chequered shirt, wincing as Marvin’s head turned to him, a tired, droopy look in his eyes. “I didn’t really do any of that shit today,” he whispered, still unable to speak properly, “I was arrested, promised the officer I’d sleep with him if he’d let me get out of it without writing me up.” Marvin turned so he was sitting opposite Whizzer, their legs intertwining as Marvin looked down at the dark bruises on his hips where the skin had been clipped against a surface, “Pig.”_

_“You brought him home?”_

_Whizzer tried to laugh, but it became a cough as his breath caught in his raw throat, “Better than a literal jail cell.”_

_They sat together in silence, Marvin trying to ignore the pain in his heart. “Love me.” he pleaded, his hand reaching up to Whizzer’s face and touched the area around his nose and eye that was already beginning to blossom into a purple, feeling the guilt churn in his stomach._

_Whizzer smiled, but there was something new about it, something Marvin had never seen before. His words were soft yet painful, “Don’t be a fool.” But his eyes, his eyes were saying something else, his eyes gave him away, “You don’t make it easy Marv.” He added, the honesty so sickly sweet and perfect that Marvin’s heart skipped a beat._

_He opened his mouth to correct him, but closed it again, the ghost of a smile forming over his lips, “Neither do you.”_

“You piece of- she cannot fucking love you …” he yelled, laughing at the insanity, “I guess nothing’s impossible.” He added accompanied by a grim smile

“Oh look who finally got power-“ Mendel replied sarcastically. “-Look who’s finally listening to what I’ve been saying all along.”

“You’re king of the losers, all those ‘crazy’ people you see, your patients, _losers_.” Marvin said as he punctuated his words with dramatic gestures.

“Ever occurred to you that you’re one of those losers? At least I’m a king of something. _You’re nothing but a queen._ ”

That was the bullet that made Whizzer look up from his game of chess with Jason, trying to distract him from the fight, a chilling expression on his face instantly making Mendel aware of his mistake. “You little shit.” Whizzer said aloofly, getting up. He gently rubbed Jason’s arm and whispered something in his ear before approaching Mendel. “You’re a shit psychiatrist, hope you trip over and land on someone’s dick.” He rounded the kitchen island, “Congratulations darling—” he whispered to Trina, kissing her cheek, “Hope this time turns out better.”

She quickly wiped her eyes, and smiled, avoiding his eye contact. Her eyes were red and watery, “Yes—” she whispered, her voice jumping up an octave and cracking dangerously, “-I hope so too.”

Whizzer watched her, worried for a moment, but let it go. He circled back to Marvin, whose face was shaking and red, “You’re hot when it’s not directed at me. Fuck me on the kitchen counter later?” he directed, quietly so only Marvin and Mendel could hear. He followed Marvin’s gaze to Mendel and the bone chilling stare was back, Mendel swallowing his fear. “She’s better than you—” He whispered, “In fact she’s better than all of us. Fuck this up and I will end you, I know people who wouldn’t hesitate to hurt you, _not all fags are ‘queens’_.” He spat, each word making Mendel flinch. He smiled at his work, “all yours princess.” He gave Marvin’s cock a quick cup through his trousers and squeezed it before leaving.

_“Oh fuck-“ Whizzer said suddenly, breaking the moment of sweetness as he leapt up, almost waddling down the hall._

_A confused look overcame Marvin and he got up, curiously following him to the bathroom “Sorry what?”_

_He entered the bathroom to see Whizzer, contorted at an odd angle, gingerly trying to scoop cum out of his ass with one hand whilst holding his nose shut with the other, “Told him not to, but I was fuckin’ handcuffed.” He said through gritted teeth._

_“Oh.” Marvin’s face was beginning to light up a bright red, “Do you- do you not like it?” He stuttered quietly._

_Whizzer shrugged, “Not particularly. It’s a lot of hassle just to feel sticky for a couple of days.”_

_“You never told me.” Marvin said as he perched himself on the edge of the bathtub, watching, wincing slightly, not sure how Whizzer did it._

_“Oh no, I don’t mind you—” he said absentmindedly, “There’s something different about it when it’s you.”_

_Whizzer froze._

_They never spoke about it again._

“He’s right—” Marvin spat, “You’re a shit psychiatrist! Who tells people to ‘compartmentalise’?”

Mendel laughed, “Keep on bitching Marvin, keep on using my time—” he pointed at the watch on his wrist “-I’m still charging eighty dollars an hour.”

Marvin’s jaw tightened, “I want—”

“I got it all—”

“I _want_ it all, and that’s what I deserve.” Marvin yelled, spit flying through the air.

Trina pressed her hands into her eye sockets, trying to control her shaking breath. She dropped the knife down onto the chopping board and walked over to Jason, whispering into his ear. He nodded, getting up and followed her from the room, the chess board held close to his chest, trying to make sure the pieces stayed balanced in their spots.

“What, did mommy and daddy not give you enough love growing up?” Mendel asked, “We never did get to discuss your parents.”

Marvin laughed as he stepped back, “ Stop stalling.”

“What happened with them.”

“They died.” Marvin stated plainly, “And I deserve a family! That’s the one thing I’ve never had”

“You’re needy and wanting, you don’t _deserve_ a thing, you threw away the best people in your life without a second thought and blamed it on them.”

“You’re greedy! You stole my family, you came into my home, you charmed my wife, and you poisoned my son against me!” Marvin yelled, throwing his hands up, “You are the reason my family hates me!”

“No Marvin, that’s your fault! I got it all because I waited, I paid my dues, I was kind. You were spiteful, rude and now you’re alone and you deserved it.”

Marvin’s fists clenched by his side, “ I have Whizzer.” He spat.

“Do you?” Mendel asked, and Marvin looked down to his hands, seeing them shake.

“I just-“ Marvin seemed to have given up as he stepped back, “-I just want it all.”

Mendel got closer to Marvin, looking up at him, “And I got it.” he spat into his face, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, I heard you had a date, ‘ _princess_ ’”. 


	13. Trina's song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would be lying if I told you it hasn't been a moment and I am very sorry. 
> 
> this song is hard to write, I will say Trigger warning, there's stuff about suicide etc. anyways, damn we on 800 reads!!!!!!
> 
> anyways I appreciate ALL the comments and all the kudos and reads and everything so just... thank you. hope you enjoy.

_He used me_

_He told me he wanted me but still he would turn around and cheat on me over and over again. And I knew. And I blamed myself, forcing myself to do better for him, letting my knuckles turn bloody for him, letting my stomach hurt day after day for him, letting myself get ruined for him. Never for me, always for him._

_It’s my fault._

_He said he loved me, he still begs for me to say it back, but it’s nothing but a meaningless gesture. A glass vase, beautiful yet shallow, transparent. He says it like they’re just three words, he never loved me enough to realise they mean so much more, he’s never loved anyone that much, no matter how hard he pretends he loves Whizzer._

_And I gave him everything I had. I gave him my dignity, my trust, my heart. And he used me. You used me._

_And then you came along. You’re sweet and caring, you understand my feelings are real, that they aren’t me worming my way into your head, not there for me to manipulate you. You don’t treat me as though I’m there to serve you. You don’t wolf down my food as though it’s simple, you tell me it’s exquisite and savour it, because you know how much time I took to make it for you. You fake a smile if you don’t like it, you don’t yell, and you tell me it’s okay to not want to clean if I’m tired._

_You tell me you love me whenever you can, not just as a formality, and you don’t treat me like I’m broken when we both know I am._

_So yes. Yes I will marry you._

“Yes. “

_Because you feel like home._

The look of pure fear and anxiety on Mendel’s face blossomed into joy in its simplest form, and he lunged forward into a lingering kiss. His smile felt intoxicating and sweet, like cherry liqueur and Trina couldn’t help but laugh with sweetened envy as she kissed him back, the rush of adrenaline following as she did something she felt like she wasn’t allowed to do .

_You taste sweet like buttered popcorn, sweet in the most understated way, and you somehow smell like fresh rain._

_And you love me._

_You really love me._

The wish of staying in the moment forever, of blissful minutes stolen together, ends almost as abruptly as it started, Marvin, straining as Whizzer tried to hold him back, snapped and screamed as though no one could hear him. As though there was a towering glass wall for victims to cower behind in plain sight, or at least Trina tried imagining a wall, flinching as every spat word breached coarse lips made for screaming and not kissing.

Not made for lovers, made instead for bitter hatred, the kind that floods through veins like passion.

_You snap at me as though I’m not a person._

“while I was fucking here?”

_I’m a person._

Walls crumble like sandcastles, rubble barely able to hold itself together as it’s stormed into the ground, ever bearing weight of pressure and pain causing broken women to let go and give up.

She blocked out the rest of the spittle covered insults; not like they would ever be new. It was the same when they were married, _woman. Bitch. Wife._

You get to a point where your name doesn’t belong to you anymore, where you hear it less than the insults, where you don’t realise you’re alone and lost. Then one day you wake up from your sleepwalked nightmare somewhere you don’t recognise even though that’s where you’ve been for years, and you see a stranger in a mirror. A woman who looks like you. A woman who seems so alone and so abused. And you refuse to believe that it’s you.

And once upon a time you realise you were happy, but you’re at the point where you’ve been so hurt that you’ve changed and you believe you’re deserving of the derogatory terms, that you’re deserving of the occasional push against the wall, that you’re deserving of the concussion when you can’t stop the baby from crying and your husband loses it and takes it out on you.

“and you _woman_ , you were meant to be _seeing_ my psychiatrist not _sleeping_ with him!”

It was like a punch to the stomach as his face came so close to Trina’s, she felt the anger boil inside her as though it had been waiting for her to blow for years. But instead it turned into the tear-stained tracks that almost constantly ran down her face like carved creeks. Because she was always the little girl that got pregnant with the older boy, who’s wedding dress had to be let out at the stomach so that no one knew why they were wedded so quickly.

Who knew her marriage was doomed to fail deep down from the beginning.

Because she was the one to break the glass, because Marvin failed twice. Because they were followed consistently by bad omens.

Because the way he would shove her out of the way hurt a lot more than the limited damage she could do with, ‘ _and you were meant to have family photographs taken with our photographer, not fucking him in the ass while he was on his break.’_

So she let herself become submissive, the only way to survive the pain.

Submission becomes addictive and terrifying; you realise preserving yourself is the only tool for survival. That’s how it starts. It becomes easier and easier to force the burning back down, or you find other ways to let it out.

Cutting.

Finding small things like the rope in the back yard enticing, or the razor blade for shaving your legs. it’s the small things that are dangerous. Like having a sudden vision of you driving the car off of the bridge with your son in the back seat.

 _I would never do that_ , you tell yourself.

But it feels good imaging it, and sometimes the car swerves in the direction of the steep drop, and sometimes the tightening in your chest that you always feel starts to loosen as you pretend to slit your throat in the kitchen with the knife you’re using to chop the potatoes.

 _But I would never do that,_ you tell yourself.

Trina’s shoulders slumped as she slipped out of the room, and instantly an intense feeling over ran her, digging deep into her stomach. She froze, but couldn’t seem to trap the excess of noise, couldn’t speak. Her head spun rapidly, the sounds around her meeting like symbols on a drum kit until all she could do was hysterically hold her hands over her ears.

It didn’t die down, instead it throttled forward like an aeroplane taking off until suddenly a single noise broke through to her tear-stained face.

The wooden clicking of chess pieces meeting their match, the light silvery sound of her son laughing, Whizzer’s low voice, gentle and calming as he tried to speak over the constraints of the calamity.

She began to breathe again and plastered the smile back on her face as she stepped through the hallway, broken family photos strewn like dead flowers on the rough carpet. She couldn’t help but smile numbly. It made sense.

Her son didn’t look up when she entered, but Whizzer did. That stupid, charming man who looked at her with regret fuelled smiles and faux compassion. That stupid, charming man.

It was more a reflex than anything that led her to the sink where the bowls from that lunchtime sat, she hadn’t made dinner yet, she hadn’t had the time, her forehead scrunched like the sand dunes at the beach, she would get in trouble.

No.

No she wouldn’t. Because now it was Mendel, that happy frightened man who was trying to stick up for her but was instead making everything worse. She hadn’t realised he was childish like this, she thought maybe he were the exception. With his sweet smiles and kind eyes that reminded her of the man at the park who fed the ducks every morning. But there are no such thing as exceptions in a world where the men rule and leave everyone else for dead as they play with their nuclear weapons and armies as though they’re toy trains.

‘For once let a woman be in charge’ are the final words begged by soldiers with stumps for legs and shrapnel in their torsos, ‘for once let a woman be in charge’ are words begged by women behind dumpsters getting back-alley abortions when a man won’t let her choose to get rid of her rapists memory, ‘for once let a woman be in charge’ are the words cheered at rallies where supposedly it’s peaceful for tear gas and pepper spray to be released into the crowd.

She tried to block out the sound of Marvin and Mendel fighting as they stormed like children into the kitchen, arguing with heated words and light heads. They quarrelled without much sense made, words that were as bad as children taking jabs, tiring and unrelenting.

The loud, extremely over dramatic gasp was what brought her back to the present, “Did you fucking hear that!” her _ex-_ husband exclaimed.

_How the hell did she not realise he was gay_

She could feel his eyes scathing her back as she tiredly turned, “hear what?” she asked, catching the sudden hurt look in his eyes. He burst into spluttering protestations and she turned away again as tears built in her eyes, hearing them argue over her without letting her have her say. Hearing them argue over her like she were their property.

But she was too tired to fight for herself anymore.

She was almost relieved as Mendel said something that upset Whizzer, she wasn’t sure what it was, but suddenly he got up, ruffling her sons hair as though he were an expectant puppy. He would send daggers at her if she were to do it, but not whizzer oh no, never _whizzer._

“you little shit-“ he spat at Mendel, “you’re a shit psychiatrist.” He came up beside her and kissed her cheek sweetly, he was tall, taller than any man she had ever met, and he had to stoop down to reach her.

His lips were cold. Not made for lovers, made for fighting with people meant to tame him.

“congratulations darling-“ he said softly. His breath smelt musky, manly in a way she hadn’t really expected, and she wondered what it would feel like to kiss someone so tall and experienced. Her thoughts were instantly torn from her mind as she realised what he meant.

_Congratulations for getting engaged._

Fiancé. She had a fiancé.

“hope this time turns out better.”

A tear trickled down from her tired, tired eyes as the evening sun set in beautiful golden hues over her face. She wiped her eyes, sniffling and suddenly pushed it back inside, “yes-“ her voice jumped the octave without meaning to, “-I hope so too.” She forced her eyes up to his and saw the worry. But she also saw something else, a pain that she knew her _ex_ -husband couldn’t see.

He stood, unconvinced, for a moment, and in those brief seconds where her chest hurt to make eye contact with him, he left her standing alone again. _Stupid charming man._

He left. He left her alone to fend off the men because he had given in to his urges, because…

It was that moment she realised it. Because no matter how often they fought, how vicious they were to each other.

_Whizzer loves him._

_And he really doesn’t want to._

Her head throbbed and she quietly got a pot and filled it with water, trying to make tea. All the shouting had been giving her terrible migraines recently, she just wanted to sleep, she just wanted to sink into her bed and let the heavy tiredness that caused her shoulders to slump, to disappear.

“I just- I just want it all.” Marvin sounded so resigned as he said it, and she couldn’t help but feel the urge to run up to him, and engulf him in her arms, tell him that it was okay, that she would take him back, that it was all her fault, that she would do better for him.

But instead Mendel spoke.

“and I got it.” the stabbing tone in his voice was new, unknown, unwelcome, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, I heard you had a date, ‘ _princess’_ ”.

Trina flinched as she anticipated his next move, the violence she knew would ensue.

But instead Marvin just nodded, his breathing still heavy.

He left in a rage without even saying goodbye to his son, storming out as he mumbled insults like they were poison between his lips.

_Silly, childish jerk._

There was a silence threatened by a single movement between them. Each wracking their brain for something, _anything_ to say as they stood next to each other.

“do you want to wait?” Mendel suddenly blurted out, his hand reaching out tentatively to touch hers, light and fluttery as though he were afraid of her.

Her face contorted slightly, her eyebrows drawing together, “wait?” she asked, “what for?” her nose crinkled as she tried to make sense of what he were asking.

“um… you know.” Mendel’s face blushed a bright red as he took both of her hands in his, engulfing them as best as he could.

“he means sex.” Jason suddenly said from the corner of the room, the wooden clicking of the chess pieces filling the void of the empty seat across from him.

Suddenly Trina was blushing the same colour as Mendel, her apple like cheeks turning a beautiful pink hue that made her honey-coloured eyes brighter, glowing like fireflies. “Jason!” she hissed, “I’m so sorry Mr Mendel.”

“it’s um… it’s just Mendel.”

Trina’s smile faltered; she was still calling her fiancé ‘Mr Mendel’.

“Well I guess I should be getting home.” He said gently, his voice sweet like sugar and butter on pancakes.

It felt awkward and forced like coerced confessions from murderers. Trina nodded, _what do you do when you’re engaged?_ She wracked her brain for something to say, “be safe.” Was all she managed to get out, and suddenly he spun her around, landing a sweet kiss on her unexpected lips.

She smiled, forgetting all awkward gestures as she remembered why she said yes.

_Because you feel like home._

His lips were warm.

Lips made for lovers and smiles; lips made to be shared with others.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said, and suddenly Trina’s chest blew up into birds flapping to get free.

_Fiancé, her fiancé._

“I love you.”

Trina’s smile looked almost sick as it stretched over her entire face, “I love you too.” Giddy words that make your stomach turn, promises, real promises that you know will be kept.

It stayed, clinging to her face as she saw Mendel out, only to feel the emptiness and numbness beckon in as she was left alone.

-

An Uneasiness followed her as she went to bed that night, a distinct feeling of being watched by peering faces in her mind, of unhappy futures ignored.

She pushed them away as she buried herself into her chilly bed, almost instantly disappearing from consciousness.

Alone.

Cold.

But finally able to escape the men. 


End file.
